Keep Laughing, I am glad I Read your post I just posted another bomb on my thread. She is having an affair, but your acting as if has given me a little direction. I am going to my W's sisters wedding on the weekend and I guess I need to act as if even though I know now. She doesn't know I know (if that makes sense).
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
I really am so impressed by your attitude and how much you have learned in such a short time.
The key to getting through all of this is to first of all detach, which you are getting the hang of. This will help you to get through the spew sessions.
Breathe!!!
So many times, during my Husband's MLC, the only way to get through one of his "episodes" was to breathe through it. It helped me to get my focus back and to keep my big mouth shut!
Prayer!!
A very wise poster, once told me about the Refiner's Fire. This was a HUGE turning point for me, I learned how to be still and to wait on God.
As you already know, the only person you can change is yourself. It is something that has to be real, you can't fake it. Having occasional backslides doesn't mean you have regressed, it just means you are human.
As long as we keep moving forwards and we learn from our mistakes, we are making progress.
There are no guarantees with DB-ing, as far as saving every single Marriage. But you will save yourself, and you will become an absolutely amazing person having gone through this horrendous trial.
Hang in there, don't lose your faith. It's Ok to take a time out now and again when things get to be too much.
Sending HUGE hugs
((((hugs)))
BND
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thank you so much for stopping by, I hear ya on the detachment. The biggest mistake I've made is when I first came and started lurking I was DBing to get her back. Your soooo right detaching and dbing HAS to be for me,and has to be for real. When I finally "got it." Good things began to happen.
Long way to go still, long way, but finally moving in the right direction. I value your advice greatly, feel free to drop by any time.
Not much happening right now. I'm not taking her calls. She left a message asking to switch a few days with me for the kids. She pulls this all the time. Wanted to talk about the holidays too. Whatever, talk to the machine tonight baby.
My goal is NO MORE slips. If she wants to act like a flake fine. I'll treat her accordingly. Not in a mean way though. Hey, she's trying to call again as I'm typing. Sorry sweetie. Welcome to my world now.
I will never be dependent on anyone but me from now on. I love her but I don't call the shots in her world and the same goes for her in mine. If she is nasty buh bye.I don't have to listen to it. Kinda liberating in a way. Whats she gonna do now leave??
Man, I sounded pretty harsh there. I needed to vent. I do feel for her deeply though. I love her like no other and can only imagine what she is going through. I pray for her daily several times daily.
The most frustrating thing of all this is, that's all I can do. Don't get me wrong praying is huge.
I'm on a journey of sorts as well. Accepting that there is nothing else I can do to help her through this has been a very hard lesson to learn. I can only change me. I can only DB for me. If she sees this great, if she doesn't I can't change that either. Time to get out of the big guy's way and let him work.
After four calls, I called my w back this a.m. I was all business, agreed to switch days with the her for the kids. This is happening a lot. She mentioned wanting to switch around Thanksgiving as well. This is all because of her job. I want to do whats best for the kids, however I feel like I'm always bending.
She asks if anything was wrong because I was short with her. "No just busy."
She seems to be full spead ahead with the D. She brought up not helping to pay for mortgage anymore. I told her I didn't want to discuss it right now. "I will do what I have to do to make ends meet."
Kept, it short, she seemed a bit bothered by this, not my intentions. Not looking to good right now.
Hi Trapt, I just read your thread and I have to say you are doing a great job. I just wanted to give my two cents about the bending and switching visitation with the kids to meet your w's needs...Don't be so accomadating to her...she needs to understand that you are not a babysitter when she makes plans or has to work.
I am glad you did not take her calls...keep it short sweet and to the point...Your W needs to feel what she is missing...being there constantly will not help her or you! Detachment is very hard but try doing things for you..things you enjoy!
I know to you it doesn't look good right now but you never know. If you get bored read my past threads...It also did not look good for me...My H filed for D and we went to court. H then had a change of heart...or in his words..realized the mistake he was making.. and he terminated the D. That was 1 1/2 years ago.
H also had an OW, expected me to be the sole provider for our children and really did not offer any help. Believe it or not...I let this all go...I never called him and if he called the only conversation we had was about the kids (D4 and D9month at the time) I would not call him for anything...I think this made him see what he was missing and that I could function on my own as a person and parent and I didn't "need: him.
What have I learned from all this? 1.I do not take my M for granted anymore. 2. Forgiveness is the hardest thing I have ever done. 3. I do not "need" my marriage, I chose to have it 4. Unconditional love takes patience!
