BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. MIGHT BE BLACK AND WHITE TO YOU BUT NOT ME. I know how you feel Mof3. I totally know how you feel. You are hearing criticism and you want clear direction.
But if you take a step back, there are clear suggestions in the posts from Sandi, from me, from other people too. Here's a summary of what is important, IN PRIORITY ORDER.
"Leave him alone." This means stop calling, stop thinking about him, stop texting, stop apologizing, stop answering when he calls. (10/31: i rang H again this morning and apologisd again to him for all the pain. 10/25: It is Saturday night and i am home alone. H is not answering my calls or texts which frustrates the hell out of me. It feels like he is trying to prove something or tell me something 10/19: H said "I will see you at Steves ?" I smiled and said "Why dont you pick me up ". He said "ok" 10/19: The only thing i have not done is given him real space. I constantly text and call. ) Fact is, you are smothering him. It's hard. But if you are busy with other things, you will not fall into the reflex of needing to call him. Suggestion: keep a phone or contact log. every time you speak to him, or see him, write it down. Keep track of how much you call him and he calls you. Manage it. Be aware of how much contact. Manage it downward over a period of 3-4 weeks. Being upbeat and positive and looking good when there is contact, is great. But you must keep the contact lower. You must absolutely stop reaching out to him. Right now. It's desperate and suffocating and entirely unattractive.
"get a life."Right now, resolve to do something different tomorrow. Something totally new. A new coffee shop. A dance hall. A new gym. Windsurfing lessons. a manicure. Sea Kayaks. whatever. Something new. Do it. And resolve to do something new every week for the next 6 weeks. Try a bunch of stuff. Imagine this: you have landed in a new city, it is called "LifeForJane". There is all this new stuff to explore, new restaurants and things to do. You don't even know what is there. The only way to learn is to get out there are try some stuff. you will not like it all. you will find restaurants you don't care for. Neighborhoods you don't like. But you won't know until you try. Resolve to start exploring the new city now.
"get a counselor". This has been suggested over and over to you. You have lots of excuses. Stop the excuses.
"find patience." Lots of your posts are "I thought I was making progress." or "I cant take any more bad news." or "I was seeing I thought baby steps but I guess in my imagination." or "This seems worse by the day." Should I go on? Your posts are all the same theme: x happens and you freak out. It takes time. Sometimes lots of time. You must develop patience and perseverance. Somehow you must develop patience and stop freaking out. Decide that you want to DB, and stick with it. Stop second guessing. Stop seeing catastrophe around every corner.
"work on yourself" Sandi gave some specific suggestions on books to read, the Total Woman by Marabelle Morgan or Facsinating Woman (or Womanhood, can't remember which)". Did you get these books? Did you start meditating? Going back to church? Read any other books on self improvement? Did you make a list of your own character flaws and resolve to fix them? There's plenty to do here.
That is a good start.
If someone was really determined, they might print out that list, post it on the bathroom mirror, and check off the things one by one as she did them.
In your first post on this thread, you wrote what your husband was asking for: He Said " He needed to leave home because of the pain he constantly felt in the pit of his stomach. He said that pain is not there when we are separated because - we are separated, it does not matter what you are doing , we are no longer a couple.
It's sad that you are in this place. But it's clear what he is asking for. Time away from you.
I know it's hard. Doesn't matter. Hard is not impossible. Hard is hard. Do it, even though it's hard.
And improve yourself while you are away from him. That's DBing. Start today.
