Just a few more things to think about( as if you don't have enough already - sorry). If her family is seeing the changes in her for themselves, then you don't need to say much of anything to them.
As far as the pa goes. Your w is not herself right now. She is in crisis. She is not sharing her true self with ANYONE at the moment. She is searching, she doesn't know who she is.The pa will almost always burn out.
When it comes to confronting her its your call. Ultimatums rarely work in this sitch. She will more than likely rebel. If she suspects you know already, then that is probably enough. Time to be distant,vague,"as if". Time for more 180's. Get out and be positive and try to separate yourself from all this BS.
Stop treating her like you can't be without her. You should still be kind and listen to her, but you have to be strong. She needs to see that you could very well move on and be just fine without her. There is a balance to this, still working on this myself.
There are a few things you have to ask yourself. No time limit here, so think it through and be careful who you talk to. Many people will give you advice based on themselves in a way. Their beliefs and experiences.
Can you forgive her and let this go? Are you willing to give this your all knowing full well things may not work out?
This is very slow, very slow. The most important thing you can do is to let her go. You have got to take care of you. She is not capable of being there for you right now.
Seems like the totally wrong thing to do, but you have to. This is tough and takes time. You will know when you are letting go for real. She won't always be on your mind, the things she says and does will not affect you like they have been.
You will focus on you and be more sure of yourself than ever before in your life. You will trust that no matter what, you will be ok.
It takes time to get there but you will. Keep focusing on the positives and don't beat yourself up if you slip. This is hard!
Healthy Boundaries are important. You decide what you will and won't tolerate. You must be kind but firm and always calm. You can say it's not ok with you. No threats or knee jerk reactions.
What are you going to do just for you today that will strengthen you?? However big or small doesn't matter just something.
If your W is going through MLC, you have to realize that it is not about you. It is about her and the pain she is feeling. She is lost and searching for a solution. Because you are the closest to her, you will get the blame for all her problems.
The OM is a band aid to her problems. She feels infatuated with him and thinks that infatuation is happiness. At the same time, she feels guilt over what she is doing to you.
You are not dealing with a person that is rational right now. You are dealing with a person that is running completely on emotion.
Don't confront your W. It is the worst thing you can do. You will push her further away and right to OM. There is nothing you can do right now to talk her out of it. She will reject all who try to stop her. That includes you, her family, and friends. She will surround herself with people that do support her and validate her in her actions. My W barely talks to her family. Hasn't spoken to her father in almost 3 years and has almost entirely new friends since the bomb.
The important thing to remember is that the more you push her, the more she will pull away. I pushed really hard and my W ran really fast.
Hang in there. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done but you will get through this. The pain will subside. Succeed or fail you will be a better man for trying.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Sorry to hit ya will all the posts you had me worried bud. Remember never do anything on impulse or anger. You can do this.
She needs to see a Jeff that is having fun and LRTing his @$$ off. FOR Jeff. NOT her. Your anger is perfectly understandable. You can't let her see it though. Harden up your heart.
Show her strength. Do not tell her you love her. Do not tell her you miss her. Do not act like you can't live without her. Don't ask her what she is doing. You don't care right now, your to busy doing things for you.
Start doing things for You. When she sees she finally can't control your emotions and your having fun for you, it will drive her crazy. She won't show it, but it will.
Be vague, distant, do not share with her what your doing. Let her initiate all contact. Don't be available all the time either. It will take time and if she starts to respond positively DONT stop. Keep it up.
Your not gonna quit today and your not alone. One day at a time. Let go of her BS.
Thanks for the responses I think I get the message(LOL). Here is an update and a question. Last night I went to the wedding and although it was pretty tough I had a good time. She even slipped and called me honey and baby when no one was around. The minister was awesome and I was hoping that she listened to the message about commitment and that there will be good days and bad days etc. I don't think she listened. I was my usual helpful self being of assistance with the wedding party and the like. She said that she appreciated all my help (she was the maid of honor. She basically avoided me dancing only once she kept leaving the hall with her phone , I am guessing she was texting or talking the OM. I still maintained a happy exterior. I tried not to be pushy but I did compliment her and she didn't know how to take it. I guess I slipped a bit.
In the morning I got up and she said good morning and said I could sit on her bed and lounge, she then said I could get under the covers so we could lounge we both fell asleep. When we got up she got strange and said she thought it would be ok as friends but changed her mind and wanted me to leave.
The rest of the day was up and down she was mostly down and I left her alone. She then left for the afternoon and was having dinner at a "friends" it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure our where she was going. I can't even think about it and am almost at the end of my rope!
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
I feel that she is using me because she keeps complaining about not having money now that we have split the accounts. She is using me to pay half the bills. She has said that she wants the house but I know she can't afford it on her own. she keeps saying that she wants to split but is taking her time.
I don't know if I can take watching her go over to om knowing that they are getting physical. I know she is not her self.
This afternoon her parents and I went for a tea and I thought we would just discuss the wedding but they had a question for me.
They said that they were concerned about me and told me that that entire family was disappointed with my W. Her father wanted to know what my plans were. He gave me his opinion because he considered me a part of the family and always would be. He said that he believed my W was having a PA (I didn't tell him) so that opened up the topic. I told them that I have been suspecting it a s well (it was pretty obvious) I didn't tell them about the e-mail. They had been waiting for the wedding to be finished to speak with me.
Because they are worried about me they thought I needed to deal with it sooner than later and felt that by my not dealing with the situation I may be allowing her not to take responsibility for what she is doing and that I may be insulating her from the full financial consequences. She has been coming and going living in a fantasy world. My in-laws were very kind when they said all this and truly want me to be ok. It was nice to have the support. They have supported me through this whole ordeal.
They feel that she may be close to a break down and is detached and not herself. This is a common comment from her entire family.
They suggest that I set a deadline with the separation forcing her to deal with the situation.A couple of things could happen She could wake up and perhaps start the road back (not likely right away)or we separate she goes on for awhile and then crashes because the affair can't last as he has nothing to offer her longterm and I would be there to pick up the pieces (I wouldn't tell her that). It would have to be done with love but I don't think I can live in the same house knowing she is with the OM.
I trust all the advice you and everyone else have provided! I am overwhelmed by all of the support you and everyone else have given it's awesome. I guess my question is because they brought it up and they know their daughter what do you think? I probaly missed alot but you get the picture. I love her but fear I may have to let her go befor I get her back.
Jeff
ME 44 W 32 M 5 T 6
no kids
June 08 I don't want to be married it's not you it's me
You better get the message.Kidding. Your going through one of the hardest parts of this. Finding out about the pa sucks big time. You did well man! That had to be extremely tough to "as if" it at that wedding. no joke.
Force yourself to get out and do whatever. Positive stuff though, I wouldn't recomend the bar scene or stuff like that. A variety of things.Focus on Jeff (I'll keep drilling this until you do)
Look at it this way if things end up working out. You have had chance to get out,do new things and find yourself again. Hopefully have fun doing it. You are gonna grow from this in a good way. God forbid if they don't work, you will be that much ahead and you will not be saying man I sat around and did nothing and look what it got me. Let go, its a win win for you.
You are strong enough to do this.
Don't get me wrong there is a balance of sorts to this. You can pay her compliments thats not a slip. You don't want to treat her like a jerk but at the same time you have to SHOW her your strong and you will be ok with what ever happens. You want to be kind but not in a desperate way. Don't shoot yourself in the foot and say what your doing before you do it either.
You have to be sort of like when you first met. I'm sure you didn't grab a hold of her and say please!please!please! go out with me I have know idea what I'll do if you don't.
It seems like a game at times but its not. They will say and do all kinds of wierd crap. That's why its best to focus on you. It's sounds like there is guilt there about the way she acted. They do hear and realize that what their doing is wrong. It's like an addict though you can't tell them that. They have to let go to figure it out on their own. If you try she will run fast.
Your not at the end of the rope. This is where day by day, step by step really comes in.
You can do it. Patience and detachment. you can love her and still let go.
I don't know what to say about her folks if they came to you and said this. All I know is Thats their daughter and they will support her in the very end. I thought the same for a time too. It didn't work for me. You know your sitch better than anyone.
Yes you do have to let her go. It can be done while she is with you. As far as boundaries go like financially and you helping her out. She wanted this. Set some if you feel you need to. Don't get taken advantage of. Be calm and firm and tell her it was her idea.
You have to work it out with you ultimately.
I will never give anyone a yes or no answer to something like that. All I can tell you is take your time and really think things through. I never had the in-laws approach me and say anything like that. She does need to hit bottom.
This is your choice, You have to be prepared either way it goes if you give her a deadline. Think it through carefully. You come first right now. Think each scenario over and how would you handle it. How would you feel?
