Trying2Live-Post #3

[faithrunner]

Ladies, I think I blew it. Well, actually, H blew it and I let him have it bigtime.

Let me back up and say that we have had a great couple of days, he was even leaving his phone in the car! No emailing! He let "honey" slip a couple times, even forgot what he was doing and leaned in to kiss me goodbye after the kids' halloween party at school (I turned and spoke to a mom next to me, played it off).

Then, this afternoon he comes to me and says I need to be honest with you "I think our friendship is going great and I wanted you to know that I have been talking to OW and we have been out to dinner twice. I didn't know if you had been wondering." I say, "I hadn't, it has nothing to do with me (as I'm chopping potatoes for dinner). I say, "so you're dating?" He says, "I wouldn't say that." I say, Ok, It's going well then? He says, I think so. And that was it. I starting chatting about dinner, the kids, whatever. Kept smiling. I felt like a DB champ! He looked uncomfortable and said he was going to leave to go do some work. I say feel free to go, we'll be fine. It sucked, and it felt like being kicked in the stomach, but I thought it was kind of a good step that he wanted to be honest, at least that's what I was thinking.

Later this evening, S4 says he met Daddy's new friend at breakfast today. I hit the roof. We had agreed before he moved out the second time that he wouldn't bring her around the kids until at least after he was back from Iraq (I lived through that madness as a kid, it sucks meeting your parents' dates). Needless to say, I was livid.

The kids were downstairs and I called H and went postal. I said you knew how I would feel about this when you called her to meet you. He said, yes and I'm sorry. What is all this crap about being friends. I said no thanks to that friendship. I say, I don't want you in my life. I need a break from you. I have behaved with dignity and supported you through all this and this is how you treat me. He says I'm sorry you're upset with me. I say, that's not how to apologize and I say leave me alone, bye. He calls back, again I say just leave me alone, we can work out a schedule for the kids but I don't want you in my life.

Ugh! I actually took my rings off for the first time. I don't want someone like this in my life, esp someone who professes to care about me then deliberately goes behind my back like this. He had said when he moved back this summer that I had changed in every area that upset him and he could see what a different person I am. I do feel that way, too. Then, tonight, he called up the old record of how he hasn't loved me for the past three years, and the real kicker- volunteered to go to Iraq to get away from me. I deserve better than this. I don't know where to go from here, and I'm frustrated b/c I felt some emotion from him the past few days. I guess that's gone now?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.