LD - Be strong. What you are doing is setting boundaries. Your W may not like them but she will respect you for them. I doubt she will respect you at all in the future if you allow this affair to continue unabated and on her terms. She doesn't respect you or the marriage right now and that is obvious.
She has to feel and understand that there are consequences for her actions. I think at this point it sounds like you have been enabling your BIL and your W to continue in some very screwed up behavior.
Perhaps you need to take her belongings and put them in bags out in front of the house...along with the BIL.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. Why put up with it? If she is going to come back, that is what she'll do, regardless. In the meantime you need to make it clear that you won't be a doormat.
There has been somewhat of a change in my ExWs behavior towards me. You see the marriage is over and I'm getting out of the house. I'm free and she has no control or game left. After this I will no longer exist in her world...and she knows it. Marriage in practical terms is just a piece of paper. However the relationship either endures or dies. Reality is a bitch. My ExW thinks she could walz back into my life at any time but she is starting to lose that feeling of control.
Your W needs to feel like she is losing something in all this in order to change. The only way that is going to happen is if she loses control and connection. To date she has had you right where she wants you. She comes and goes as she pleases and knows your every move. There is some gamesmanship here unfortunately. I'm not into games but sometimes you just have to play. This is no time to lay on the ropes and counter punch. Start moving and throw a few well timed combinations. Shake things up a bit. Change your rhythem and timing.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Over the past 3 weeks, I have virtually ignored her. since doing her brakes, I have not had anything to do with her at all. I think packing the clothes and storing them upstairs is the best move for me. the pictures are stored, this will be the final action to show her there is nothing here for her. I am changing the lock to my bedroom and office this weekend. she will not have access to any of my personal items. My son told me something last night that I found odd. i had told you he made a comment about her not being away for much longer and he'd tell me later. The other night she was talking to him about being screwed up money wise. He told her, why don't you go back to Dad, you know you're going to and everyone wants you to. She said she knows but its hard. He told her the only one it is hard for right now is you, Dad is gfonna wait forever. I found her comment about I know but its hard as the answer to his question. Odd. Not reading into it,
Yard work is a bitch. Only got half done, what a workout. Made up my mind about BIL, he will be ask to leave and find a new place tonight. Spent all day thinking about things, and have decided that I just can't have anything in my face right now other than me and my kids and my home. Got great news from the insurance company, they are sttling up my claim and I should have a nice check next week. Financially I am over the top. Not rich, but now my budget will work. I feel so good about that.
I think the less she has here, available to her, the less she'll have a reason to come by. If she continues to come by, then I know it isn't for clothes. My lawyer told me to change the locks and if she asks, just tell her the key broke. I don'tr want an argument with her, so rather than jump in her face about her OM and I don't want her here, I'll just tell her there are two keys, mine and my daughters. If she pushes the its my house to and I can come over if I want, then I'll give her the guns. It isn't your house, hasn't been since you walked. You decided to leave, you decided to live elsewhere. You are not going to come and go from here like yuouare contributing anything. Your clothes are packed and stored or you can take them with you. You have no reason to be here when I am her, I live here and I don't need to see you. If you want to come over and see the D, fine, see her, but be gone by the time I get home. I am getting the legal feedback about abandonmnet inMassachusetts. I believe in the case of adultery, I can get a court order to keep her from coming into the house, but I have to see what I have to do, short of filing.
Last night the W text me and called becasue a friend of ours is trying to get a job at my company. I told her when I heard something I would let her know. the w decided she would jump in. She ended the text with a "MWA". I spoke withour frined this morning about thepsition and what is gouing on. I also told her what was up with the text, was it a kiss my ass kinda thing. she said no. the W just text me and said she didn'tr mean anything by it, she tried to recall it because its a habit. I was stupid enought to reply, "Habit? since when." and then a second text" On you mean habit for other people."
Room looks good, it is all me. Her clothes are int he upstairs linen closet and her bvox of clothes are ina spare bedroom. I moveed everything of hers out. My kids are happy i did it. It was emotional for me. Its been about 3 weeks since I had tears or really felt ripped. Last night was very painful.
She made a comment to my son the other night after he told her to go back to me. her reply was " It isn't that easy". He started to argue with her and then backed off. I have to say when I saw thwe MWA at the end of her text in capital letters, I was excited. then to hear tonight that it wasn't meant, it was habit, she tried to recall the message.
I have been in the house all weekend working, yard work, packing upthe last visuals of her in the house so i don't see them and regress. Got a ton of stuff done. Wish I had headed down and gone to the dance, but these things needed getting done and the D and I had a great day just picking up and having dinner together. She wants me to get a girlfriend. she says it isn't right that I don't go out on dates and meet someone. I explained to her my feelings on that. right now I am into getting the projects around my house in hand, looking after her and me and letting everything else evolve as necessary.
Does suck being alone emotionally. Thinking of reading the book again and the book on her midlife crisis. there's nothing new in the books, but it keeps my mind steady. Keeps reminding me that all this crap is not about me or my marriage.
Anyway just posting cause I was feeling low. Although I wonder whether otr not she meant the MWA and my comment to her our friend mayb made her think Ithat I thought it was a sarcastic remark. which I told her I did.
feeling better today. Spoke with pldest D last night. She asked why I sounded down. explained the clearing out my room, cutting the final tie. there is no sign of her being there anymore. You have to go looking for evidnce that she has anything there. I explained that now all the physical and visible signs are gone, I should be better emotionally. told her about the phone calls and texts Saturday night. she said it was smart of me not to respond to her that night. Let her think you are out, not available. I told her that was the plan.
I told her about the apology text from her mother. she seemed to think it was odd that her mother would send a two page text apologizing and explaining her text. She said my comment to our friend about her text being sarcastic must have really botherd her. Especially since I got the text at 7:40 PM and talk to our firned at 8:15 AM. the W had stayed at there house and was there when I talked with her.
The D also said that it was another, "Good" baby step sign that her mother was contacting me directly about this job thing for our friend. She told me to hang in there and see what develops. she hasn't really talked to her mother, but does talk to her grandmother (my MIL) quite a bit, they are very close. the MIL has told my daughter that the W has told her mother that I don't talk to her about anything. When we went to court for this criminal truial we were both witnesses for, she told her mother I ignored her. My D said it seemed to really bther the W that I have cut her off.
I am figuring she will stop by my house today after work or tomorrow to see my youngest D. I am waiting for her to see the bedroom. My feeling is she will say something to my D. My D has aready told me that she is going to tell her that he packed you up, took down all your pictures. You don't live here any more and he doesn't want to be reminded of you.
Kinda harsh, but I am not going to censor my kids.
Country line dancing tonight, not feeling up to it, but I am going so I am out of my house. Going to visit the FIL this week, mayb Wednesday night with my D. Also going to my older D's house tuesday night for dinner. Have some social plans this week to get my mind occupied.
Conversation with BIL went as I expected. He was shocked as to what he owes me in back rent. Told him if I am not paid in full by Friday he is out the door. I have given him until Thanksgiving to find another place to live. I have only a few stress factos left . three to be exact. BIL, money and her. BIL is in motion, money is in motion, she , who knows.....
talked to my lawyer regarding limiting her showing up at my house whenever she wants. I need to legally file for separation and have that boundary listed. The simpler approach is to change the lock. I can do it for no reason. My daughters key is not working and the door lock is having issues. It will be changed Wednesday night. After her visual as to no clothes or belongings in my room, that door will have its lock changed.
I have alos decided to take an occassional trip to seesome friends without revealing the whereabouts to my D. She playas the game with her mother, but I would just as soon have it be the truth, she doesn't know where I am.
This all is really getting into the "game" and I feel I am moving forward quite well. Not fast, but well. Her birthday is the 19th of this month. I will remind my kids to call her. I will not send her a birthday greeting of any kind. She sent me one, I will not do the same.
I am getting hardened to her, to the point that I feel hurt. I feel myself getting very distant from her. dreams and thoughts of her are few and far between. If not for her showing up at my house or someone telling me about her, I have no real thoughts on her. Is it bad that I have stihled myself so much that I feel this way? I understand the methodology of what I am doing, but the reality of it is now, I don't want to be alone, emotionally? The baby steps she is taking, forward, are real. they are small and nothing to build my hopes on, but they are there.
LD - Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing well in handling the situation now. Emotionally this will be tough for some time to come.....probably a long while. All the history and all the memories.
It will be easier if you stay out of the MLC drama and get on with your life. Your W will see this.
This is not about you or your marriage. This is about her. This is not your fault. She will have to hit bottom and look inward.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
I heare ya. I do very well and then boom I see her or hear from her. WTF! Sends me off everytime. Allthe memories, emotions, what not....
She seems to be reaching out in a nonscalent kind of way. almost like, I'll call him, he's home, he'll sees its me and jump on the call. I was home, thoroughly exhauted from working around the yard. she had text my daughter to see if I was home. My d told her she thought I went out. I did not answer either phone or even acknowledge the call till the next day.
I do not analyze her. I like reading the books, but then I get into my fixing problems is my life mode....How was your weekend? Mine was very productive.
Well I'm still in the house! Asked my ExW for an extra day to move and was pleasantly surprised by a nice answer "stay in the house until Wed 5th if you like". So that was a surprise especially after going to court to argue about the dog LOL.
The woman I'm dating is a lot of fun. She is a great conversationalist, very affectionate, very loving. I've been invited to all the upcoming holiday functions and have been advised that I will be the subject of some pranks from family members since she hasn't dated in a while and I'm 10 years younger than she is. Should be fun.
We had our first serious relationship talk and she agreed that I'm not ready or even close to ready for settling down. I promised her honesty, respect and open communication. We are exclusive right now. We both like it that way for alot of reasons. No promises or expectations other than that.
To sum it up.....we're having alot of fun. Big change from the last years of my marriage. There is a commensurate amount of mutual nurturing going on and it feels good to both of us.
I understand what you going through. You're going to make it just fine. I know it doesn't feel like it at times, but you will. Take care of you. Right now your W can not. I wish you all the peace and happiness you deserve and will keep praying and hoping for a good outcome. You're doing the right things here. Don't let fear hold you back.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Thanks, God bless You. I know based on posting here, the book and other resources that i am doing the right thing to re-engage this relationship with her. i think getting the visuals out of my way will definitely help me over the top. I think once she sees the clothes thing, she has to realize that her cake eating days are clsed or are closing on her. I am going out with friends of mine Saturday to shoot pool. they are friends of both of ours, but she'll probably be with OM this weekend so I can go and visit with them. they told me how much they miss me and want me to come out with them. Made me feel real good. Object, no conversations about her or relationship. i just don'rt want this to be another "test".
I feel a lot etter now. D says she was there today. when she left she was very upset, not mad, upset. She didn't stay long. I guess she went into the bedroom, looked around, opened her drawers then wnet to the closet. she never asked where her clothes were or anything. My D watched her because she knew I had done this. She left shortly after. I asked if she left a note or anything and she said no. I think I hit a nerve.
