Unconditional Love 3 (mmf)

[missmyfriend]

I went through a lot the past week. It has almost been a month since the divorce was final. So many people have been pushing me to date, take my ring off, move on. I prayed on it quite a bit and didn't feel God was telling me to do anything. Normally, I can feel convicted toward maintaining my stand but this time I didn't feel it.

Please do not take this as counter to what I stand for and share.

I spoke to my "mentor" and to my mother about whether I should be open to dating. I miss the companionship and the closeness with someone of the fairer sex. Did I fall into a trap? Was I mistaken or given bad advice? I don't believe I was. At the same time, I am not convinced that my "stand" is over.

My mom and my "mentor" besides many well intentioned friends encouraged me to "move on". They thought it would be accepted by the children and that it may actually be good for them.

I spoke to my W (ex) after we went trick or treating with our youngest about possibly to begin dating and to share this with the kids. She said she was happy for me and thinks that it is about time. I didn't expect a different response than the one that I received. Even if she felt otherwise, her response would have been the same.

I prayed about it, spoke to another friend and decided to speak to the children. The conversation went very well and the kids were fine with it. I couldn't detect any sadness in them.

For some reason, as the day wore on I became more depressed. I considered that part of the reason is about it being a transition of sorts for me and the children. I did feel like I was shutting the door on my past and permanently closing off any chance of reconciliation in the future.

I wouldn't have changed standing for my marriage or modifying how I handled my children, with few exceptions. My W is worth every day that I prayed and hoped for her heart to soften and to return to us.

As I tried to go to bed, I felt the overwhelming sadness that I felt early on when my W left. I couldn't sleep for weeks, literally. I would get 10 minutes here and 10 minutes there.

I now find myself incredibly depressed but at the same time, I feel more clarity than I have in some time. As I said prayers with my youngest, he left out "God please help mom and send her home to us". It hurt listening to the absence of those familiar words. I asked him if he wanted to add anything and he looked sad and said no.

He asked me to pray now as we always take turns. I prayed for him and his siblings, my mom, my sister and her family, my Ws sister and her family. I then prayed for my W and asked God to protect her and guide her back to Him and to us. I said God, what ever your will is for me and this family, we are yours to command.

Do I still love her? Yes, I love her intensely. I shared that I still love her when I told her that I may start dating. I wanted her to know that my love for her has never waned. I said that I wanted her to know I wasn't holding on to her anymore.

Did I make a mistake? I don't know. Would it be better if I let things stand as they were? Possibly. In some ways, I think it may have been necessary so that my W would feel completely on her own.

For my children what does this mean? Confusion, probably. The good thing is that they are bright and they know that I have never stopped loving their mother. At this time, and I may feel differently in the morning, that is if I get some sleep. I don't want them to give up hope and to not learn to trust the Lord with all of their heart. To know that with Him nothing is impossible. Yes, my W has free will but I believe she belongs to Him and it is said that He will not stop to lead those who belong to Him until they return. Sometimes I can tell she has conviction about what she is doing is wrong. Not that she says that but that she is tormented about something and she can't express why.

No one ever said this would be easy. It is challenging every day to do what is right or to know which path we are supposed to follow. All I know is that I need to follow His path and He will protect us.

I think I will continue to stand, let the children know that I will continue the stand but not wear my wedding band and not share with my W what I am actually doing. I have felt awkward wearing my wedding ring since the divorce around my W as though I was trying to make a point and that goes against my nature and beliefs.

Instead this may give her the complete freedom she desires. The freedom of not being responsible for my heart anymore. I don't think she could handle it.

Some conflicting discussion points between my W and myself lately:

1. She still wants us to go to Disneyworld next November (around S13 bday).

I told her that I would do my best to somehow come up with my half of the money but with several other expenses I have to deal with including the fee to get the mortgage only in my name and S13 winning an award to attend a college course next summer, I don't know how.

She said that if she had to, she would put it all on a credit card. I don't know what to think of that since I thought she wanted me to go to help with the costs of taking the kids. Instead it sounds like she simply wants all of us to go. Any thoughts?

2. She is willing to pay the fee for getting the mortgage in my name. She has offered this multiple times.

3. She commented that the wallpaper should come off in the house and the walls need a good paint scheme. She said that we also need to replace the light fixtures.

I explained that money is a challenge. She said that it should be done long before we sell the house (I pay a good sum every month and want to downsize so there is more money for the family) and that it was sad we never did renovations in past homes until we were selling them. I explained that we had minimal income (she was a stay at home mom) and we didn't have excess to fix it up earlier than we did.

She said that she wants to help fix the house up. Any thoughts?

4. Not a conversation but an observation. She has been remembering certain traditions that the kids treasured. Something so simple as making chili on the day of Halloween. She brought a big pot of yummy chili for the kids and they were so happy. It wasn't the chili that made them happy but that she remembered a tradition. I even had some even though I am aggressively working out and dieting to get some decent abs.

5. She has been much more involved with other areas for the children as well. She isn't always appearing happy about it but she does do it. I think she acts put off but I think she really likes being needed and wanted.

I want to sign off tonight (this morning) with one more thing. I was reading scripture from a standing sites newsletter and wanted to share the scripture which is great:

"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; Is there anything too hard for Me?" Jeremiah 32:27

If I read the testimony correctly, the woman writing the testimony stated that the divorce was reversed as the husband wants to reunite with his family after being gone for three years. He started to go back to church with the family and they are having their marriage restored. Will it stick? Maybe. But it has a much better chance if they are staying close to their faith than without it. For nothing is to hard for God to achieve.

Goodnight everyone. Please pray for me, my children and my W (ex) and that we will all continue to listen to Him and follow His directions.