I was parked outside the elementary school I work at for just one hour a day, from 1 until 2. I had just gotten in my car at 2 and was sitting there, eyes shut, praying for H and that God would give me back my husband...
I got the sense that another car was there, I wondered if they wanted my spot..I opened my eyes, and MY H was parked alongside my car looking at me?
He gestured at me and mouthed something, I couldn't tell what...
Then he back up and parked right behind me on the street. (he couldn't stay beside me, that was the actual flow of traffic lane!)
Anyway I got out and went back to his truck. He said he drove back to town from Omaha to vote before he caught his plane (back in Omaha). I asked if he knew I was going to be there, he said no, he just saw me so he stopped...
I flashed him a winning smile and said, "So, do ya want me?" in a playful voice. He laughed but didn't say anything. I said, "No really, do ya? I'm pretty cute..."
H laughed and smiled and shook his head, and said, "You make it sound so simple..."
Me: "Do you ever think you make it too complicated?"
H: "No, I think it just IS that complicated..."
Me: "OK then, that is your answer..."
H: "NO, it ISN'T. I am just SCARED, Bob, I am SCARED to try and I am SCARED not to try."
Me: "I am scared too. I am afraid I will try and you will hurt me and I bet you are afraid to try and I will let you down--"
H: "Yeah, I am really, really scared."
Me: "Too scared to try again?" (someone just shoot me and duct tape my mouth, ok?)
H: "Kind of. I just don't know what to do. It isn't that simple..."
Me: "So you are scared, you don't know what to do, you don't want to try and have it not work, I get that...I just don't see this as something where you can refuse to make a choice..."
H: "I know, that is why I am so afraid..."
I had my arm in the window of his truck, he rubbed my hand once or twice.
Me: "Ok, well you better go vote, and be safe....." (meaning on his flight, I always say that)
WTF now? I want to hide in a hole while he is gone, not talk to him at all, just leave him alone...He was enjoying himself at home, he said earlier this week he didn't know why but things seemed different, and then I go and act like pushy old BBJ............
Smack me!
OK and now I am double-screwed b/c I have NO desire to go to the lawyer when H is scared. Somehow I thought if he said he didn't want me it would make it easier for me to march to the lawyer, but for him to say he is 'scared' has thrown me for a loop...going to the lawyer would be me acting out of pride and spite, not b/c I truly want a D............grr hit me with the 2 x 4s already.........
