I said something to her tonight that just kind of came out in an unexpected way...I had taken S2 to a Halloween Party at the studio - and just had a wonderful time with him. It was a family affair - and so the single dad with the baby boy seemed to stand out among the other couples with young kids...anyway...that made me miss her company a lot - since we always had a wonderful time in the company of others...I missed her - but it didn't make me fall apart - it kind of felt like I did when I missed the feeling of being out in the woods - in the quiet - under the stars...and at peace...So it was a longing -but not an agony...and it surprised me to feel so calm and to enjoy the time with baby so much even without her there...and I had this sense of pride fill me - along with the feeling that, yes, this beautiful child is mine, and, yes, I am his father...
It was a wonderful, elating feeling - and it empowered me through the night...so much so that when I got the house - I turned to my wife and said, "I love you. I want you to know that. I respect you're decision, and I understand that just because it is painful, does not mean it is wrong. But I just want you to know that beyond all the pain I have felt, at the deepest core of my soul, I know that I love you and I wish the best for you." Those may not have been the exact words - but the essential words were there - love, wish for the best, respect...of course she responded with anger and resentment - but that was okay...I wasn't saying I love you for her to hear it - I saying it because it was honest and true...and it made me feel calm as I left the house tonight...like that love for her truly was helping me to let her go.
I feel calm right now - not in a state of delusion or anything. Just calm - perhaps my body is just preparing itself for the pain I'll feel tomorrow...but I read through a lot of what I had posted over the last few months - and I could see that it was getting bad - and scary - and that she was not willing or able to make the effort to work on us...I don't know that she'll ever be able or ready to fight for our marriage...but that's up to her now...I know what I'm willing to do...and I know that taking today for me - as I did today - was revealing and amazing in many ways...I reached out to some contacts, made some cold calls and cold emails...and started working on connecting with people - which is the biggest of 180s I could ever do...but...and here's the rub...it's not a 180 done for her...it's one I am doing for me...to be stronger, happier and a better father. That's what it all comes down to - my kids....what I do in my life is for them...and I am seeing just how much taking care of myself (inside and out) prepares me to take care of them...
So...that's the positive mindset going into the night...hopefully I'll be able to pull some of this mindset with me into the weekend...I'm sure it will be hard...but I also know that I can rise above my pain and make sure to have a wonderful weekend with my S11.
She's moving out this morning...I had to fight the impulse to go over to the house this AM and tell her that I didn't want her to leave - didn't want her to make this move...and I managed to do it...instead I just went by the house, let her know I was on my way, and even picked up the pastries she had asked me to pick up for the friends who will be helping her move...
Once I got home...I tried not to talk with her...though I did slip some...just to tell her that I care about her, and told her that I was sorry that we arrived at this point - and that it's never what I would have wanted. I once again mentioned that I wanted what was best for her and that I understand that this move is necessary for her - just tried to validate anything she said...didn't try to talk about me or my needs - just let it be about her - I know she's in a lot of pain - and she has a game face on to get through the day...
As for me - I'm sad...still have that hole in my chest - but I don't feel the kind of overwhelming misery that I expected...that will probably come later...if it comes...I don't know...Right now I'm just going to focus on getting through the day in as healthy a way as possible.
There are severe thunderstorms up near where my S11 lives with his mom...may mean that his soccer game is canceled - at it may also mean that I won't see him until tomorrow...which kind of frightens me a bit...since I really don't know if I'm ready for the first night at home alone just yet...maybe I'll ask my friends if I can stay at their place again tonight...we'll see.
Please keep reminding me that I'll be okay - that I'll get through this - that this change, no matter what the eventual outcome, is for the best - and probably necessary right now...
Carlos The first night will be tough, but you will get through this. You are a true fighter.....!!! It doesn't matter who win the fight because you are giving it all you got for a good hard fight. You can do this... We are all pulling for you...
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
NW and Purple - Thanks for your support. I appreciate your help so very much.
Today was a mix of pain and joy...my S11's game wasn't canceled after all - and so I got a chance to spend the entire day with both of my boys (and my son's team won their soccer game 4-0).
The morning started off oddly...in that, as I called my W to let her know I was coming by the house to get baby, she asked me to swing by and pick up some pastries for her...from our favorite bakery...it wasn't far out of my way...so I figured, sure, why not, why not make her day a bit easier since I was certain it would be a tough one.
So I got her the pastries - and then later in the morning, as she had requested during the week, I dropped her off at the truck rental place on my way to see my S11's soccer game. I was already running late when I dropped her off (waiting for her) and she knew this...but ten minutes after I dropped her off - as I was already far up the highway - she called to tell me that she had left her driver's license back at home...normally - as in always in our relationship - I would do whatever I could to help her out of a jam...but this time I just could not -- once she stepped out of the car at the truck rental building - I said to myself...that's it, she's on her own...she has to take care of herself now...so when she called, I asked if she could call one of the friends that was going to help her this morning, or a taxi...and she hung up on me...which wasn't unexpected.
Anyway - I left, watched my S11's game, played with both my boys, spent the afternoon with some close friends, went to a Dia De Los Muertos festival in the city - and then took the boys out for ice cream - all as part of staying out of the house long enough for my W to move out...I did have to swing by after my S11's game to pick up some dry clothes for him (he showered at my friend's house) - and that pissed her off a lot - as she snipped at me that she resented it that I hadn't prepared more for today...I simply apologized and went on my way...
The boys and I got back home around 5.30pm - rearranged the house - turned the living room into the kind of cozy space I had always wanted it to be - wow...what a difference - really love it here right now - and then we watched a movie together and played while eating pizza.
After the movie, we used the extra space in the house to play some soccer - and had a wonderful time since there really wasn't anything fragile around...and the boys just had a blast...Finally, my W came by to pick up the baby around 8.30pm - and used her key to let herself in....which bugged me a lot...and I asked her to please knock next time...which bugged her...but the truth is...if we're apart, we're apart, I can't live with this in-between illusion.
Baby cried a lot when they left - since we were having a wonderful time together when she came in and took him to her new place - I felt bad for her - as I knew she was tired - and she probably was hoping that baby would just be thrilled to leave with her - and I'm sure that she's in a lot of pain tonight...as I could see it in her eyes...
S11 and I are having a slumber party in the living room - and we're going to stay up late eating Halloween candy and watching Lord of the Rings...he wants to watch all three...I think I'll cap it at the first and save the others maybe for tomorrow (well, just one of the other two).
I had moments of real sadness today - fell apart as we left the Dia de los Muertos festival...but am feeling much better right now. Rearranging the living room did wonders for my spirit - as it just added some balance to a part of the house that had always felt imbalanced - when we were done my S11 commented that now we have to bring this kind of comfort to every part of the house...interesting...he seems so very relieved that it's just us - either to the of us or the three of us in the home...
Tomorrow we're going to keep making this a more comfortable home...and I plan on doing everything I can to make it an active, fun day for us...at least until movie time comes in the evening.
I promised him we would go out for sushi again tomorrow...such a funny kid. I often feel like my soul glows when I'm with my sons.
I know that I'll still have more pain to let lose - especially on Monday after I drop my S11 off at school...good thing I have a session with my T scheduled for that afternoon...I have a feeling I'll need it.
One thing I realized - and this was a big one for me - is that part of the reason for that hole in my chest was fear. I had that same painful hole in my chest the first time I had to live abroad by myself...I was 19 - a complete stranger to Paris - and my first few weeks there were spent in a kind of sad stupor - afraid of how to get through this strange city, concerned about where to buy bread, how to find an apartment...and I realized today that this pain in my chest, this hole, also has a lot to do with my fear of this dramatic change...since I am now going to have to wake up from my comfort zone and work harder than I ever have before in my life - and by work I mean that stuff that pays and also the stuff that brings the real rewards...work at being a better man.
I'm pushing through that fear...and I will not have it overcome me...if ever my W comes around to wanting to work on our M...I will be prepared to do so as a better, more centered, more fulfilled person.
Time for the next movie...maybe...it's later than I expected...maybe it's time for me to get the boy to go to sleep....
I will mention you by name in my prayers at mass this morning. I understand the hurt, pain, tears, and oh yes the fear. I spend some days feeling like I have a hard time catching my breath.
You will do well with your boys. You are a good soul, even if she can't see it and never wavers.
With love to you and the little ones, have a good day today.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Carlos, You did great. Fear is normal, recognising it and thinking thru it is a great coping skill. I prayed for you at mass last night and I prayed for your wife and kids. I think the opposite of love is fear so trying to send some love your way to displace the fear. You can handle it. Cheers ps You need to make a real wishing tree. That's a great idea that could spread.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Wife and Coach, Thank you so much for keeping me and my family in your prayers. It's been years since I've prayed myself...and I am finding just how much I have missed the spiritual calm of being humble before a knowledge we cannot understand.
I love the idea of making a real wishing tree- and think I might start today with my son...there are some nice trees in our front yard that could use the magic of some wishes.
As for the fear...it took me a long time to acknowledge it as such - I just kept seeing it as sadness - as sorrow - as the pain of losing my W...and the breakup of our family. Now I understand more of where that fear came from - and, remarkably enough, I can make more sense of how that fear has been in me for many years - and how much that fear has held me back from many aspirations.
I miss my wife a lot today - wish she were here for the Sunday morning pancakes that I've made for the family for years...but she's got to settle into her space (literally and figuratively) and so I don't begrudge her her decision.
....... My son woke up very early this morning...around 6am b/c of the time change - and asked to watch The Return of the King....and, well, let me just say that watching Lord of the Rings with a broken heart is just more than a bit revealing...since it becomes so very obvious how much of it is really a love story...The ring, the one ring to rule them all...isn't that such much like the love we all aspire to, hope for, build into fantasy in our minds...and then isn't part of the problem the ways in which our fantasy then takes hold of us, holds us, controls us...makes us forget that we're the ones that carry the ring...and eventually we get to the point where we have to free ourselves from the hold of the ring in order to be ourselves again...and then we hear our friends stand behind us, yelling, "what are you waiting for? Let it go?" And suddenly we're like Frodo standing above the molten lava, resisting the necessity of letting it go - fighting it...wanting to hold onto the power of that fantasy so intensely that we completely lose sight of how much it has controlled us...and that's when it might hit us...the fantasy isn't love...love must come from ourselves...our real selves...and offered to another from our real selves...a self that isn't confused by fantasy, rather self that's grounded in a reality that can remain healthy and strong - and which does not have to sacrifice itself for another...
It was good to recognize my fear for what it was - and, as painful as it was, I know that it was a fear that has kept me from taking some necessary chances for myself over the years...that wasn't my W's fault - I settled for things over the last few years that I never should have settled for (I'm talking about myself here...not my wife or our marriage)...and knowing that should make me stronger, more able to learn what it means to be a great man (with a big nod to Coach there).
I will mourn again later today - I know that for certain - I feel the sorrow inside - but I also know that eventually the balance will shift between sorrow and hope - and someday into the future (near future, I hope) my hopes will outweigh my sorrows...and I will go an entire day without crying.
Carlos, your thread title describes exactly how I feel right now. You are not alone. Our pain is from different things, but it's pain. I could hardly read your description of Frodo & the lava and the ring. I fight within myself everyday to let go of the ring. I know it will destroy me to hold onto it, but I want it so desperately. It's all I've ever wanted. Yet, it's all an illusion. My fear is that it doesn't exist anywhere within me. My fear is that it was destroyed when I was a small girl.
My words to you are to take faith & have hope in the fact that you already know it is within you. You do know one day it will all be better. Not the same, but better.
I love hearing about you moving the furniture around the way you wanted, & playing soccer. What a great way to symbolize some new found freedom.
You're doing great in a horribly difficult situation.
You should be proud of yourself, for the man you are & the one you want to become. You're a good role model to your children.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi JC...just popping in. Had a bad day yesterday. Big blow up with h seemingly over the (poor) state of the house and garden and he is sick as well. Was an hour late to my course because of it.
I hate this sh*t. How do you make up with someone whne I don't see what I've done wrong *this* time?
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
