You dont know that you wont get an answer. You dont have to just do it for yourself..yes you make the decision in your heart to move on, but theres no reason why you cant and shouldnt expect to have ONE honest conversaton with the man you married! C'mon girl, I think you deserve that!
My C said.. people dont like endings, they find it hard to take responsibility for it or saying the words. So.. if you do the brave thing and ask for, or speak a little bit of truth to him, take that step toward him, he may well take a little step toward you and answer honestly. You could always tell him the door is open, but you respect his decision to go do this now? That is the beyond the beyond the LRT?
The other option is to do nothing.. stop texting/being nice and get on with your own life.. like MichelleLT (have you read her posts?). She began dating, her H was no longer in touch, the D was proceeding, she didnt even know where he lived.. then out of the blue, he emailed her saying he realised she was the best thing that ever happened to him, and they are now talking. So yes, it can happen. He must have once loved you very much to walk down the aisle with your Julia, but maybe he has changed?
You are ace though, this isnt your fault and none of us deserve it. You think things will stay the same, especially when you are happy and content..but seems alot of us had the rug pulled out from under us. You are getting on with things though, jobs, holidays, hobbies..so you should be proud of yourself.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Welcome back. I'll give more of a response later, but am just wondering, you didn't say he was moving in with this girl did you? My perception from your post is only that it seems as though they are together?
I do agree with Ali that if you are at the point where you want to move on, it would be worth having a frank conversation...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'm afraid I'm going to disagree with the idea of asking him about his feelings/where he stands/what his views are. IMHO, your H is in a life transition (and I know there's an element of that from the conversations we've had). Asking him things is going to increase his guilt and the bad feelings he associates with the M/R. He's running from something he perceives has been painful, so feeling bad during a conversation with him isn't going to help things. I've never read a situation where an R talk initiated by the LBS caused a turnaround. Maybe I missed them, but if they're there, there aren't many!
In the end, you have to decide where to draw the line, and what he says shouldn't influence that. You know that already. I'm just not sure that anything he might or might not say (and I think he'd veer towards *not* saying anything) would help you to move on. Hearing him say he's seeing someone else might make you do that more quickly, but if that's the case, why not just move on anyway? Detach, live life as if he isn't coming back, and then see what happens. That's usually when the WAS turns back towards the M. I don't see it as a bad thing to have not been in a lot of contact either. men are like rubber bands- they need time away. In some cases where there's been success there's been >6months with no contact.
On the other hand, I'm not against you telling him you're moving on. I just wouldn't expect him to have much to say about it!
I have been thinking about what you have all said and I have to say that I do know asking him won't work. He will feel backed into a corner and that is one of the reasons he left and the only reason for the second bomb back in May. To be honest I don't really need, for myself, to have the conversation. I already 'know' and hearing him say the words would only cause me pain and I know the situation would degenerate and I would probably lose a lot of dignity and he would just feel guilty. Also, it wouldn't be a last conversation as we still need to divorce, get the house sold if that is what things come down to. I can honestly say as well that he would not be totally honest with me and I would find it hard to believe him anyway now. He thinks he isn't lying to me, well I suppose technically he is not, he is just not telling me. I suppose to him there is some kind if differentiation.
This does change things a lot for me and I am going to have to do some serious thinking about what to do next. This, for me, does affect my DBing. I'm feeling a lot of hurt at the moment and although I am not in bits and able to get on with things I have got a lot of sadness in my heart.
I'm still not sure what to do, some more thinking I suppose. At some point soon he will probably have to tell me he has moved out of the flat. It could be quite interesting to see how long this takes... as T said a while ago, let the WAS unravel their lives.
ITH - I know that he has moved in with this girl. I don't know for sure whether it is flat mates or something more. I am trying not to assume as there is no specific evidence either way.
I'm sorry that you are in pain. It sucks doesnt it, its hard to find things out indirectly too and then have unanswered questions.
I wanted to clarify what I meant, as you and Lisa didnt agree.. I didnt mean to have a conversation with him in terms of getting the WAS to come back to the LBS, or turn the sitch around, or as you say, it would "work". What I was talking about was acceptance and yes, dignity. To stand and face the person that left you for an ow. Its not a DBing thing, its not a, see if we can turn this around thing, its a confronting the truth thing.
And no, I wouldnt advocate making them guilty, or getting mad, or being undignified! But, as you say, you dont feel the need to have that conversation or say 'goodbye' to him, as I do with my ex, so then theres no need to ask to see him.
Like you, we will have to other conversations too, abotu money and houses, but they are practical things, not emotional and I am concerned (for myself) that if too much time goes by, it will all be water under the bridge and my ex will be less likely to want to meet so that I can emotionally say goodbye to him, it will become less and less relevant, the more weeks/months that he spends with his new gf.
Sometimes you have to admit defeat, IMO. If they turn round and pop up out of the blue (like MichelleLTs H did) then, wow, that would be great. Kalni said it, often, its not until you actually let go and move on proper that the WAS comes to their senses! I guess I feel in the same boat as you.. I got no romantic overtures all year and he has made his choice public too, so I have to accept and respect his decision.
I dont really see what choice we have left Julia? But I am thinking of you today,
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
That's horrible, finding out that they're living together in whatever capacity. Ick.
I wish I had something eloquent to say that would help but I'm somewhat lost for words. I guess I'd say that if they spend lots of time together it's going to bring things to their demise more quickly, especially considering some of H's background stuff. *sigh*, not that it's any consolation or help in getting over the general horrible-ness of it.
Have you got any sessions with Jody planned? I wonder what she'd suggest. I also would say that in DR MWD does say that with the MLCer the only thing you can really do is let them get on with it and focus on yourself while they try to sort themselves out and realise they need to look to themselves. I think if you still want to DB it's worth keeping a line of communication open with him, but I know it's hard to think of when you're hurting.
Let me know if you fancy a drink or three this week.
wait... what?? he's living with OW? did I miss something? that totally sucks balls. I thought he was still living with his parents??? I am sending you ginormous hugs right now.
I had a discussion with a rl friend last night similar to the discussion going on on your thread right now, trying to explain why having a "what is going on here with us?" conversation would not be productive... I know in my sitch I can't expect any answers from him until he brings them to me of his own volition. All I can do is try to help him feel safe to come to me for any reason, and continue to try to live a joyful life. (albeit perhaps massively introspective at the moment).
thinking of you, wish I could join the choir and sing by your side, T
T, it has come out of nowhere really. I haven't really had any clue about his life for the past year and while he has been voicing the house sale stuff for a while because he wanted to move out of his parents flat this is an unexpected turn. Quite brazen in a way. I'm not quite sure how he can be funding it really because he is still paying for half of this house which is a fairly substantial portion of his salary. I can only assume his parents are giving him some money which is their answer to everything. I don't know really, the whole thing is so very bizarre. I don't get it at all. I mean one of the main reasons for leaving was that he felt trapped/ settled down too young/ wanted freedom etc etc. Now he's putting himself in that position again? This all makes me wonder whether they are flatmates or something more. Who knows, and I am not sure if I really want to know.
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I know in my sitch I can't expect any answers from him until he brings them to me of his own volition. All I can do is try to help him feel safe to come to me for any reason, and continue to try to live a joyful life. (albeit perhaps massively introspective at the moment).
I think perhaps this is all I can do. I am feeling pretty detached at the moment. If I compare my reactions/ emotions to a few months ago I think I have really gone through a period of detachment lately.
Lisa, i think perhaps I may schedule a session with Jody as this is an unexpected twist to things. My funds won't like it after my holiday but I think it'll probably be worth it.
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I also would say that in DR MWD does say that with the MLCer the only thing you can really do is let them get on with it and focus on yourself while they try to sort themselves out and realise they need to look to themselves. I think if you still want to DB it's worth keeping a line of communication open with him, but I know it's hard to think of when you're hurting.
This is the thing isn't it. It is just gathering the energy and keeping up the momentum and will to carry on.
ITH sent me details of something that really helped me, so I will post it on FB. Anything that helps hey. Its all a matter of perspective.
I agree with Lisa and T, no, it wont be a bring them back convo. For me, its more of a dobsons letter type thing (that I never got to writing!) where in some peoples sitches here, they get to that point that they do let go, wish their ex well, acknowledge their part in it (so not just the WAS fault for running off with an OW) and let them know the door is still open...
In the meantime, liek Lisa says, you let them go on with their journey and you get on with yours.
I suppose, thats what I was trying to comminicate here (badly!) but I am not sure I am brave enough to do that when I see him, if I see him! (he didnt reply to my text message).
For you, I'm so sorry that it looks like he has gone and done what he said he didnt want. I agree, that would be surprising for a guy just out of a M, so yes, maybe its flatmates..
I also agree that yuo should keep lines of communication open, but perhaps not initiate any just yet?
I'm in the same place as you right now (but alot less detached!) and I am also staring at that cliff, poised to let go...
It does "suck balls" as T so eloquently put thugh! Thinking of yuo, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'll look out for it on FB. I'm reading the Dobson book at the moment so that could be interesting. I think perhaps getting a little tougher maybe something to try. I'm thinking about setting some boundaries, like when I said I would discuss the house stuff after I'd been on holiday. However, considering the amount of contact we have it'll be quite hard. i'm not going to initate any contact yet, I'm still 'on holiday'! Plus work is going to be mega stressful next week.
Thanks for all your support Al, especially when you are having a tough day. It means alot xx
