Trying2Live-Post #3

[AllW8SBF]

OK faith I'm with T2L you said what I would have. So don't be hard on yourself - you actually kept more composure then I did. I'd suggest (not sure if I should be making any suggestions) but I'd suggest go with your gut - do exactly what your told him, you need space from him. For you and it will be a little wake up for him.
Use the time to figure out much like what T2L posted - do you really WANT him or just NEED him?

I really liked that post about the Fear that holds us back. I'm going to print that and keep it in my inspiration book.

Speaking of books - ok T2L I know you've more than suggested get SAA book, but here is my question - I've told you girls I've been reading Seven days to Sex Appeal. This is GAL thing for me, as I'm hoping it makes me feel better about myself because I can be so tomboyish. I'm almost done with it. But I also have the most recent DB book not sure if that is DB or DR but which ever is the one they say is more concise and most recent is the one I have. And I started reading it one night but only got like 8 pages in.
So I'm not sure if I should read that (DB or DR) or go get the SAA book and start that. I've been meaning too but I have all these other books to read and not sure which to read first. I'm a slow reader, it takes me reading a page 2 times before it sinks in.

So this weekend was not perfect. Friday got home late because of traffic, but h told me don't worry just drive safe and we'll leave when I'm ready. He waited when I got home to get all dressed up - he didn't dress up. He usually hates to wait on me for something he feels is nothing for him, or something I want, so him waiting meant a lot.
I dressed up as little Red Riding hood - HOT. We went to the Blackhawks game and had lots of looks, pictures taken of fans with me. H laughed at all the looks I was getting. They won and we had a great time at the game. Then he asked if I wanted to go out afterwards I said sure. Oh during the whole car ride I sat turned towards him (something he said OW did that made him drive better and made him feel special) so I looked at him whole time.
We went to a bar/nightclub by our house that was having a Halloween Costume party. I did a little non confident things that I could tell annoyed him. But we danced - my feet were killing me so I went and sat down and told him go - go and dance.

Well at one point at the club I got self indulgent and lonely and wanted to feel attractive and loved (I must mention I have really been praying to God to guide me and give me strength and to talk to H) well I went to go take off my ring, so guys would come up to me. Well God was present I couldn't no matter what I did it would not come off. Not even 1 minute after I was stopped trying I had some guy (he was trying with everyone so I wasn't "special")he comes up to me and starts talking to me. Once again, God knew what I needed and what gave me both guidance in those mere moments of not allowing me to take off my ring but giving me a feel good pep me up.
He's with us, just believe.

Well we go home around 1AM H got dissed a few too many times and my feet hurt. So we left, well I changed and we were going to bed. And well he started his usual thing when he wants some. He sent the dog off the bed, and got really close and started leaning over to me, told me he had a great time, yada yada. I'm like so did I, I talked about all the things of the evening. Then he leaned into kiss me, We kissed. And I just said, that I know your over me so this won't go any further than that.
He got upset rolled over turned off the light and said that was just to thank you for a great night.
I'm like well thank you.

Well I kinda dozed off, but then all of a sudden I feel his hand on my tummy and he starts pawing at me. In seconds I was just so wanting him. So well we used each other is what I keep telling myself, even though I was so hoping the nightmare would be over - but knew it wouldn't - kept the whole no expectations in my head. We did do somethings that I'm sure he lost respect for me. But some much for his profile - moved past r mind, BODY, and heart.

Once we were done I just kissed him on the cheek and said I know that does not change a thing - I don't think that was quite good to say but I love you could have been worse

Saturday we slept in, then I had GAL to do - I went skating with some people from work, then came back, and went to church. H was basically jerked around all day and ended up not getting to go on a first date with this girl he REALLY liked (but had not met yet) - Crazy. Anyway so my sis called and let me know what was up for the evening.
I met up with her and H stayed home. I had a great time, and my sis and her friend who I'm semi close to (I'm close to a few of my sis friend - one stood up in my wedding). She told me we are going out (I did tell my sis whats going on and she told her friend - and it turns out she also knew about before when h and I split because we hired her dad to sell our house so he told her) Anyway so now she's like we are going out that I need to. So we will see where that goes.
Came home at like 3AM even with the turning the clocks back!!!
He was still awake. He said he was going to go back to the bar from last night but didn't instead as he put it, when one door closes another opens, so I guess he found someone else online that night, and tells me. This Friday he is going out right after work and next weekend he is going to Indianapolis. And this is a really big deal - he's leaving right after work and well he's just so excited he made it sound like he doesn't know if he wants to come back. But I was just like ok. I got ready for bed.
I have found that when he thinks he has a chance with someone he really trys to push me away and does the whole I'm going to sleep in the other room, cook my food, wash my clothes, etc. etc., but then when he's been strung along, dissed, left out in the cold, he'll be oh I need my friend to talk to.
So with this new possibility he went all day and night Saturday to 3:30 AM Sunday to say, we need to talk, about last night, I'm like I know, he's like you know what. I say, we both had needs and they both were satisfied. GOOD right? Just brushed it off.
So after all that he was nosey and trying to find out what I did that night. I just said pleasantrys and changed the subject. H said so this was a party at your sis and her boyfriends clubhouse and I'm like no.
He is just so nosey about what I do. I try not to be with him, because I don't want to one hear all the gory details about his dates. Cause he's not going out with friends he's trying to find someone.

Sunday we slept in again. And I told him if he could just let the dog out before he leaves tomorrow he said, I'm not going anywhere tomorrow. He had said he'd be gone most the day. He asked if I was going to watch the game - UMMMM HOPE we are Cowboy fans - he has been all his life (grew up in Tulsa) and I became one. Well he makes himself breakfast, and then he gets a phone call - now he is going out - back to the OTB - which is what I originally thought he was doing.
All these girls don't get back to him right away - he plans things and they call last minute so it's been bugging him.

Anyway he went out, didn't say good bye or when he'd be back. I watched the game then shopped. Came home and he was there. On the computer AGAIN. I put groceries away. Watched some tv then went up to bed. Right past him. I got ready, did some things then closed the door. Noticed that the light in the other room was on - the humidifier was in the other room, the pillow on his side gone. So I figured he's sleeping in there.
He knocks and I make him wait - for no reason just to have control. He comes in and seems like he wants to talk.
Uggghhh here we go again.
I'm trying to turn on the fan, so he goes to help I snap I can do it, then he sees it's unplugged. He goes to try and plug it in, I snap I can do it. I snap so now you want to be all nice and talk - you don't say goodbye or hello but now you want to talk. He says hey you don't want to keep track of hellos and goodbyes cause you won't win any prizes (again he feels I don't say hello or goodbye, I just leave or come - I do say hello and goodbye before just no hug or kiss when I leave) now I've been trying to be cheerful and saying hi and bye. But again don't think I should be hug or kiss since well you know - What do you think, since he didn't like that I didn't do that, do I do it? How do I if he doesn't want me to do loving things?

He's like there is something that's bothering you more than just the hello. I'm like oh you forgot to close the garage door out to the garage. He's like I'm sorry.

He went and got ready for bed then his phone starts ringing - right around 10pm so this is going to be a routine I can tell. He goes into the other bedroom.

Convo must not last long as he comes in saying he needs something I'm thinking his alarm clock but nope he gets a mag. Hope he woke up on time.

Oh and I prayed when I went to bed that God talks to him. Well at around 3:30 AM he comes in and gets a cold Eeeze and a nyquil - AAAAHHHHH he's getting a cold. God what you doing to him. You know he's in a fog, I wonder if since they don't listen to anyone else when their in the fog they will listen to God?

I was bad I kinda hope that he gets a cold sore next week to ruin the following weekends stuff.

I have a FEAR like discussed about that, If I got on this trip during the week before Thanksgiving - which is also my birthday - that he may bring someone home to my house and that other bedroom.

We really have no boundaries.

Since he is going to sleep in there, I started taking all care of my Boomer and now he won't be with him at night or in the morning.

I think he needs a little see how it is without us.

So progressions - I'm really letting God take control - Jesus take the Wheel" so to say.
I will hopefully be going out more, now that my sis friend, my sis, and I've joined a few more Meetup groups.

OH by the way - need GAL stuff go to the Meetup website create a profile and put things that interest you and you can see what groups there are out there and you can meet some new people. Anything, even things like I did General Hospital, divorce support, volleyball, dining out, movies, etc.

I really am letting God just help me. I find irony in the correlation of (he mentioned how both our teams Cubs/Cowboys suck this year after expecting so much) well I find it funny that they are floundering and so is our relationship - another convo from God?

Oh you know I have to say I know you will all disagree and I do too, just because the kids don't understand and its hard on them, and they are put in bad places. But part of me wishes I had a child because then (here is my selfish part) I'd have someone who loves me.

Now waiting on answers about which book should I start first - SAA or DR/DB?

Do I give hello and good bye hugs, or kisses on the cheek forhead?

Here is something to ponder - Woman have many flaws, men have 2 - Everything they say and Everything they do