Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

Hi Jen,

Thanks so much for breaking your silence on this one occasion. In fact it is probably the time that I need advice the most, so much appreciated!

I did in fact send H another email today, one that let him know I would not stand in the way of him moving out, and that I don't need him to stay nights here if he doesn't want to, and that I don't have to have Christmas in Lisbon if he doesn't want to. I hope this was still OK, as it was intended to show me dropping the rope and not looking weak...

I may in fact try the LRT though for a few reasons it's somewhat of a challenge right now given the unstable living sitch and the shared finances. In any case I will not be reaching out again about anything unless it is a true emergency.

H says he is depressed now only because of the M, and nothing else. I know this is not true, but he can't see it...he says he will end up killing himself if he is forced to live with me. This is not normal, I know. I mean if things were just bad, he'd be unhappy and everything, but this is very extreme. It is not good for my self-esteem to say the least.

Truly I have never been as depressed as I am today. I am going to do my very best to try and focus on myself etc., but again I'm in this foreign country and have pretty much lost the only good friend I have here because he is too scared to spend real time with me. I am going to take a couple of days off of work I think, and the side benefit of this is that it allows me not to be on IM since I won't need to be signed in for work.

Thanks for checking in. I really am trying to feel a little more positive. Maybe soon I will be able to come from more of a position of strength...

ITH