I think it is nice that he responded to your letter and said something nice but at the same time I can see that you are going back to "let's work things out no matter what" mentality and there is nothing really wrong with that but I am still very very concerned about the way he treats you and the things he says to you being abusive. I know you do not want to deal with that, who would, but I think you really need to. As Ali said, you always rush to defend him. Don't you understand that is the classic response to abuse? I guess the real question is, what do you consider abuse? Where do you personally draw the line?
I also think it would be good to know what your reaction is when your H says these terrible, mean things to you? Do you curse him out and scream, break down and cry, verbally lash out at him, or all of the above?
I am not trying to rain on your parade and I hope I am not irritating you by bringing this up but I honestly feel that you are so wrapped up in saving the marriage that you have not been taking a close look at whether or not it is worth saving in its current condition. You seem like a goal driven person with drive and ambition and I am worried that this has turned into a goal that you can reach. A project. I could be way off, it's just a feeling I have right now.
You keep saying you want your H and you to go to counseling and while I think it would be a really good idea I don't see him agreeing to it right now. But I honestly think you should set up some IC for yourself so you can work through some of this with a professional. I know that talking to Jody helps you a lot but she is a DB coach who is in the business of saving marriages. I just think it might help to talk to someone with no bias towards the relationship who you can sit down with and talk all this out with. The name calling ("nicknames" as you would put it), the verbal rants that he uses to put you down and pick at your relationship, etc.
I'm just really worried about you ITH. I hope this post does not sound mean or attacking. I care about you as a friend and as someone who has been there to help me through my struggles and I just want the best for you.
But I will respect your wishes and if you tell me to drop the issue I will do so in a heartbeat.
