My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

[fisherman]

Hey fella,

I absolutely agree with SMP. Looks like fear of confrontation is causing you to allow her to over step some boundaries. Be calm, kind but firm. She will test you. Don't give ground and control yourself.

It's not ok for him to call your home phone. I would treat her like a business partner as far as the cell goes. Don't accomodate her to talk to OM by changing the plan. Do it in a firm way and if she starts to withdraw or spew at you. Drop the rope and remove yourself from it.

Great job at getting out and doing things for you and the kids. Keep it up!! Let her wonder where you are.

Show her you are doing Great without her. You are, and you will be alright no matter what. BE STRONG.

The picture thing is guilt. She feels it. Don't make the same mistake I did and add to it. That will cast you in a negative light and she will withdraw from you.

One day at a time and we will NOT give up today.

T

[SirPrizeMe]

Fake it til ya make it, baby.

[BSC]

I managed to go out last night and I am pretty sure it bothered her. I even did as I said and sent the text saying I would be home later because I was going out for a few drinks.

Then today we went out and grocery shopped as a family and she was nice but distant. Then of course this afternoon she started to withdraw. We got into an small discussion about how she wanted to take a nap in our bed. I told her earlier in the day I was going to. She actually said "so when you come up to take a nap, I have to go over to the other side of the house". I said then you can stay there but I will be joining you. She said well I don't want that. So I said your choice then.

This is unbelievable. I still am trying to keep myself in check when she does this. I caugth myself getting really mad and then sad (cried a little, not in front of her) because part of me of course wants her to want to take a nap with me like last saturday.

She has been in a foul mood ever since. She just took the kids for a walk thank god. Funny thing is she announced we were going for a walk. Then asks me if I am going like I wasn't invited. So I asker her if she wants me to go, she says my choice. So just as we are about to leave she gives me the "well are you going", I said "no thanks, have fun" and let them go.

I mean what was the point so we can walk and be mad and not talk. No thanks. I need to avoid those situations that get me more mad or cause more friction.

So I am making dinner, watching football and not worrying about her fog mood.

I really am trying to stay strong, but I don't know if I have it in me to stick it our for the long haul like many of you. My guess is after the new year, I will be done, but hopefully not.

Thanks all.

[Jeff3]

Hey BSC, I don't have any advice right now I still trying to figure my stuff out, but I have learned alot by reading your thread the others have some great comments Just wanted to say I am thinking about ya and hang in there.

Jeff

[fisherman]

Hey,

Your emotions are gonna swing for a while. Hang tough you'll get there. patience. Remeber Emotions + Decisions = usually not good.

Keep doing your thing if she's acting this way. Her emotions are swinging like yours, but in a diffrent way.

Gotta stay up beat and fun (it's sucks/it's hard) you can't show her anything negative she'll sense it. Watch your tone of voice, facial expressions, body language. Watch hers too.

What was BSC like when you first met her?? My sitch is a little diffrent cause she's gone now. I remember those days though. Don't give her the power to control your feelings. Your in the driver's seat there Bud.

Dig Deep!!! Detachment doesn't come overnight.

Anger is normal, your human. You can't show it at all to her. Anger is your tool. Harden up your heart a bit. It does not mean you don't love her, and your going to be a jerk to her, It means your not gonna let her problem consume you.

We will NOT QUIT!!! Your looking way to far ahead right now. New year?? NO, new day, tomorrow. Patience x 1000000.

STRONG like never before. You are never alone.

[fisherman]

You have it in you...

Letting go and detaching is THE key. Patience, it will come.

[SirPrizeMe]

I managed to go out last night and I am pretty sure it bothered her.
Not sure what to think about this. Seems like you are still doing things to get a reaction from her. Yes of course, the big reaction is you want her to think about her choices, but is your goal really to "bother her"? I mean, what if you just went out and had fun and it wasn't designed to bother her?

I mean what was the point so we can walk and be mad and not talk. No thanks. I need to avoid those situations that get me more mad or cause more friction.
Not going was probably the right thing. It occurs to me while reading what you wrote that it is a sort of awkward situation.. neither of you is quite sure what to do, and both of you are sort of annoyed that you are in this fix. In this case both of you need extra patience.

But the way you write it, it sounds like you feel like it is her doing, the immediate awkwardness is her fault. ok, tracing it back, it probably is. I mean, you are the one on the DB site, and she is not. The point is, though, that you're going to need lots more goodwill toward her than you are currently expressing, in order to navigate this shoals.

Patience and compassion. Have a good look at her, see if you can put yourself into her skin. What would it be like to be her? You say she has been thinking. Maybe she is in doubt. Maybe she feels guilt. Maybe she is feeling like she screwed up, but at the same time she is angry with you for a thousand little hurts. I'm just guessing here, to illustrate the point. You know her better of course. The point is she is probably troubled and burdened by the situation.

This kind of sentiment: I mean what was the point so we can walk and be mad and not talk. No thanks. I need to avoid those situations that get me more mad or cause more friction. ....seems a little impatient, not very accomodating. The sarcasm isn't helpful. It does not express goodwill.

Like I said, I think you made the right call by not going on the walk. But could you just say "the weather between us isn't right for it" instead of putting it all on her, and "her fog mood"? Could you just grant the both of you an equal measure of compassion and understanding and acceptance for what is surely a difficult, awkward situation for you both?

I think if you can do that, you will be better able to successfully get through these difficult times.

[BSC]

Thanks for the sentiment everyone. When she got back from her walk last night I was able to calm down and we did some fun crafts with the kids after dinner. She seemed to lighten up a little too.

THEN...out of the blue she tells me that she was looking at my browsing history on the computer and accused me of spying on her again. Which I didn't by the way. This caught me completely off guard. She was spying on me to see if I was spying on her. Rediculous!. So I tried to stay calm and told her I wasn't doing what she says. She specifically accussed me of checking her myspace page. I told her I don't have the passwords and I wasn't looking. Then she asks me why I was looking at myspace then(i wasn't) and sarcastically tells me that I probably have my own my space page. It was in a jealous way she said this, before this all started she once accused me of looking for girls on myspace. She has a jealous side. WTF. I don't have a myspace page but so what if I did. She does.

So I am not happy that I was visibly bothered by her cornering me like this. She new that I was bothered and little mad, but I shook it off and was able to act like I got over it quickly. Then she disappeared to her room and I never saw her again until this morning. She was not visibly angry this morning but a little distant.

I am just so at a loss right now. This is just another set back and a pretty big one. Me spying on her is what she says led her to the guest room anyways. I know now that I was pushing her away by the spying and snooping but I really have stopped that except for the cell phone minutes the other day. She puts a big emphasis on the spying. I guess this is the ebb and flow. I am really trying to act with compassion and understanding, but I miss her so much and I am so tired of the hurt. My parents and brother are coming this weekend and she is sleeping in our bed for 3 days. I probably wont sleep much having her there because I know she doesn't want to be. This all just sucks.

One minute I am pissed off and detatching, the next i am crying my eyes out. I really don't know if I have the strength to see this through or if I even want to.

You are right SPM that when I went out it was to have fun but I did want it to bother her a bit. I guess I kind of want that jealous side of her to come out and think about me with another woman. It is not productive probably, but I can't help it. The flip side is that I did get hit on when I was out and that helped my confidence a bit.

What a mess. I just want to close my eyes and wake up and be happy again.

[SirPrizeMe]

I just want to close my eyes and wake up and be happy again.
I know that feeling. It doesn't work that way, though.

It is pretty common to get accused of untrustworthy behavior by an untrustworthy spouse. I got it. lots of people get that.

My parents and brother are coming this weekend and she is sleeping in our bed for 3 days.
Maybe you should directly address this with her, before they arrive. like now. re-open it and say - is this weekend arrangement going to work? Why are we hiding it anyway? If we can't tell them we're having trouble, who can we tell? This happened when my wife's father came to stay with us. Instead of coming to the room, she just pretended to not be sleeping where she was. Hid her bedding. she was always the last one to bed and the first one up. it was so dumb. These are the people that could have helped us. She was hiding from them.

There is no shame in having trouble in your marriage and working through it. Everyone has trouble.

One minute I am pissed off and detatching, the next i am crying my eyes out. I really don't know if I have the strength to see this through or if I even want to.
I know the feeling. But the truth is, if you are pissed off you are decidedly not detached. Detachment is not "pissed off and not speaking to the other party."

Detachment means, in control of your emotions.
I know it's hard. What can ou learn from the situation?

When I played sports in school, if the team got beat, if we screwed up in the game, in the next week's practice, we'd work on the plays where we screwed up. We'd run them in practice except we'd do it the RIGHT way this time. Can you do this in your mind with the exchange over myspace etc. How would you have acted if you were the man you wanted to be? Play it over in your head. when she accused you of looking for girls, you would be a big enough man to say, "now why would I do that when I have what I want right here in this house?" you would be strong enough to empathize: "oh, you don't trust me. I see that. I wish you would. how can we get to a point where you trust me again?" or you would be strong enough to not engage. "No. I don't do myspace. (end of discussion)"

If you do it right in your head you may be in a better position for the next time. And yes, there will be a next time.

[fisherman]

BSC,

Have you ever been on the alternate universe? If you get there,you can find me.You know which one right. i F you B elieve you can find me. I'm TRAPT but I BELIEVE.

hope to see ya there.....