It is 3am and I cannot sleep. Last night was pretty rough for me. It seems that when I have idle time around the house that is when I have really hard times. I cannot let this happen anymore. I was fine during the week but I had it in my mind that I was going to get her back with my plan. I have not detached at all. When she came to bed last night I so bad wanted to hold her and tell her that I love her. I was good and I didn't. This is such a struggle for me.
I accidentally asked her if she wanted to watch a movie later yesterday. She was hesitant of course and I made sure she knew it was ok that that she didn't have to. She never said no, but then again she never said she wanted to. So I started to watch it by myself. That was hard. I couldn't even finish it because all I could think about was her.
I think I am still very confused and I am very hurt. I feel that if she is really gone then she should leave. Why should she be able to stay in the comforts of our home if she is gone in her head and stays in the game so much? Why should I pay for her to have an emotional relationship with other people while she waits until she has somewhere to go? It seems to me that she spends so much time in the game that our marriage doesn't have a chance in hell. My heart is nowhere near being disconnected. It is hard to do that when I see her every day and she looks beautiful and attractive.
Last night when I couldn't handle it anymore.. I got my keys around 7:40pm said that I would be back later in a normal voice. I was gone for two hours while I got all my emotions out. I was exhausted by the time I got home 2 hours later. I was up for a little bit after I got home and then I went to bed.
One thing that I have been doing is telling her goodnight when she comes to bed, no matter how late she comes in. Last night when she came in she made some comment about me being wide awake and I told her I was almost falling asleep when she came in. I think it would be wise to not tell her anything when she comes to bed and to also stop calling her anything but her name or nickname. It's so hard to stop the Honey, Hon, Sweetie, etc.
I just don't know what I'm going to do to get my heart to detach. I almost feel like telling her that if she is really done to just leave and let me go. Start the end so that my heart will stop bleeding sooner than later. I know she knows what it was like to be neglected but I don't think that she has any idea what I'm feeling like in this situation. At least she slept every night and could operate every day. This is affecting me heavily and I just don't know how much longer I will be able to go on like this. My head is killing me right now.
