BTW alot of people here can offer some great advice. Sandi included, but you have to listen to them.
I'll offer a little bit from my limited knowledge. It will take a LONG time for your H to get past this. If he even suspected that something was going on despite your denials, for the whole time until you admitted to it, you can count those years as part of the affair. I'm not saying that you did anything more with the OM during that time, but the deception continued and that grew inside him. I say this from experience, as a LBS, and you need to understand the magnitude of this. My W and I have been back together for almost a year and I still deal with her betrayal fairly regularly. Now when it comes up it is not painful like early on and I deal with it much different than before. I have forgiven, but not completely forgotten. No matter what you do, this is not something that will go away quickly, or fix itself, it will take TIME and PATIENCE on your part.
You need to start over, the idea of having no contact whatsoever is incomplete. Its not that you can't have contact with him it is that you can't have contact with him the way you have been. YOU have to change. YOU have to be different.
Originally Posted By: mof3
Two days ago I decided that in order for me to heal, which will enable him the space to heal, I will have no contact WHATSOEVER.
Now hear me out, but, I find this a bit self centered. From the outside point of view (mine)this says that the only reason you are giving him space so that he can heal, is because it is what YOU need. Not, because you understand that he is in pain and that you want to give him space to figure things out. See the difference. It is a small difference in wording but a huge difference in understanding.
I believe that you are sorry, and I think that you are trying to do the right thing, but you are going about it all wrong. Try to approach this from a position of correcting the things you are doing wrong, not from one of doing what you need to do to get H back. If you don't fix YOU it won't work. He fell in love with you before and it can happen again, but not without changes.
Keep working
M 39, W 35 D7, S5 Friends 18+ Together 11+ Married 8 ILYBINILWY 4/7/07 - A BOMB 4/29/07 Seperated 5/16/07 - D Filed She Moved out 7/1 D Busted 6/15/08
BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. MIGHT BE BLACK AND WHITE TO YOU BUT NOT ME. I know how you feel Mof3. I totally know how you feel. You are hearing criticism and you want clear direction.
But if you take a step back, there are clear suggestions in the posts from Sandi, from me, from other people too. Here's a summary of what is important, IN PRIORITY ORDER.
"Leave him alone." This means stop calling, stop thinking about him, stop texting, stop apologizing, stop answering when he calls. (10/31: i rang H again this morning and apologisd again to him for all the pain. 10/25: It is Saturday night and i am home alone. H is not answering my calls or texts which frustrates the hell out of me. It feels like he is trying to prove something or tell me something 10/19: H said "I will see you at Steves ?" I smiled and said "Why dont you pick me up ". He said "ok" 10/19: The only thing i have not done is given him real space. I constantly text and call. ) Fact is, you are smothering him. It's hard. But if you are busy with other things, you will not fall into the reflex of needing to call him. Suggestion: keep a phone or contact log. every time you speak to him, or see him, write it down. Keep track of how much you call him and he calls you. Manage it. Be aware of how much contact. Manage it downward over a period of 3-4 weeks. Being upbeat and positive and looking good when there is contact, is great. But you must keep the contact lower. You must absolutely stop reaching out to him. Right now. It's desperate and suffocating and entirely unattractive.
"get a life."Right now, resolve to do something different tomorrow. Something totally new. A new coffee shop. A dance hall. A new gym. Windsurfing lessons. a manicure. Sea Kayaks. whatever. Something new. Do it. And resolve to do something new every week for the next 6 weeks. Try a bunch of stuff. Imagine this: you have landed in a new city, it is called "LifeForJane". There is all this new stuff to explore, new restaurants and things to do. You don't even know what is there. The only way to learn is to get out there are try some stuff. you will not like it all. you will find restaurants you don't care for. Neighborhoods you don't like. But you won't know until you try. Resolve to start exploring the new city now.
"get a counselor". This has been suggested over and over to you. You have lots of excuses. Stop the excuses.
"find patience." Lots of your posts are "I thought I was making progress." or "I cant take any more bad news." or "I was seeing I thought baby steps but I guess in my imagination." or "This seems worse by the day." Should I go on? Your posts are all the same theme: x happens and you freak out. It takes time. Sometimes lots of time. You must develop patience and perseverance. Somehow you must develop patience and stop freaking out. Decide that you want to DB, and stick with it. Stop second guessing. Stop seeing catastrophe around every corner.
"work on yourself" Sandi gave some specific suggestions on books to read, the Total Woman by Marabelle Morgan or Facsinating Woman (or Womanhood, can't remember which)". Did you get these books? Did you start meditating? Going back to church? Read any other books on self improvement? Did you make a list of your own character flaws and resolve to fix them? There's plenty to do here.
That is a good start.
If someone was really determined, they might print out that list, post it on the bathroom mirror, and check off the things one by one as she did them.
In your first post on this thread, you wrote what your husband was asking for: He Said " He needed to leave home because of the pain he constantly felt in the pit of his stomach. He said that pain is not there when we are separated because - we are separated, it does not matter what you are doing , we are no longer a couple.
It's sad that you are in this place. But it's clear what he is asking for. Time away from you.
I know it's hard. Doesn't matter. Hard is not impossible. Hard is hard. Do it, even though it's hard.
And improve yourself while you are away from him. That's DBing. Start today.
Now hear me out, but, I find this a bit self centered. From the outside point of view (mine)this says that the only reason you are giving him space so that he can heal, is because it is what YOU need. Not, because you understand that he is in pain and that you want to give him space to figure things out.
That is exactly what i mean. If i have no contact with him for a while, then with help of C and this site I may get to a position ( personally where I can let him go ). This means i will be able to have a healthy , none threatening, not passive aggressive relationship. Is this not a healthy place to start. I thought i was Dbing but after the last few posts I think that although I am being nice etc etc I am STILL coming from a spouse position. Could be some needy tone and false tone to my approach.
I love him to pieces, but I am struggling to take these blows. That might be self centered but i have had repeated advice on this site about taking care of myself. Is trying to be accepting of Hs current behaviour so as not to feel like everything a blow part of taking care of myself.
I have made appointment with C tommorrow night. Lets hope she gets through to me.
Councilor booked for tomorrow night. Sounded Ok on the phone. I have to be clear on what i want from her. I think it is to help me 'let go'. i don't say that in a negative way , but in a way that will be healthy for this family and if God is smiling then perhaps i will be a better person, for H to see. A real person not a fake.
I will print your list.
I still feel that at least for the next few weeks , that I dont want contact. I seem to be someone who cant do things in small doses. It is like if I said i am giving up icecream then I would have to give it all up. I could not so much as have a lick, as I would want the whole dish.
Tuesday 4 th of August. 1. See a councilor 2. Do workout with personal trainer. 3.I will not call him or take his calls. ( My need ) 4. i wont let imagination go wild. If he is with her then there is nothing I can do about it and i should not think about it and torturing myself. 5.Patience is a biggy for me. i feel too old to learn it. I have never ever been patient in my life. Never. i will read up on it and maybe ask c if she can offer help.
PS - Sandi said i while back not to snoop because it is hard to stop. I have heeded that advice.
Also I read something on self distancing. This is where you become the fly on the wall, watching yourself. You can reflect on it from a distance.
1. Mentally take a step back so you can visualise yourself in the experiance- so it is now happening to that person over there.
2. Ask this person why they are reacting the way they are. Don't focus on the bad experiance or you become overwhelmed.
3.As you watch the person go through the event , try to make sense of why she is having these feelings.
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another. To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies. To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more Remember: The time to love is short
I like the resolve, M. I think the "no contact at all" is a fine idea. I think it is entirely ok to take care of yourself, if you are not neglecting your responsibilities. Right now look out for #1.
Today I am again a bubbling mess, thinking I need to be in Hs face so he does not forget me. Then i think that is not doing what is right for me. I have to think that if he forgets me , I was always going to be forgotten.
I will do no contact for as long as possible, gaining strength within and finding some little happiness .
I am a strong , intelligent and if I say so myself good looking woman. This has hit me harder than anything else in my life. Everyone is shocked again at my meltdown. It is so out of character or is this my character, that I have kept buried. Vulnerable and soft and loving.
This is hard.
Friend have said that this as also out of character for H. They are surprised.
He won't forget about you; I'm pretty sure about that. Heck, I haven't forgotten any woman that I've ever dated; much less forget about the woman who gave me the greatest kids in the world. I don't think you have to worry about that.
Is his behaviour classic? Could he be just beginning a MLC? Possible with everything else that has happened, he may questioning his own life at this point. I know I've questioned mine. I just know that I have to stand my ground for the children. I make myself better and keep myself happy.
Everyone has a different timeline on how they get to detachment. In reality, it's taken me 3 years to really detach from her emotionally. I knew that I needed to do it a long time ago; I think that I just finally reached a breaking point.
