On Saturday H called in and mentioned that he had been out the night before with another Woman. He had met her at sailing and she was in a similar position as him with spouse having A. she invited him to a rugby dinner. While there her and a group of friends organised a dinner at her place which H was going to.
I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I have been Dbing I thought quite well. I have been happy, available, not pressuring etc, I was seeing I thought baby steps but I guess in my imagination. Maybe my being so happy and available has seemed like more pressure on H.
I cant take any more bad news. To protect myself now I am going to have no contact at all. No visual, nothing. My poor kids were so upset but other than having a basket case for a mother, they to have felt him abandoning them . D18 tried to expalin her feelings. He got a little of the message and sent apologies to all kids regarding him not being present while i was so upset.
I feel now that I cannot proceed with this M. I know I am at rock bottom. I dont know the effect of no contact will do , but for me ,I have to turn this corner. It is probably what I needed to shock myself into this position.
I have to accept that he does not want to be married. I know i had the A but I learnt and changed from that, something H cannot see. I did all that I could.
I dont know why I am so upset again. In a small way it is not jealousy , I dont like him as he is, why would i want to be married to him. Why am I sitting here crying.
I will see him when I am stronger. I cannot do anymore to protect myself than this. I will see a councilor as soon as I can but my need has shifted. Perhaps this is what I was waiting for. I know I need to gAL , I have some ideas but you know what today I just cant do it. Today my entire energy goes to stopping myself ringing him and going to work. God knows if i will even be able to do that but I know in my heart of hearts that I have to.
I think i was dbing wrong. I was still sending ' the door is open' signals still. I was not presenting an emotionally independent person. i also have given him no time to miss me. I am always there. i found in the book the passage that the relationship is like a see saw. While one person is worrying about the M the other does not have to. He can continue to focus on leaving and his own feelings.
I dont want to pretend anymore that I am happy without him. I want to be happy without him. i am not the person that ever shuts the door on any one person. I ave no enemies, I forgive all. Even OMW has spent years trying to resume friendship. Bless her she does not know all though.
I am physically bent over in pain. Any guidance would be appreciated
I changed my name as D18 was showing interest in what I was doing on computer. She may take a look and i don't want her to find me here/ Things i have posted would not be good for her to know right now. Well not this way anyway.
I don't understand you. You went for three years in an affair. Then you finally come clean and tell tell the whole story and he leaves. I understand you being upset at him leaving after he promised not to if you would be honest with him. Which tells me that he must have suspected that you weren't--if he kept bringing it up. But this is what you said in the first post of this thread:
Quote:
I have done everything possible to get him back.
If you mean you have done everything wrong to get him back.....I agree. But you have not used the DB techniques. When you are encouraged to detach, you say it's too hard, etc. Now you are the one hurting and don't want to continue. Remember what he went through for threeyears! But, nowyou are the one hurting, so I suppose the rules should be different for you? Maybe he wants to experience some of what you had. Maybe he wants to punish you. He probably does want to see you paid back for some of the hurt you put him through.
Why can't you do like the book instructs you to do and the people here are trying to tell you instead of just throwing in the towell and saying "it's too hard and I'm hurting". Frankly, I don't blame your H one bit for what he is doing b/c I think he is reacting normally considering all he has been through. I don't think he should have promised not to leave if you told the truth and I suppose he thought he could stick it out and he also discoved "it's too hard". As far as wondering why he had sex with you....have you stopped to consider that is the only time you came close to trying to do what you were advised by stop acting like you were married to the guy? He might have had other reasons for the sex, but we will never know. However, what did you think would come of that? Did you think he would move back home the next day b/c you had sex with him? He is way not ready for that! But instead of being more determined than ever to follow the DB principles, you decide that knowing he is out with other women is too painful and you can't go on like this. It hurts when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn't it?
Well, I hope you get a counselor and get some help, b/c you certainly need to stop thinking about your pain and face reality and leave the man alone, for crying out loud. We have tried and tried to tell you that was the first step--was to leave him alone. But, you know what? You don't want to. In fact, I don't think you want to deal with anything that is hard. And I can tell you that DBing is very hard. You were the one that did wrong and why you can't seem to give him space and time to learn to get past what you did and get it worked out in himself.....but no..you want all to be right with the world in the snap of your fingers. It doesn't work that way. You caused a lot of damage! You broke a family up. It was you....not him. You broke his ego and his heart. So, that is the results and you can either learn what DB is really all about and do what you are suppose to do and stop doing what you aren't suppose to ......or give up and continue to feel sorry for yourself. You are no good to yourself or your children feeling sorry like this. You don't want them to know what you did, but whether you realize it or not, you are make your H to be the "bad guy" in their eyes. True, he has to do the parenting, but they are seeing you fall apart, and you are smart enough to know that they are very upset with him for hurting you. If you are very smart at all.....you won't keep playing that card. If you hope to have a future with this man you claim to love, you'd better stop this stuff and wise up and start to work. But, if you throw in the towell, then I was wrong about you....you are not smart at all b/c if you were, you'd know that does not stop the pain!
The one thought that keeps nagging at me is that you may be a very, very self centered person that wants everything her way and everyone cattering to her and when things don't go to suit you.....then you throw a pity-party or a fit or you do something else to get your way.....or you are through.
You probably won't be hearing a lot out of me any more. I thought I could help you and I wanted to, but you can't stop thingking about yourself long enough to listen to anything anyone is trying to tell you. I hope you are not really like I described and I hope you will prove me wrong.
Anyway, I wish you peace with whatever you decide.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The A was for 8 months . 7 of them mostly via pone texting, the final month 2 physical contacts.
What I believe is that I have been doing Dbing incorrectly. I have been in contact daily ( mostly me contacting ) and being upbeat and happy and positive, looking good , not asking wherabouts etc etc .
I thought I was moking progress. I know i had an A but hell it stopped immediately, I did everything he said he needed to get over this. My life was an oopen book, I went to every C meeting alone and as a couple.
So where am i going wrong!!!!!!! Whatam i not understanding. I cant fake it to I make it.
Tommorrow night i have meeting with C. A new one. My goal has shifted. I want to be in a place where I am happy without H I am not filing for D. I want nothing more than to be married.
I need to fix me and if he is up for it in time i hope I will be open. I am very sad.
Sorry you feel unable to advise. I need all the help i can get and I like being told what I am doing Wrong. WHICH YOU DONT DO WELL. BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME. MIGHT BE BLACK AND WHITE TO YOU BUT NOT ME.
Two days ago I decided that in order for me to heal, which will enable him the space to heal, I will have no contact WHATSOEVER.
Is this the right thing to do?
I think he has done me a favour by going out with someone else. It does give me a taste of what he has possibly experianced and hence I come a little closer to maybe understanding what he is going through.
HI Mof3 I skimmed through your posts and think I got the highlights.
You had an A for 8 months a few years ago and denied this for 3 to 4 years. During that time things in the M were not good including a seperation. Recently you came clean about the affair and he left. Now you are trying to repair the damage but he is not showing much interest.
Is that a fairly accurate assesment in short form?
As far as Sandi2 saying you are doing everything wrong what I think she means is that you are not handling things as DR says.
Examples are patience, not getting angry, no pleading, etc.
M 39, W 35 D7, S5 Friends 18+ Together 11+ Married 8 ILYBINILWY 4/7/07 - A BOMB 4/29/07 Seperated 5/16/07 - D Filed She Moved out 7/1 D Busted 6/15/08
