Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[Dash]

Well it wasn't a good day at all yesterday.

Actually parts of it were. It was toward the end of the day that I screwed up.

My W spent the entire day with my son and I. She said she had hoped to be able to fill out a job application online while he was with me, but I think that was probably code for talk to the OM.

At any rate, I tried to keep things light. We talked about sort of daily stuff. She took me to show me her new apartment. Told me about some jobs she had applied for and about a couple of interviews. Still didn't ask about my life though. When will I get it through my thick skull she doesn't care about me?

I was fine until I made the mistake of taking her to sign the lease on her new apartment. The finality of it all just hit me and I went into "let's talk about our future" mode.

I need some serious help with GAL. I need to find other things to concentrate on, but right now I still can't even concentrate at work. I still have a strong desire to run away from here and her, but I know that would also mean running away from my son.

She suggested that I move closer to them, so the drive wouldn't be so bad and I could see my son more often. The thing that scares me about that is I know I would want to see her everyday.

It was so painful listening to her make plans for the future and knowing that I'm not included in those plans.

I'm feeling sorry for myself I know. I need a concrete plan that I can stick to.

I hope my upcoming IC session on Thursday will help.

My W did talk briefly about our R, she said she wasn't ready to talk about it and that once we both go through IC we might find that we aren't able to love each other. And that she was scared she hadn't shown me all parts of her.

AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm losing it.