On Saturday H called in and mentioned that he had been out the night before with another Woman. He had met her at sailing and she was in a similar position as him with spouse having A. she invited him to a rugby dinner. While there her and a group of friends organised a dinner at her place which H was going to.
I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I have been Dbing I thought quite well. I have been happy, available, not pressuring etc, I was seeing I thought baby steps but I guess in my imagination. Maybe my being so happy and available has seemed like more pressure on H.
I cant take any more bad news. To protect myself now I am going to have no contact at all. No visual, nothing. My poor kids were so upset but other than having a basket case for a mother, they to have felt him abandoning them . D18 tried to expalin her feelings. He got a little of the message and sent apologies to all kids regarding him not being present while i was so upset.
I feel now that I cannot proceed with this M. I know I am at rock bottom. I dont know the effect of no contact will do , but for me ,I have to turn this corner. It is probably what I needed to shock myself into this position.
I have to accept that he does not want to be married. I know i had the A but I learnt and changed from that, something H cannot see. I did all that I could.
I dont know why I am so upset again. In a small way it is not jealousy , I dont like him as he is, why would i want to be married to him. Why am I sitting here crying.
I will see him when I am stronger. I cannot do anymore to protect myself than this. I will see a councilor as soon as I can but my need has shifted. Perhaps this is what I was waiting for. I know I need to gAL , I have some ideas but you know what today I just cant do it. Today my entire energy goes to stopping myself ringing him and going to work. God knows if i will even be able to do that but I know in my heart of hearts that I have to.
I think i was dbing wrong. I was still sending ' the door is open' signals still. I was not presenting an emotionally independent person. i also have given him no time to miss me. I am always there. i found in the book the passage that the relationship is like a see saw. While one person is worrying about the M the other does not have to. He can continue to focus on leaving and his own feelings.
I dont want to pretend anymore that I am happy without him. I want to be happy without him. i am not the person that ever shuts the door on any one person. I ave no enemies, I forgive all. Even OMW has spent years trying to resume friendship. Bless her she does not know all though.
I am physically bent over in pain. Any guidance would be appreciated
