Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

Thanks Ali and Daisy,

Still thinking over what I'll do next. H left for the airport, and was all nice and normal when he left. Just went to check my phone and he sent 2 texts-1 that he was at the airport, the next saying don't cry. Ugh.

In the talk last night he said if he moved out he'd still stay a few nights here "as a compromise". I seriously don't know. I feel trapped by my situation.

ITH

[istherehope]

And now I have to face this Sunday alone. I've gotten 2 texts from H since he's landed in Portugal. The first just said he's arrived, the 2nd was some joke about me not crying.

I am not sure what he wants from me. It is very clear that he likes having me in his life, so I don't understand why he is trying so hard to push me away. I am tempted to send another email, but am thinking I probably shouldn't...

I am not sure whether I should even send an email saying that I understand his need to get his own place or whether I just make this clear through my actions. I feel like I screwed up big time last night, and turned a situation that could have been just unpleasant into something more certain by my own actions. I can't believe that I cried again, and asked for marriage counseling, asked about spending Christmas together, about going to Mexico with him etc. I just feel sick, so sick, like I have no idea what could make me feel better. I can't even fathom going to work for the next couple of days. I think I will ask for 2 days holiday, and just not sign into IM at all. Every time H talks about ending things, he makes extra contact with me. He sent 4 texts this morning in total, and called me "little" when he left this morning, even grabbing my nose in the affectionate way.

The only thing I know for sure is that I will not be here when he comes home on Wednesday. Oh--and when I asked last night about how he wanted to spend time while I stayed at my friends for a month, whether he wanted me to stay weekends, he said "yeah probably and maybe some weekdays too as you'll probably miss the dogs." So again, I am so utterly confused by everything. And again when we'd talk about plans last night, he kept saying, "but you know what is going to happen with us." So when I say he is being cruel, I don't mean that he's being verbally abusive, as he's not, but it's just so hurtful to think that someone who has devoted his life to me cannot stand to be around me, even when by his own admission he thinks I have changed for the better.

And now he just sent a text saying that if I want we will do Christmas in Portugal...Is this a pity offer?

I know that whole thing was an incoherent rambling, but this is how I am feeling right now...

ITH

[istherehope]

And just asked him which dates he was interested in, and he said "this does not change what I said though", so I responded that we'd said we were going to try, and I was going to be more understanding about the living situation and his space.

Ugh. And all by SMS.

[AliSuddenly]

Gosh, I dont know, except.. your H is F-IN NUTS !!!!!

Seriously, sorry. He texts you to say we will spend christmas together and then says, but it doesnt cahnge that its over and I am leaving you?

Star wise,
Yesterday - Neptune turned around forwards, which means its now direct today after going backwards since late May. For me, last year, when Neptune turned around in late May, that was when my ex withdrew from me, shut down and started falling for that woman at work by early June. I didnt have a clue what was goiing on all summer, it was confusing. He was obviously withdrawn and disinterested, but then he would tell me I wa the most beautiful woman in teh room, that kidn of thing. I didnt think he would leave me, but he started talking about it in August. Eventially, I got my answer - he came home 2nd November 2007 and said it wsa over for good - that was the day that Neptune turned forwards. Yep, a year ago today.

Things became confused again this year, but Neptune is again forwards since yesterday. neptune forwards is truth time, blinkers off, reality, end of illusions and dillusions. It makes me think that right now, you should accept this news as how he HAS been feeling this summer. He has finally told you what he has found it hard to say. As Neptune has gone direct, the truth has come out, as it did for me a year ago. I know its hard, but you know where you stand now. You need to let him do this before you have any hope of reconciliation, even if that was possible.

That doesnt mean that things might change again. I left my partern of 4 1/2 years and didnt see him much, but 1 1/2 yeras later I was still in love with him deep down and wanted him back, but it was too late by then. So, you never know right.

things are in a huge state of flux as you know - its that push pull thing with Saturn (commitment, marriage) and Uranus (freedom, the new, independence, D). So, maybe this is hitting your H squarely in some way in his chart (check astro.com - put his details in and see).

Theres that big Uranus-Saturn opposition tomorow, but its exact today really.

Then there is the big Venus conjunct Pluto on 12th November, right before the full moon in Taurus that night. For me, last Venus conjucnt pluto in the skies was 26th January - the day my ex came here and too his stuff and moved out official. So that was a big day for me and maybe the 12th will be too and there has been alot written about it.

Lastly, Uranus turns direct on 27th November and thats linked to a bunch of other stuff that day too, which could mean that things look differnet by the end of November.

I dont want to give yu any hope ITH as this is such a difficult sitch. I think your H has got some kind of screw loose, no offence, especially when you say he sent yuo a message "the 2nd was some joke about me not crying." Maybe he has intimacy issues, or loathes woman deep down, or himself, but you have to stop defending him ! Its not helping you! You dont seem to see what we are all seeing, he seems to have a bit of a sadistic streak.. if you face up to that (as his problem) you may stop feeling so bad about this being yuor fault.

Lastly - dont beat yuorslef up for what you did or said last night, it would have made no difference. These sitches have been rumbling for months and months, as I have seen in the skies, your actions would have been inconsequential to the decisions he tool. And it doesnt matter that you cried, it would have been wierd and unnatural if you didnt.

Dont feel as though you have done this and you have ruined everything, you didnt, he did.

Defo take some days off work, I was going to suggest that. Do whatever you need to do to feel a bit better in yourslef from this place of pain you are in. Dont worry about it bneing right or wrong, do what you have to do - switch off your laptop, or bombard him with messages, either way, just do what you want hey?

Thinking of you, I am not good today either, this is hard on us all.
Al xx

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I'll respond more later, but wanted to let you know that I sent you a message on FB...

ITH

[istherehope]

So,

For various reasons I feel marginally better now. I still am not happy with the state of things, but I am more sure about the next steps that I am going to take.

Ali--I agree that this is not my fault. However I did say some very regrettable things last night to my H, and his behavior doesn't excuse mine...I told him that he was just very mean, that he wasn't the only person on the planet, and that I was sick of his midlife crisis nonsense. He said I was like Jekyll and Hyde at one point last night, and in actual fact this was how I was behaving. I am really embarrassed that I pushed so much to have Christmas together too.

Anyway tonight I am going to send H an email saying that while I may not agree with the decision to move out, I will respect his choice and be supportive in whatever way I can. I will also say that I'm content for now just to hang out as friends, and that while I like the idea of going to Portugal for Christmas, I want that to be something he wants to do, and not to do it out of guilt.

I do feel as though my world is falling apart in many ways, but at the same time I think that there is still a good chance that it can be rebuilt, if I truly let go of control...

ITH

[Jen_Jam]

OK, I know I said I was taking a brak and I have done so .... but I would like to cut in here as I have a suggestion which may help .... ITH read it and see what you think ... others what do yous think too?

IMO I see a lot of you telling your H things. A lot of contact by email/IM about plans, the future, what will happen etc etc. I know it's not ALL like that and you have made the superhuman effort required and you know I think you are doing a grand job.

BUT

What do you think to employing the LRT here? (As described in the DR book). Your H seems determined to hang on to the fact he isn't getting the space he wants, despite you giving it to him he is still feeling low and you are nice and near to lash out to. You keep giving him sympathy too. I would suggest stopping that. If he feels like his life is a pile of poop then it's up to him to sort it out and stop putting the blame for that on your shoulders. I would suggest trying to develop the attitude that if he is going to leave you then he's a fool who will be missing out on one of the best tthings to ever happen to him. (which is what I think ).

I was recently speaking to a friend of mine about another mutual friend who got a D from her H. This friend now feels she made the wrong decision, that she was depressed at the time (and still is) and that the D was far too easy to get. She wishes someone or something had stepped in to stop her making what she now feels is a mistake.

You've already said, and your H has said, that he doesn't feel right. His focus should be purely on getting himself better, but he seems to feel a D will be part of that. he could be so, so wrong. If i could speak to your H I would advise him to get himself feeling better first, then if he decides he does want a D then OK, fine. But to get a D now could heap evern more misery onto himself.

But I can't speak to your H. You've stated very clearly you don't want to D, he has stated very vaguely he wants to. Mine did too. I told him to think VERY carefully about it, that if he did decide he wanted a D I would agree to it (OK, I lied, I'd have made it very difficult for him) BUT he had to make sure it was what he REALLY wanted because he was throwing away a LOT.

It also seems to me you are taking a lot of your cues and basing a lot of your decisions on what H wants. it's very kind of you, of course, but I would suggest a new course of action in doing what YOU want to do and pretty much ignoring H when you can. I know he IM's you a lot ... does he get upset if you ignore him? I know you've been keeping the IM's very light too (well done!) but is there a way you can hide more from him?

You're right about letting go control ... detaching is very difficult but it is NOT impossible. What I did was imagine my H sitting in a wet nappy. There was NO WAY I was going to go near him or change his nappy AT ALL so I left him to it. I built up a lot of respect for myself. Yes I contributed to our M problems and I fixed/changed what was in my power to change. I had carried out my part of the bargain, I had nothing left to give H (I even said that to him one night on one of my darker, more frustrated days). Other times I would view H as a stroppy teenager and again pretty much ignore him. I would never be rude to him, but I had the attitude of "I don't really care what you say and do, I'm one DAMN FINE woman and if you can't see that well that's your loss".

Phew! - how does all that sound?

[istherehope]

Hi Jen,

Thanks so much for breaking your silence on this one occasion. In fact it is probably the time that I need advice the most, so much appreciated!

I did in fact send H another email today, one that let him know I would not stand in the way of him moving out, and that I don't need him to stay nights here if he doesn't want to, and that I don't have to have Christmas in Lisbon if he doesn't want to. I hope this was still OK, as it was intended to show me dropping the rope and not looking weak...

I may in fact try the LRT though for a few reasons it's somewhat of a challenge right now given the unstable living sitch and the shared finances. In any case I will not be reaching out again about anything unless it is a true emergency.

H says he is depressed now only because of the M, and nothing else. I know this is not true, but he can't see it...he says he will end up killing himself if he is forced to live with me. This is not normal, I know. I mean if things were just bad, he'd be unhappy and everything, but this is very extreme. It is not good for my self-esteem to say the least.

Truly I have never been as depressed as I am today. I am going to do my very best to try and focus on myself etc., but again I'm in this foreign country and have pretty much lost the only good friend I have here because he is too scared to spend real time with me. I am going to take a couple of days off of work I think, and the side benefit of this is that it allows me not to be on IM since I won't need to be signed in for work.

Thanks for checking in. I really am trying to feel a little more positive. Maybe soon I will be able to come from more of a position of strength...

ITH

[JCJ]

(((ITH)))

Jen Jam gave you some great advice. I do think you need to be less available and make sure you look after you in all of this. He is putting a lot onto you and I admire you so much at the moment - you are practically super human!

[istherehope]

Thanks Julia,

I appreciate the compliment. Too bad I am barely scraping by at work though...

I am going to try to be less available for sure. I am even considering just leaving somewhere for vacation for a few days, and not telling him about it. I literally don't know what I should be doing right now. This means that every aspect of my life is up in the air. I can't even make future plans, as I don't want to plan to leave the country when there is still some hope. I mean I hope there is still hope...

BTW Ali may have posted something to you in FB. Not sure if you would be interested, but I can say it was very useful for me. Feel free to email me about it if you're interested...

ITH