Surrendering to hope

[Jen_Jam]

OK, I know I said I was taking a brak and I have done so .... but I would like to cut in here as I have a suggestion which may help .... ITH read it and see what you think ... others what do yous think too?

IMO I see a lot of you telling your H things. A lot of contact by email/IM about plans, the future, what will happen etc etc. I know it's not ALL like that and you have made the superhuman effort required and you know I think you are doing a grand job.

BUT

What do you think to employing the LRT here? (As described in the DR book). Your H seems determined to hang on to the fact he isn't getting the space he wants, despite you giving it to him he is still feeling low and you are nice and near to lash out to. You keep giving him sympathy too. I would suggest stopping that. If he feels like his life is a pile of poop then it's up to him to sort it out and stop putting the blame for that on your shoulders. I would suggest trying to develop the attitude that if he is going to leave you then he's a fool who will be missing out on one of the best tthings to ever happen to him. (which is what I think ).

I was recently speaking to a friend of mine about another mutual friend who got a D from her H. This friend now feels she made the wrong decision, that she was depressed at the time (and still is) and that the D was far too easy to get. She wishes someone or something had stepped in to stop her making what she now feels is a mistake.

You've already said, and your H has said, that he doesn't feel right. His focus should be purely on getting himself better, but he seems to feel a D will be part of that. he could be so, so wrong. If i could speak to your H I would advise him to get himself feeling better first, then if he decides he does want a D then OK, fine. But to get a D now could heap evern more misery onto himself.

But I can't speak to your H. You've stated very clearly you don't want to D, he has stated very vaguely he wants to. Mine did too. I told him to think VERY carefully about it, that if he did decide he wanted a D I would agree to it (OK, I lied, I'd have made it very difficult for him) BUT he had to make sure it was what he REALLY wanted because he was throwing away a LOT.

It also seems to me you are taking a lot of your cues and basing a lot of your decisions on what H wants. it's very kind of you, of course, but I would suggest a new course of action in doing what YOU want to do and pretty much ignoring H when you can. I know he IM's you a lot ... does he get upset if you ignore him? I know you've been keeping the IM's very light too (well done!) but is there a way you can hide more from him?

You're right about letting go control ... detaching is very difficult but it is NOT impossible. What I did was imagine my H sitting in a wet nappy. There was NO WAY I was going to go near him or change his nappy AT ALL so I left him to it. I built up a lot of respect for myself. Yes I contributed to our M problems and I fixed/changed what was in my power to change. I had carried out my part of the bargain, I had nothing left to give H (I even said that to him one night on one of my darker, more frustrated days). Other times I would view H as a stroppy teenager and again pretty much ignore him. I would never be rude to him, but I had the attitude of "I don't really care what you say and do, I'm one DAMN FINE woman and if you can't see that well that's your loss".

Phew! - how does all that sound?