Single parenting and dating again.....

[~Sol]

Hey Wii,

I like that nickname of your nickname btw! Don't know why I didn't think of it before ~ maybe I'm too serious and don't get out and play enough? LOL

Man, you are absolutely riiiiight! This R is way undefined! I let her kinda just string me along, and I am frustrated when I try to see it as something more than what it is (no pun here - lol) Wow, after reading what you said - all me and her are are just texting friends!!! THAT hit me like a ton of bricks! I'm hitting the brakes on this one, and just letting it go. She can text, IM, or even call if she wants - I'll be just one more out of state Joe that she has in her phone buddies lists. (ugh) But still, it's fun when you come to think about it.

Just to recap, I hope you can tell me what my gut is telling me from the get-go.
1. She's been divorced 3 times. Yep, 3.
2. 2 kids from 1st marriage, 1 kid with ADHD from second.
3. 3rd guy from 3rd marriage was best friend type guy, gave her an std. (she told me before I visited her, we didn't take it far thank goodness!)
4. She's self-employed and has a chaotic daily schedule. So doesn't fit with me even if she lived in same city.
5. She's not in same city, but 8 hours drive away.

So yeah, this is a complication I don't need! The std kinda opened up my eyes to the reality of dating. Even if I find the right person - and we have a long R together, I would have to take the risk to catch whatever she has just for a chance at real love. And I would hate if it didn't work out, but dating is risk altogether anyway. Just getting back into dating itself is a complicated and stressful thing, but I'm a lot wiser now, accept that I am not "mr perfect" - and I'm not going to find "ms perfect" either because there is no such thing. There is a "ms right" out there, and will be imperfect just like me.

So anyway, time to get my head out of the clouds eh? I don't like getting a cold, that's why I'm up at 3-something in the morning typing this! LOL.

[braveheart]

Hey Wii,

I like that nickname of your nickname btw! Don't know why I didn't think of it before ~ maybe I'm too serious and don't get out and play enough? LOL

Man, you are absolutely riiiiight! This R is way undefined! I let her kinda just string me along, and I am frustrated when I try to see it as something more than what it is (no pun here - lol) Wow, after reading what you said - all me and her are are just texting friends!!! THAT hit me like a ton of bricks! I'm hitting the brakes on this one, and just letting it go. She can text, IM, or even call if she wants - I'll be just one more out of state Joe that she has in her phone buddies lists. (ugh) But still, it's fun when you come to think about it.

Just to recap, I hope you can tell me what my gut is telling me from the get-go.
1. She's been divorced 3 times. Yep, 3.
2. 2 kids from 1st marriage, 1 kid with ADHD from second.
3. 3rd guy from 3rd marriage was best friend type guy, gave her an std. (she told me before I visited her, we didn't take it far thank goodness!)
4. She's self-employed and has a chaotic daily schedule. So doesn't fit with me even if she lived in same city.
5. She's not in same city, but 8 hours drive away.

So yeah, this is a complication I don't need! The std kinda opened up my eyes to the reality of dating. Even if I find the right person - and we have a long R together, I would have to take the risk to catch whatever she has just for a chance at real love. And I would hate if it didn't work out, but dating is risk altogether anyway. Just getting back into dating itself is a complicated and stressful thing, but I'm a lot wiser now, accept that I am not "mr perfect" - and I'm not going to find "ms perfect" either because there is no such thing. There is a "ms right" out there, and will be imperfect just like me.

So anyway, time to get my head out of the clouds eh? I don't like getting a cold, that's why I'm up at 3-something in the morning typing this! LOL.

SOL, Brother, take my advice please, run like hell from this person! I don't mean to make you mad, but take a strong look at this.

[lovelyolive]

That's just what I was thinking, bh. That woman has been through WAAAAY too many men to be potential long-term relationship material. If she's had that many marriages, just think how many "boyfriends" she's had!

[~Sol]

SOL, Brother, take my advice please, run like hell from this person! I don't mean to make you mad, but take a strong look at this.

Oh, I'm not mad at all.....I'm looking hard.

Don't worry, I'm staying away from her the more I look at this. Oh, and she's told me about most of boyfriends also. Future looks really bleak with this gal, and I'm more frustrated with her than anything, even if she carries herself like a normal person. But her past is what is making me turn away, which has been my gut feeling when we started to communicate more.

I shoulda listened to my gut with my ex the first time!!!!

[whatisis]

Sol, what I've learned in my brief experiences with women since my separation is that when you get weird vibes, mixed messages or you feel that your needs aren't being met (e.g. the need to define the R) then disengage! If I too had listened to my gut rather than listened to that part of me that always wants to give people chances I'd have saved myself some pain. The good thing is that we DO recognize these indications, which means we aren't complete mental midgets, but how we choose to respond can create the difficulties. I know if I had of looked at the sitch with my Coffee Buddy and accepted how unlikely it was that my needs could be met in that sitch I would have walked and probably saved both of us some emotional pain. So, if you can recognize the bad stuff that is most likely coming and choose to avoid it, kudos to ya! When we are hurting we tend to make allowances for people's behaviour, pasts and/or situations etc that we probably shouldn't and we end up getting hurt at times we are way too vulnerable to take that kind of chance. This, of course, doesn't make her a bad person but just someone who isn't right for you.

[~Sol]

I know she's not a bad person, I've seen her around with her kids, but she hasn't made the right kind of choices in her life, obviously. From what I have learned, it's a good experience for me to get out of my shell and go out, date a little, but I am always evaluating the other person more than I used to. I guess we become more aware and more cautious of a potential partner. But I know she's not right for me, and I know what kind of woman I really need (or so I like to think).

Since we never really "hooked up", I can still just leave it as friends - which is the smart thing to do. I'm feeling good about this, and today I don't even feel like calling her. Probably not for a few days. She's all over the map (literally) so I know she's the type that won't be able to meet my needs. I need someone stable that's gonna be in the same zip code as me and not venture off every other week to some different state! Heck, I was even struggling in my M when ex worked nights and we didn't have a life! (She's still working nights btw). So I do desire a stable family life, someone to hang out with on the weekends, make family time, and have lots in common. This gal ain't gonna provide none of these things.

My cold is half-way over - I want it to go away now though!!!

[~Sol]

The day after Halloween. My D and I had a good time at the mall trick or treating. She was happy just to get out and do it, which was good enough for me. I like seeing her happy, and I try to be a better dad by taking care of her needs, and just let her be a kid. I just wish that the ex can communicate a little better with me over scheduling times with our D, if I had solid plans to go out I would simply let my ex know that that's what I was going to do and she would have to adapt. Luckily my plans weren't solid last night, and I wanted to spend time with my D trick or treating. But one day I will be making time for a future Ms. Right and I would need to be firm with my ex, and now's a good time as any to start.

Well, my D feels very different towards her mother compared to me. Today her mom called her 3 different times to ask D if she wanted to visit with her (we're flexible in our custody agreement). My D reluctantly said "no" to her mom's requests to visit her, and added she "wanted to stay with daddy today." Hmm, interesting. I'm so glad my daughter is 9, and that my ex doesn't force the visitation issue but lets our daughter decide who she wants to spend time with. The majority of the time she wants to spend is with me, and a lot has to do with our parenting styles. I'm more patient than my ex is, I don't yell or swear at my D, I tutor my D when she needs homework help, and my D listens to me more than she listens to her mom. So today I have her, and even though I feel sick and miserable due to this cold, I'm providing for my baby's needs and being happy about it.

I ate one of her candies, a snickers bar, and I enjoyed it!!! D noticed!

[whatisis]

Sol, my concern re the flexible visitation is that it puts way too much pressure on your 9 year old D to make these decisions. When she says no to mom she feels bad. I question not having a fairly firm schedule in place because your D needs security right now and routine is security. In my case, I have the kids one week and during that week STBX takes the kids one set evening and the next week she has the kids and I take them one set evening during that week. Of course, when things come up we co-operate and come up with alternatives but the schedule stays the same most of the time. At some point or other your STBX is gonna raise a fuss about D not wanting to visit. I'd get a firm schedule in place in consultation with STBX and with input from your D. It makes life simpler, much more predictable and takes the stress and power of decision making away from a 9 year old who shouldn't have it in the first place.
Secondly, be very careful about keeping track of how much time you spend with D versus STBX. If a court case ever ensues and you are not taking the child at least 40% of the time you can get hit with some hefty child support! My lawyer stressed that with me. It's also pretty darn rare for the man to get the child on an equal time basis so if you are getting that count your lucky stars! STBX may at some point figure out there is money to be made in having the child more often. If you can, get it all in writing with the assistance of a lawyer. I refused to leave my home until I had an SA in place, that's how strongly I felt about securing my rights with the kids.
Anyway, just some thoughts!

[~Sol]

I guess I should have pointed out that its only flexible as long as both I and ex agree on the spot about who should take her for that evening or that weekend. We have a set schedule in our decree, we rotate holidays and birthdays, at least on paper, and we ask our D how she feels about the change, and most of the time she wants to spend it with me than with her mom.

With my ex working nights, my D technically is with me an equal or greater amount of time, she spends the nights with me yet goes to her mom's school district. Because mom works nights, no judge is going to grant my ex custody, on the contrary - it's me that will receive it if it comes to that. Now ex could get wise and get a normal 9-5, but she's very ingrained in that night shift lifestyle and earns more because of it. So I already have an equal foothold with my D spending 50% or more of her time with me while her mom goes to work at night. And while her SS18 is living with her, he doesn't qualify to be a guardian (given his party life-style.)

Now I can be a real a$$ and take my ex to court for primary custody, which would make my home the main residence and my D will then go to my school district, and my ex will become the visiting parent, and I can even get her for child support. We went down this scenario with the ex, she was not happy about it but rather violent and aggressive towards me - much like our past M. At the same time, I have thought about what is best for my D, who will help her with school, go to her school events, be the role model and not just a parent. She will be 10 next year, then 15, then 18 and off to college. Her mom has an unstable lifestyle right now, does not provide the time needed to nurture a 9 year-old, she sleeps in the afternoons after picking up D from school, and my D feels like she's alone with no one there to provide anything during the after school hours and her bedtime. At bedtime her mom gets up and jets to work and hopes that her son will show up in time to babysit when D stays over during a school-night. I don't like it, and I told my attorney about it.

My ex filed new paperwork - probably demanding some kind of support from me and is altering the original agreement we had. I'm waiting on my atty to tell me what she and her atty wants, then we will proceed accordingly, to a custody hearing if needed. I don't want to fight my ex on this - it will just be a nasty event - but what I feel is irrelevant compared to what's more important for my D9, so I try to remember that. My ex thinks she knows what's best, but she's not thinking about my D's future, only the present. My ex is ALWAYS just thinking of the present. I think of the present AND the future that I want for my D, it's important that she have the right role models in her life, and that she gets to college and has a happy and productive life. My ex has not once expressed any concerns about our D's future. As fathers, we know the kind of world our daughters are going to grow up in, and we have to make sure we prepare them and teach them about it. I just get frustrated that my ex isn't as proactive as I am or have the foresight to see things regarding my D's upbringing and future.

[~Sol]

Another hot topic I forgot to point out is church. I want to be able to raise my D in with a good church, but ex is totally against this. In fact, since ex (and myself included) were raised in a traditional Catholic environment, my ex doesn't believe in prayer and doesn't even attend church altogether. I admit that I too was absent from going to the church I was raised in, but I'm much older and can think for myself, so I am inclined to attend a non-denominational church as I have had bad experiences with other churches. I respect them all, but my preference is learning directly from the Bible and applying those principals to my everyday life. Let's face it, I screwed up being on my own without God in my life, and I did a pretty good job of that! So my reason for going back to church is to get myself and my life straightened out.

I like to say my ex is being highly irrational, given she wants us (me and my D) to attend a Catholic church instead of any other, and she'll be fine with that. Yet she has no grounds to demand this since she herself does not go to church, nor does she believe any of the teachings of the church. Believe me, this is something I need to pray about more, but reality is that ex is being too irrational in this and there is nothing wrong with our D going to a good Christian church where she will learn more about how to become a better person and have God in our lives. My ex doesn't have God in hers, and that's sad.

There, I'm gonna keep it at that before I get myself into trouble!