Unconditional Love 3 (mmf)

[missmyfriend]

Imageer: MMF, I understand your dilemma. I struggle with it too. However, I have found that my need to move on and my need to stand cycle as much as our Ws. I have always decided to do nothing.
MMF: This is a very good point. I have had various cycles of feeling good about standing and then feeling convinced that I should "move on". I don't want to be a victim of my cycles, if that makes sense.

Imgaeer: I suppose if some great woman came around, I would have to give it some serious thought and may actually go on a date with her to see how it felt. However, that hasn't happened yet and I don't actively look. I also feel that as much as I'm lonely and miss that part of my life, I am not ready yet. I am not over my W. I think this also applies to you. If we are not over our Ws what could we offer someone else? Although, there is an argument that entering a new R at this point will help us to move on. I'm not sure if that is true or even right though.
MMF: I think this is part of where my challenge has come up. A really great woman came into my life many months ago but my marriage status was something neither of us were willing to overlook. Being legally married was a great means to stand with justification. Now it is more challenging because we are no longer legally married.

I admit I am not over my W. After more than two years, I still love her deeply. At times, I have prayed that God would remove that from my heart. This prayer has obviously not been answered.

As far as a new R helping us to move on, my concern is that it doesn't. It is a band-aid covering up emotional wounds that are gaping. There is no treating of the emotional wounds but using another person to try to hide the hurt that exists. If something doesn't go well, which happens in most cases, the pain felt is extremely strong and, if really honest, is really from the original wound (our original spouse). Plus I am afraid I may hurt a wonderful and kind person in this new R. I don't want to use someone else to help me get over my W.

Imageer: Quite a while ago, I set in my mind that 3 years would be a good amount of time to stand. (making the story your told above ironic) In looking at the restorations that have occurred here, it looks like most of them have occurred in less than 3 years. Also, at that point, I figure I have to really consider my needs and wants in my life. Currently, I am a little less that 2 years in to this.

I haven't said, but I took my ring off a while back after I signed the SA. It didn't feel right wearing it. I guess I felt that at a year and a half in to this, people were looking at me like I was in denial and I didn't feel like explaining the situation anymore. Sadly, most people looked at me like I had 2 heads. Maybe there was an element of opening myself up to having someone come along. I'm not sure. It just didn't feel right.
MMF: I have had the same exact feelings. I don't want my W to see me wearing it. I only felt like it was important to my children and to have a sign of what I was doing for myself. At this point, people have really considered me as having 2 heads, lol. I haven't fully decided to wear or not wear it but I will remove it if my W is around.

Imageer: I still believe that there is a lot of guilt and a lot of uncertainty in your W. I think these observations you have and the way she interacts with you point to that. I think the D was a way to try to end her pain. In my opinion, you may be divorced now but your marriage is not over.
MMF: You may be right, Imageer. Do you think there is also something more than guilt motivating her? When she says a lot of these things, it is more directing with a show of force (not harsh) than apologetic. Hers seems more disappointed in me for not fixing up the house (removing the wallpaper, painting, carpeting, etc).

Imageer, thank you. I really needed to hear someone else's pov on this and considering our similar situations, we are almost walking in each others shoes.