Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

And now I have to face this Sunday alone. I've gotten 2 texts from H since he's landed in Portugal. The first just said he's arrived, the 2nd was some joke about me not crying.

I am not sure what he wants from me. It is very clear that he likes having me in his life, so I don't understand why he is trying so hard to push me away. I am tempted to send another email, but am thinking I probably shouldn't...

I am not sure whether I should even send an email saying that I understand his need to get his own place or whether I just make this clear through my actions. I feel like I screwed up big time last night, and turned a situation that could have been just unpleasant into something more certain by my own actions. I can't believe that I cried again, and asked for marriage counseling, asked about spending Christmas together, about going to Mexico with him etc. I just feel sick, so sick, like I have no idea what could make me feel better. I can't even fathom going to work for the next couple of days. I think I will ask for 2 days holiday, and just not sign into IM at all. Every time H talks about ending things, he makes extra contact with me. He sent 4 texts this morning in total, and called me "little" when he left this morning, even grabbing my nose in the affectionate way.

The only thing I know for sure is that I will not be here when he comes home on Wednesday. Oh--and when I asked last night about how he wanted to spend time while I stayed at my friends for a month, whether he wanted me to stay weekends, he said "yeah probably and maybe some weekdays too as you'll probably miss the dogs." So again, I am so utterly confused by everything. And again when we'd talk about plans last night, he kept saying, "but you know what is going to happen with us." So when I say he is being cruel, I don't mean that he's being verbally abusive, as he's not, but it's just so hurtful to think that someone who has devoted his life to me cannot stand to be around me, even when by his own admission he thinks I have changed for the better.

And now he just sent a text saying that if I want we will do Christmas in Portugal...Is this a pity offer?

I know that whole thing was an incoherent rambling, but this is how I am feeling right now...

ITH