I am so sorry you had a frustrating day!! What jumps out at me about H "working on it"... I can see how it seems like what he is doing is inadequate. But it is possible that he is doing a lot of work, ON HIS OWN, on HIMSELF. In which case, if he does decide to come back and be a full time dad and a full time husband in a full time relationship, he will be in WAY better shape to deliver the goods.
I just know, I couldn't have figured out most of what I learned, or grown the ways I've grown this past year, if I didn't have a cr@pload of time by myself, away from my B. I know it's got to be completely different when you're a parent and you need your co-parent. But I just wanted to throw out that possibility.
Please be kind to yourself... it was not your fault that you didn't have the tools you needed!!!!
Are you thinking about going for a different position where you could be part of a team?
When is your birthday?
can I tell you a secret? on my birthday in september, I was EXTREMELY depressed. in many ways it was one of the worst days I"ve ever had. but now it is a couple months later and coincidentally I am feeling some crazy real joyfulness. so I just wanted to say, beautiful where, even if you have a not-so-good birthday, you could have many beautiful juicy non-birthdays afterwards.
Its understandable you feel what he gives is not enough. It isnt and it shouldnt be. I dont know, maybe its time for an R talk? What do you say?
You are feeling torn between job & D like all of us do, believe me. You only have to do what you can. That's it. It would be good to be able to share responsibilities but for now, do your best and that's all (at work) love K
Hi W2G, I am sorry that your H is still in limbo and that you are feeling frustrated. The two of you have been in this phase for a long time. Maybe it's time to try something different. I'm not sure what that would be but it may be worth thinking about it.
Don't lose hope. Your H cares about you and D a lot.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Thank you K for saying that it's not enough.. because deep in my heart I feel it isn't but I had doubts as to if I was having expectations.
And you're right Addie (and K or was it Lisa or Ali that also mentioned this recently). I do need to try something different.. and so I did. I had a relationship talk with him yesterday.
Firstly I told him that I'm not comfortable with his "Friendship" with OW. He swore up and down that it was just friendship and that he could have had those types of emotional feelings for anyone when he was feeling at his worst.. they just happened to be for her.. and that he doesn't feel that way about her anymore they are just friends. And I tried to explain to him that her mere presence is threatening to me.. and that it feels like her friendship is more important than his relationship with me. There were other things said... but in the end that part of the conversation was never resolved.
I said that I know that I contributed to the downfall of our marriage but that he has never come out and said what he feels was my contribution. and as expected he couldn't pin point it. Mostly he just said that we grew apart (and that it wasn't all due to his work.. but he didn't expand on what it was).. he said that he must have been so stressed trying to juggle all of these things that he "broke". I told him that he had been an amazing husband... and he said "yeah I was, but look what happened.. I couldn't handle it.. it broke me, I'm broken!" I said that I am too.
I told him that I won't continue to pretend that we are together around his extended family.. so with that in mind we'll need to make arrangements for the holidays. I said that I would not be spending the holidays with his family but that we could work something out so that they could see D3 during that time. He was shocked. And I wasn't just saying it to get a reaction.. I am truly bothered by this. I've been invited to go to things for his family, like Easter and Thanksgiving and a christening and I make up some lame excuse as to why I'm going elsewhere or not able to make it. I'm sure they must think I'm ungrateful or rude.. when it's just that I'm not comfortable. I don't want to immerse myself in his family and then us not reconcile and he start seeing someone else.. and then it would just get ugly. He was of the mindset that I would go for the holidays but that we would be open with people about where we're at.. and how was that going to come up? "Hi W2G, how are you?" "I'm doing good thanks! The beginning of the year was difficult when H moved out but D3 and I are doing much better now!" I think not. Way to cause people to lose their appetite or put a downer on the holidays.
So H is going to another Buffalo Bills game soon.. which is one of the things he did in December last year (and OW went with the group of them last year).. so the news of attending a game again this year has sent me spinning.... I know there is nothing I can do about it if they are spending time together.. but the thought of it makes me so ANGRY at my H.. and I feel absolute HATRED toward her... and it really messes with my tranquility and my PMA.
Anyway, H is in Mexico on business.. she may be there too, she may not... realistically it makes not difference in the scheme of things (if you exclude the bold faced lie my H would have done to my face if she is there).
I had felt I was doing so much better these last few months. I really had. But I feel like I hopped back on the roller coaster this week.. With the award dinner thingy we went to this week which was nice.. and then the fact that he saw D3 on Monday for a few hours and then Saturday for 6 hours and now is gone for a week... which makes me feel horrible for her... and then my birthday this week... I'm just feeling chitty.
The more I look back at the demise of my marriage it seems pretty clear to me that having a child is where I went wrong. I really, really wanted her.... and he obviously didn't. My sweet, beautiful (for those on the alternate universe.. she is such a beauty isn't she) girl... I guess I will need to continue to stand in the gap he left so that she always knows and feels how much she's loved.
Thanks for listening... and hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon.
Hugs, W2G
PS. T, thank you for sharing your feelings about your birthday. PSS. T, thank you for finding something positive about his "working on things" 'cause I struggle to see it.
W2G, I will be bold and give you an advice with this. You obviously know how my life is at the moment. When I had the recent talk with my H I asked him when was his "moment of clarity". He said it wasnt "a moment" and started telling me how he missed the whole package.
When I got home I realised that I was allowing him to have the whole package (except for sex, never asked for, never had it for over a year now), until I finally decided it was over. I think that is when he finally had to face the reality of being divorced and to miss everything and understand the worth of what we had.
I believe we get that caught up in the DB idea and are afraid to rock the boat when the time is right. You have been doing the same thing and it did move you forward to the place of anger no longer existing, of feeling comfortable again. Now he needs to feel how it is to be divorced so he can choose what he wants. Take all the steps, schedules, famillies, vacation, visits, money. With no anger just determined. Never bend about these.
With a friendly voice insist that, that will make you feel better. Let him face the consequences. Let him see what life feels like without you in it. I have faith that he loves you but it is easier/convinient for him to postpone any decisions and as long as you allow it, he will not. Love K
Hi W2G, You haven't posted in a few days. How are you doing? I hope D3 had a great Halloween.
I agree with Kalni. Maybe it is time that your H see what it will really be like if you 2 divorce. His awakening may only come at that point. From what I have read around here, the WAS often decides to return to the M when he/she realizes the full extent of living without the LBS/children. However, you have to be at that stage where you feel detached and ready to move on (although you don't have to actually file for D). You can't be doing it as a ploy to get your H back. In my sitch, I have reached that point and my H keeps telling me he wants us to work things out. The major problem for us is the physical distance and thus trying to rebuild trust because of that. Let us know how you are doing.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Wow, it took a lot of guts and strength for you to have that conversation with H. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and laying down the law!!!! It makes me so sad to think that he does not want his little girl. It reminds me of the part of "passionate marriage" where he talks about how he realized he was too selfish to make room for a child in his life, and he really had to grow up in order to make room for his child. This happened BEFORE his wife got pregnant and gave birth. I hope that your H has the courage to go through that process NOW. (pretty D--- SOON).
thank you for your ps's. I'm so sorry I missed your post before this one, I don't know how that happened... I'm glad I am back in the loop now!!
I'm so sorry I missed your last post too. Well done you for having the conversation with H- it must have been hard to do, bu it sounds like you got some answers and made some decisions as a result of it.
I have to say that I'm inclined to agree with Sunshine in thinking that at the moment things are easy for H- he gets to see D3 (yes, she is an absolute stunner!), and you when he wants to, and you end up living in limbo wondering what will trigger a change in the situation.
It's totally unacceptable for him to continue to see the OW, whatever their R is now, if he's working on the M. Him seeing her makes things uncomfortable for you and I don't know how you manage to deal with it. I'd be furious too if I was in your position.
So I'm going to ask the same question as K. Are you feeling detached enough to be able to show H what life would be like without you and D3 in it? It's so sad to have to think of that, and I feel so sad for him that he doesn't respect and appreciate the two treasures he has that he should be cherishing (that's you and D3 for clarity!).
