HTTE, The tough road...Facing the big D

[HopefultotheEnd]

Wow, just when I thought there was no more sh#t left to hit the fan. Let me back up...

W and I have been getting along, especially since our conversations and lunch on wed. I went out last night to a Halloween event, W had the kids at my house. When I came home she was asleep in my bed as has become the pattern. I crawl in and go to sleep. In the morning there is cuddling.

I had come to terms with the fact that we may not reconcile but that these nights were enjoyable for both of us. This morning she even rolled over at one point and rubbed my arm and kissed me lightly. (I have no expectations from it)

So get to the drama part. We are both still cuddling,lazily trying to get up, me so I can get the kids ready and her so she can go home and get ready for work. She tells me that she might not want to go to the party on sat, I say, "oh, what's up?" And she says, "Well, I was thinking about taking the kids up to your parents condo since they've been asking to go."

I pause, and hint that that's not ok without me or I will take them some time, and she asks if I have a problem with it. I answer truthfully "Yes" but omit that my sister specifically stated that she wasn't comfortable with W staying up there when W moved out in July. (Sister lives at condo part time and is part owner)

W leaves, I accept that she is going to be upset. W calls and we talk a long time, she texts me a few times after. She is angry.

I don't feel bad specifically but now she is saying that since we are friends and that I seem to be ok with cuddling her that there is no reason for me not to let her use the condo with the kids. I know what I have to do here. but it just a sudden change from the direction we were going. I have to stop the cuddling and the affection and be ok with it and the fact she is pissed she can't go to the condo.

After the call she sends me a text stating that I'm using her because I feel that I have the right to cuddle her and be affectionate and to go to parties thrown by her friends but she is not invited to any of mine (huh?) and that she can't take the kids to the family condo because suddenly there is a boundary.

She sends another text basically saying that she has plenty of places to stay up there so really the only thing I took from her was the ability for her to take the kids up there and that she feels like it's intentionally hurtful and done out of retaliation.

I'm not going to respond but we are supposed to take the kids out tonight. (This was going to be so fun) I still have a great attitude, being ok no matter what has that benifit. But I'm still a pleaser at heart so I have to be careful, I still want to make her happy.

It'll be sad but i'm ok with stopping our affectionate moments. I just have to figure out how to handle when she sleeps over. I guess the guest room? I'm not sure if I should say anything or not. I just might stop the affection.

As for the parties, yes I do feel ok with going to parties thrown by her friends that I've gone to every year for the past 5 or more years. My friends havn't thrown any parties but she is probably right that she wouldn't be invited by the few who know about our sitch.

[lost_in_space]

HTTE,

Shoot, just when I think that I have read or experienced it all... baam. That is really strange.

I agree with your stand on the condo. Make sure she is aware that this is what she wants (her action), and this is one of the consequences. If the condo is a boundary, MUST STICK TO IT - and YOU DID. You take the kids when you can.

We pleasers are tough nuts to crack sometimes!!!

Take care.

[Phoenixdeux]

She has a point. And at no time did you validate her feelings.

As she said, she's good enough for cuddling, but not good enough for the family condo, or whatever. Your boundaries are all screwed up. Are you going with her? Perhaps you could indicate that you think your sister would be okay if you went along, is that acceptable? Obviously taking OM or something would not be.

I don't know what to tell you. You have kind of dug a hole here with the being lovey dovey stuff and then turning around and pulling the rug out. I'm struggling with giving advice here. I'd start with validating how she feels, tell her you understand how it could look like that, and that it isn't your condo so it's hard to let her, without you, go up there when your family has made it clear that she was no longer welcome there. That seem like it could work?

On the other hand, this is reality. If you end up divorced she certainly won't be using her ex-in-laws condo. And for all you know, she has only been snuggly because she wanted something. What do you think? Did she think of using the condo because things are going well with you, or are things going well because she wanted to use you?

[HopefultotheEnd]

I did try to validate some over the phone but I have not responded to her texts. I told her that I understand how she feels and I do. On some level I would be ok with her going. but since I don't count on reconciling it might cause me some bad feelings. But mainly it's not really up to me unless I wanted to cross the wishes of my family. So far I have hinted but left my families wishes out of this. I don't want to further strain things between them.

In a way I feel like I'm being bribed. No condo then no affection. but if I let her use the condo then I get to cuddle once and a while.

I might have to tell her that after she moved out in July I was instructed that it was no longer appropriate for her to use the condo. I can offer to go with her but I already offered that and I don't think it's recieved well...more as a punishment than a compromise.

I do understand how she feels. I still feel that my only option is to remove the confusing affection. Though I feel this is a bakwards direction for us.

No one would have a problem if I were to go with her. And I don't think that she was being manipulative.

[Phoenixdeux]

You absolutely have to tell her that your family indicated they don't want her there. She's deluded if she thinks they are going to treat her nicely now. But right now she thinks you are the roadblock to her going....if it was your condo, I sense you'd let her go, and it's reasonable since you are getting along. But your hands are tied since the owners don't want her there.

WAWs are weird that way...they don't want to be the bad guy to anyone, even the LBS, but sometimes reality has to set in for them. Be honest about this, and then keep going with what is working.

[HopefultotheEnd]

I told her, and she was still mad at "me". Made for a Wierd Halloween but I didn't let it spoil anything. I delayed my plans a bit to talk to W and we "made up" sorta. After we talked about it a bit she asked me to rub her back. This may have set us back a bit. She did sleep in the guest room, LOL. But I am ok. I'm not sure that what I want from her still exists.

This was one of the first times that I was ok that she was mad at me. I didn't want that, and for a second I had doubts but in the end it would not make me feel good to have her use the condo and it would make my family feel awkward so I'm glad we are now all clear. Even if she now threatens me with taking the kids to go stay with her OM that live there. And even if she threatens me with an ugly divorce. She is not as stable as she appears.

I'm going to back off and enjoy my life. She matters less and less in my day to day life. But I was getting closer to her. Wierd. I'm not so sure that was a good thing. Perhaps I'm just a fool in love...

[HopefultotheEnd]

I have realized that while I'm becoming more emotionally stable, I'm not any smarter. My validation skills stink and I still have trouble making a stand for myself. I am a bit better at the last one since I no longer cave I just hesitate.

As you might surmise There was an event. It wasn't R talk this time rather financial talk. She's mad and I lost several chances to validate but I still have to stand up for myself and I'm just not balancing those well.

Good news is that I feel ok overall. I just would rather get along rather than fight with her. There's more but I'm going to let it be. She's going to come over tonight to discuss some financials and we'll see how it goes. I think I need to just be clear.

[HopefultotheEnd]

I feel out of touch a bit. but good overall. W flaked the other night. Which was for the best she seems to have processed a lot and is now pretty friendly. She sent me a few texts that she was freaking out this weekend about our finances, I responded once that we'll get through it somehow.

I think the sh#t will still hit the fan soon because even though I tell her that we are not sharing finances and tell her that I'm not going to pay her bills She acts and talks like when I get my next paycheck that I will use it to pay her stuff. I like it when we get along but I can't get through to her. So the wake up is coming when I don't and she flips. (shrug)

Last night she asked me if we could still manage to take the kids to Disneyland together. I said we'll see and that it shouldn't be this winter like we usually do. She suggested march after we get out tax refund...I again said, "we'll see".
I don't know if I want to go on that trip. Well I want to but it would be painfull. Let's see where we are in a few months...

After she left I was more sad than I had been in a while. I still want to love her and be there for her but I am prevented by her choices. Sucks really but I am moving on. I know that I'll make it just fine.

[Superstar]

I don't know why, but I read this sitch and feel strongly she will be back. She is really living some kind of fantasy that does not (can not) exist.

Remember...only us, the LBS, are operating in reality.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Thank you. Part of me hopes you are right part of me wants to be done with it all(and her)

It took me a while to process much of what is going on these days. I've continued not initiating contact unless I text her when a window for my return. (I've decided that it's ok if I give her a rough Idea of my return time on the nights where she watches the kids at my house.)

We've had several instances of contact this past week.

Sunday, D9 left her glasses in W's car and we arranged to have her meet us on the way to school. W offered to take her but Since we were aready almost out the door I declined.

Tuesday she was dozing on the couch when I got home and we talked a bit about her day. (my arm around her.) She mentioned that the day before she called one of my good friends to go out and get pizza, I was not bothered on the surfice by this but deeper down it was unsettling. I mentioned it to my friend whom I see several times during the week and is one who I've confided in through this whole sitch. I did not mention it to her at all, but will if I need to. It was just wierd that she would choose him, and Im a bit hurt that she will hang with my friends but not me. I told him that I didn't want to feel wierd about anything and that it might compromise my ability to confide in him. He was supportive.

Thursday , I was not feeling great and she was sick so I stayed home. I heated up some soup, and planed to watch movies all evening. W asked if she could join me, I said "sure"

The kids had both uf us in the house for the first time in a long time. I know they liked it. Lots of kid hugs. We all finished the movie I had gotten for the girls (I wanted to see it too). I let Mommy do bedtime and most of the other stuff and avoided any "talk" but there was some chit chat. Put in the Grown up Movie and wasn't sure if she was going to join me or not. I felt at this point that I had found my "Mr. Cool" groove and really didn't mind if she sayed or left. She sat next to me and laid her head on my shoulder as the movie started. She said it was getting late and that she shouldn't stay. I said "ok". And we watched the beginning of the movie. I had my arm around her and she was laying her head on me still. We shared some chocolate and she said she had really better get going before she falls asleep. I was happy with that and said "Ok Bye, Have a good weekend and a safe drive home.

I was a bit wierded out that she was being so friendly when the next day she has plans to go to a comedy show with OM#1. We havn't spoken about it since I confronted her with the emails over a month ago. But I'm really trying to move on completely and my feelings were pretty mild.

This morning she calls and asks how the morning is going, at first sounding pleasent, and then says, "I want to take D9 to school and I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. I tell her Ok, We're just going out the door now, the answer was never 'no' so we'll set up a time for you later. She responded with yes it was I've offered several times..." I just said, "Ok, we'll set it up later, we have to go." I was not ok with the demands and I wasn't going to argue with her...I should never had answered the call.

I do like my child situation now that I'm adjusted to it. Last night I realized that that there is really not "that" much different in my life. I pay the bills now and I sleep alone other than that my day to day stuff is similar, well similar while being different in a pleasant way.

That said, I have no intention of preventing W from taking D9 or either of the kids to school. I think I'm going to suggest Thursdays. Other than that I'm at a loss for words. I have no interest in trying to read her mind anymore. She did offer but in heindsight I took it as her just asking to help out and I said, "No, I got it.) Now, I realize that she was telling me..."I'd like to take D9 to school."

HTTE's mind reading skills are horrible.

We'll see how this is resolved over the holiday. I'd have her do it this week but kids are off school. That's Murphy for you.

Thanks for listening. Happy Turkey day Everyone!
I smoked a trial bird last week and it was great...Doing another one for Thanksgiving, Yum!