I really wish I knew what, if anything, is working.
Hey grace- Thanks...I had a great time on Halloween. I went to an adult birthday party and had a wonderful time.
My H and I went to AZ on Saturday and came back late yesterday afternoon. We really did have a wonderful time and stayed at a beautiful old hotel. It was so nice and it felt so normal...it was almost like the last 20 months haven't happened. Other than my H going to his meeting for a couple of hours, we just relaxed at the hotel...went to the pool for awhile and had a nice dinner at the hotel. In the morning we even had room service bring breakfast and we lounged around and watched an old movie. Now, I was very good and there was no R talk until we were heading back and I asked my H if he made plans for Christmas. He told me he did make reservations to go on a trip with his D leaving Christmas day. I very calmly explained to him my thoughts and feelings about him doing that. I told him that I understand that he wants to do something with his D and he has every right to do that but it would have been nice if he had discussed his plans with me before he booked the trip. To me, his actions show that he is not thinking of us as a couple. He understands what I am saying and admits that he acted selfishly...but then he tries to justify his behavior saying that he is afraid to come back to the M because we could get into his old patterns and how I don't understand how hard it was for him to leave 20 months ago. I brought up his comment about moving by the year end and that he actions weren't showing me that he is working toward that. He joked that he had bought some raffle tickets to win a condo at the beach and that he is going to win and move there. After that he listed a bunch of excuses why we shouldn't get back together, most of which I had heard before. I got a little quiet after that. My H sensed my frustration and became much more affectionate. When we got back home, my H told me he would call me later...and, of course, he didn't.
I called my H this morning and I told him that he is entitled to live his life however he wants but I am as well. I want someone who wants to be with me. He told me that he knows he wants his cake and to eat it too. He says he doesn't want to give up control in his life and comes up with more reasons and excuses why he doesn't he shouldn't move back He even told me that I should have given him an ultimatum so it would have forced him to come home. We left the conversation with nothing resolved. After thinking about everything, I called him back and told him that he should find someone to do his bookkeeping and that he didn't need to go to C with me tonight. He was angry that I called during the business day to tell him this and he told me he will call me back when he is done with his meeting but it doesn't really matter...time is up...I know I want more than he is willing to give now and I deserve better.
There are probably a lot of you here that think I should continue to be patient and understanding...but I am tired of just going around in circles...I don't think it will stop unless I put an end to it.
We left the conversation with nothing resolved. After thinking about everything, I called him back and told him that he should find someone to do his bookkeeping and that he didn't need to go to C with me tonight. He was angry that I called during the business day to tell him this and he told me he will call me back when he is done with his meeting but it doesn't really matter...time is up...I know I want more than he is willing to give now and I deserve better. 
