Chazz-- I remember having a similar discussion with you about organized religion a few (more than a few?) months ago....I can see that you are still seeking.
Yes Donna.... I am still seeking. It is a quest that I have been dialoguing about on the threads for some time now. I feel strongly that it is a journey of genuine discovery and something that I am meant to go through.
I think I am also expressing my issues with the Church Corporate Machine and culture. In doing so, I hope I am working through these issues. No doubt I am expressing some disappointment and perhaps even resentment. Both need to be dealt with.
My program has brought me to "Come to believe" .... well actually "Rediscover" is probably the more descriptive term. Yet I want more. The longer I am in the program and working my program, the more vividly clear the truths of the Bible are to me. Scriptures spring alive with new meaning. It feels like revelations of truth all over the place. This feels like the beginning of my spiritual awakening.
I simply cannot believe what appears to me to be so amazingly and thoroughly true in the most practical ways. Yet my issues seem to continue to be....
1. A feeling of non-relevance with organzied churches as I have experienced them.
One big reason probably centres around my XW's involvement in a "Ministry" (frankly, I even find that word tired and empty). There are ridiculous double-standards. I guess I am hurt by it still.
Another reason is how unrealistic I feel the organized church is in dealing with contemporary issues. I beat this issue to death with my previous thread. No need to get into it again.
I was in a recovery organization one time where a bunch of old ladies came to "Minister to you street people". This was about the most ignorant thing I had ever heard. They didnt even realize that most of us were working suburban people. Or some of us professionals with educations, careers and families. I had been driven to the church-based recovery centre by my millionaire friend in his Lincoln the day before.
So my question to this kind of an effort is... who is this ministry really for? You or the people you are "Ministering" to. Well first off ladies.... you dont even seem to know who we are. You just presume that we are "street people". I felt they were there to fulfill their own sense of worth rather than actually do something meaningful. They were there to take for themselves rather than do something for someone else. This pattern I have seen over and over with "ministries". They so often appear to exist for the sake and perpetuation of the ministry itself, not for the people they presume to serve.
2. FRankly.... I cant even think of my second point.
Oh well.
Quote:
With your search, I am surprised that your recovery program doesn't fulfill your needs, since it doesn't sound like you particularly need the social outlet. Again, the relationship with God is personal...
You are correct, I dont feel I need the social outlet. I have a ton of social contact. Great friends, a very busy workplace life, lots of interactions in The Program.
Yes, I miss a personal connection with God. I carry guilt. I find myself using his name in vain and am having a hard time forgiving myself. This is a big one.
I commited other sin as the Bible describes it too. I dont yet feel forgiven. I feel like a bit of a black sheep. Yet I know that God is forgiving. It is a strange paradox that I feel I am on a journey to discover a greater truth.
I appreciate your dialogue. It is not peppered with "Christianese" which is something I also struggle with hearing. "Christianese" wreaks of conformity to me. It feels like empty verbage. So thanks for speaking plainly.
Maybe what I need is more fellowship with a few more wayward believers who have been to the same edges I have been to. I am sure God will put in my path what I need.
For now, suffice it to say that I dont disbelieve. I probably am just looking for a comfortable and satisfying way to believe.
