I have been following you for a while- used to post as Lights.
I can certainly understand your struggle to "stand" after so long, but I do see many positives in her recent remarks and actions-
You have done an amazing job so far, but this jumped out at me as something you might improve further:
Quote:
She commented that the wallpaper should come off in the house and the walls need a good paint scheme. She said that we also need to replace the light fixtures.
I explained that money is a challenge. She said that it should be done long before we sell the house (I pay a good sum every month and want to downsize so there is more money for the family) and that it was sad we never did renovations in past homes until we were selling them. I explained that we had minimal income (she was a stay at home mom) and we didn't have excess to fix it up earlier than we did.
I hear quite a bit of "explaining" on your part and not much validation. I know for a fact that "explaining" in my own R was found quite annoying and I needed to do far less "explaining" (if any) and far more listening. "NO 'EXPLAINING'" is one of the top items on my "Things to NOT do if I ever get another chance..." I think it makes someone feel unheard and an "explainer" comes off as a bit of a know-it-all, which is a real turn-off- not someone one would crave spending time with, much less being a life partner with...
How about just saying "You're right- it is a shame we didn't get around to fixing things up until we were ready to sell- we didn't even get to enjoy those improvements..." and "Well, we're in this house now, I'm going to fix it up right now and we'll enjoy it as long as we can..." And make sure to touch base with her about every detail, asking her advice on colors, paint texture (flat vs. eggshell vs. gloss, etc.), which lighting fixtures to choose, general plan, everything! If she seems to be annoyed with you asking for her advice on the decor (which I doubt she will, as she seems totally into it), then just stop and make decisions yourself- or better yet, ask friends for advice and input.
If you can't afford something, I think it would work better for your M to just keep it to yourself and then roll up your sleeves and try to work to afford it. If she gets snippy and directly confrontational about it- again, I would avoid complaining about lack of funds and perhaps respond more positively such as "We do need that"...or "that would look great"...followed up by "I'm going to do every thing I can to make that happen as soon as possible..." I think her interest in home decor is tremendously positive and a great chance to bond with her. Instead of rolling out a litany of reasons why those things can't be done, find a way to get them done (stripping wallpaper and paint is cheap- mostly labor- you can even rent carpet installing tools from Home Depot for low cost, although I'm not a fan of wall-to-wall- laying a wood floor is not that hard to do yourself- I even painted a plywood subfloor with floor enamel for my niece after getting rid of the wall-to-wall that she hated- threw down a few inexpensive vintage rugs from ebay, and it looks great! Niece loves it!)...and have fun and delight in a project together with the woman who may (will?) always be your wife in your heart...
Lots of great DIY sites online now...or ask here! Plenty of talented LBSs with time on their hands?
Imageer is right- laughing together is about as sexy and fun as it gets.
Again, both you guys, I wouldn't bank on your Ws staying with their respective OWs for that long. Few lesbian Rs last longer than 3 years- believe me, I know this- I think it's sad...I hope to change all that with my own beloved P and M (we lasted over 8 years before she took off, but it will be a lifetime in my heart)...let it begin with me...
