1.) Feel more centered 2.) Feel stronger 3.) Good things are happening a.) Parents are getting healthier and stronger b.) Renting a room to my friend's cousin 4.) 'M' is definitely off list. (long story) a.) Nervous about how that will effect 'R' with 'A' 5.) Getting things accomplished at work and home 6.) All positive and uplifting people seem to be surrounding me 7.) I have a feeling that something 'good' is going to happen a.) strange feeling
Thots:
1.) Even though I'm busy, I miss 'A' 2.) I wonder if I'm strange because I've been waiting a long time 3.) I wonder how and when this will turn and change 4.) I wonder if I'm too passive and if I'm doing anything wrong 5.) I often think about food that I could cook for him 6.) I can't wait to really succeed at this goal so I can make a new one
1.) Entering another second week of darkness 2.) I was reading about the Butterfly Effect last night a.) It was encouraging re-reading Michele's books b.) I am hoping that continuing this dark program will eventually work 3.) I still need constant reinforcement and encouragement because I feel that there is nothing wrong with what I am doing 4.) I am looking forward to creating more goals as soon as this one is established 5.) I am happy that 'M' is no longer in my life, but I wonder what words are getting back to 'A' 6.) My life seems small, but my work schedule is chaotic
Today's Thots:
1.) I spoke to a friend about going to a show in Boston 2.) We also spoke about going to NYC to visit my niece 3.) Things are becoming easier, but I don't feel any differently 4.) I know that people around me expect me to not have any hope and give up waiting 5.) Most people around me do not have hope because they see that 'A' is not available for me 6.) I wonder if this is the only thing I can do for 'A' to notice me 7.) Nothing else has worked: patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, flexibility, availability 8.) Going dark has only helped once. It was a brief moment. 9.) I have not seen anything consistent yet 10.) I wonder where I am on his list 11.) What did I do differently then that I'm not doing now? 12.) What was happening when we had our happy/happiest times?
There was an unplanned passing today at lunchtime. I was getting a sandwich and walking past a store to get back to work, where I saw 'A' and 'M' walking into that store. I didn't want to see her so I tilted my head, pretended I was in my own world, and continued walking. I txt 'A' to tell him that I saw him, but I would have stopped, but I am having issues with 'M'. He said that he didn't even see me. I told him to have a good day and left it there.
I guess that is not 'acting as if' or 'doing a 180'. I just didn't want to be rude to 'A', but I didn't care about being rude to her. Strange how little worlds are in little worlds, and those unplanned, crazy moments control my world. My stomach turns, my blood boils, my head spins, and I can't think. It over powered me.
What I do know is 'A' responded right away, and she is not my friend any longer. It was simple, and we had a chance to say 'hi'. I am happy that he responded. I wanted to call him up and tell him I miss him, I want to be with him, and come home . . . you bum . . . but I didn't.
I wonder how and when we will end up together again.
1.) I must look pathetic to the world 2.) I thought I was easy going and lovable! a.) I smile b.) I appear positive (during the day) c.) I'm patient d.) I have empathy and sympathy e.) I like to encourage the people around me f.) I'm a very hard worker and do it well g.) People like me h.) I'm a good cheerleader
3.) Two years later, I still wonder what I did wrong 4.) Two years later, I'm only a crumb closer than when he left 5.) We should have never moved
What is 'doing a 180' for me? Is it being the opposite of the above? Am I that boundariless?
1.) Does this work? 2.) Does it work for someone like me? 3.) People are pushing me to give up and date. a.) Are they so right, and am I so wrong?
1.) Why aren't I appealing to 'A' anymore? 2.) What can I do now to capture his interest again? 3.) What did I used to do? a.) I don't think I did anything differently. b.) I think he just thought I was a more independent person c.) He thought I was more goal oriented and career oriented d.) I think he wanted to believe it. e.) In fact, I was looking to be settled
1.) Why doesn't he miss me? 2.) And if he does, why can't he show me that he does?
There must be something else to do other than this?!!
Dear JoJo, You have really dedicated yourself to this new pattern and that takes a lot of focus and commitment!!!
As I read your last post, I have a question over some of these points, JoJo:
.) Why aren't I appealing to 'A' anymore? 2.) What can I do now to capture his interest again? 3.) What did I used to do? a.) I don't think I did anything differently. b.) I think he just thought I was a more independent person c.) He thought I was more goal oriented and career oriented d.) I think he wanted to believe it. e.) In fact, I was looking to be settled
When you list in 3a that you don't think you did anything differently, but then in 3b, 3c, and 3d that he somehow perceived you differently, what was going on that helped cause him to think that way? Can you explore that with me a bit?
By the way, I am also glad your parents are doing better, JoJo.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
I read about the Butterfly Effect, and that gave me encouragement for a moment. Then, I think, there must be something other than Going Dark.
I realize that change isn't going to happen overnight, and 'A' is a turtle when moving toward emotional ties. However, there must be something else? 'Three weeks...three weeks...three weeks', my life isn't that great that the heartache stops.
I manage to be happy at work because it is work. Work is work, unemotional. I focus on my job and doing it well. After work, I do what I have to do. Then, there is time to stop and rest. Another day my cellphone is silent. Another day there isn't any pursuing from him. Another day, I hope that given time, 'A' will come forward and pursue me.
So, what now?
I always felt that he responds to my voice when I am deliberate and strong. It is now November, I feel confident for a moment, but I was hoping for a good Christmas this year. I thought there would be a change in events that would get us closer.
'M' seemed to have gotten everything that she wanted. It is almost 9 weeks doing this 'going dark' program, and I don't see much change to continue with this route. There doesn't seem to be enough promise for me. I don't understand this. I feel like a pullme-pullyou animal.
All that I know is that I don't want to give up. I feel very desperate, and I desperately want things to change for the better...for once.
OK, I was wondering if anyone could stop by with any advice at my thread here in the MLC forum. I was just asking in my post what I can do different and I have no clue. THanks, TIPPER
1.) Mutually enjoyable, fun and peaceful times together. 2.) Do what is necessary to engender good feelings with each other. A.) Going out on dates B.) Spending fun , pleasant times together a.) Friends b.) Watching TV C.) Touching each other again
I'm not sure how long it will take to get there or even how to promote it. I'm still waiting for him to call me. I am so confused on how to make my goals a reality. Am I doing the right thing?
I've been typing away here...it's purely emotional. Sometimes, there isn't any reason...it's all feelings, but I think this is a safe place to express myself.
At the time we met, I had a fantastic job and living in an upscale town with an upscale car and clothes. My lifestyle was still the same. 'A' was working as a waiter and at a convenient store, feeling sorry for himself. I think he saw me as someone he could rely on emotionally and financially. I think he saw me as a person who knew what I wanted, very sure of myself and indendent. I think he thought I wouldn't expect anything from him emotionally.
My mind is still not clear. I'm trying to think this through. I notice that other people feel like they might lose control during the 'going dark' periods. Doing anything '180' is taking a leap of faith--very scarey.
Today's Thots:
1.) Feeling overwhelmed a.) New Roommate moved in today...I feel good about company but sort of mournful b.) Moving things out of spare room is a lot of work c.) Living at my parents for awhile--no food in frig d.) Friend dropped off a huge hutch for me to paint
2.) Thankful that my Mom loves me. a.) Sent her long-time cleaning woman over to help clean and prepare for roommate.
3.) Planning on going back to school 4.) Looking for a new church or support group or book club a.) People at church are wonderful, but not supportive...they look at at me as if I have a contagious disease
5.) Thinking back on when 'A' pursued a.) Early on, he showed me that he needs control--makes the plans b.) At stressful times, he needed to know that I could take charge
6.) I want to do what I love so that I can invite 'A' or show him how proud I am with myself 7.) I'd like to show him in my behavior that I have a full life, that I am strong, and that I don't need him to design my life. a.) Since he feels pressured very easily, I want to show him that I don't need him to manage and design my happiness. (this is a very big deal)
Progress:
1.) Constantly reminding myself that the time it is taking to reconcile with 'A' isn't as threatening as I 'feel' like it is. 2.) Willing to take positive risk with 'A' at some comfortable moment 3.) Have joined a gym--now I have to go 4.) Have actually done a little crafting today while moving it (kinda' excited about that) 5.) Moving my guitar today, I took it out of its case. a.) Would like to go back to my music classes
6.) Starting a Visualization Book!!! a.) Excited about it...putting photos and clippings to help me visualize and feel positive and hopeful about my goals
This emotional work is exhausting--a roller coaster ride. I look forward to getting closer to 'A'. I will be praying for all of our marriages.
