NW and Purple - Thanks for your support. I appreciate your help so very much.
Today was a mix of pain and joy...my S11's game wasn't canceled after all - and so I got a chance to spend the entire day with both of my boys (and my son's team won their soccer game 4-0).
The morning started off oddly...in that, as I called my W to let her know I was coming by the house to get baby, she asked me to swing by and pick up some pastries for her...from our favorite bakery...it wasn't far out of my way...so I figured, sure, why not, why not make her day a bit easier since I was certain it would be a tough one.
So I got her the pastries - and then later in the morning, as she had requested during the week, I dropped her off at the truck rental place on my way to see my S11's soccer game. I was already running late when I dropped her off (waiting for her) and she knew this...but ten minutes after I dropped her off - as I was already far up the highway - she called to tell me that she had left her driver's license back at home...normally - as in always in our relationship - I would do whatever I could to help her out of a jam...but this time I just could not -- once she stepped out of the car at the truck rental building - I said to myself...that's it, she's on her own...she has to take care of herself now...so when she called, I asked if she could call one of the friends that was going to help her this morning, or a taxi...and she hung up on me...which wasn't unexpected.
Anyway - I left, watched my S11's game, played with both my boys, spent the afternoon with some close friends, went to a Dia De Los Muertos festival in the city - and then took the boys out for ice cream - all as part of staying out of the house long enough for my W to move out...I did have to swing by after my S11's game to pick up some dry clothes for him (he showered at my friend's house) - and that pissed her off a lot - as she snipped at me that she resented it that I hadn't prepared more for today...I simply apologized and went on my way...
The boys and I got back home around 5.30pm - rearranged the house - turned the living room into the kind of cozy space I had always wanted it to be - wow...what a difference - really love it here right now - and then we watched a movie together and played while eating pizza.
After the movie, we used the extra space in the house to play some soccer - and had a wonderful time since there really wasn't anything fragile around...and the boys just had a blast...Finally, my W came by to pick up the baby around 8.30pm - and used her key to let herself in....which bugged me a lot...and I asked her to please knock next time...which bugged her...but the truth is...if we're apart, we're apart, I can't live with this in-between illusion.
Baby cried a lot when they left - since we were having a wonderful time together when she came in and took him to her new place - I felt bad for her - as I knew she was tired - and she probably was hoping that baby would just be thrilled to leave with her - and I'm sure that she's in a lot of pain tonight...as I could see it in her eyes...
S11 and I are having a slumber party in the living room - and we're going to stay up late eating Halloween candy and watching Lord of the Rings...he wants to watch all three...I think I'll cap it at the first and save the others maybe for tomorrow (well, just one of the other two).
I had moments of real sadness today - fell apart as we left the Dia de los Muertos festival...but am feeling much better right now. Rearranging the living room did wonders for my spirit - as it just added some balance to a part of the house that had always felt imbalanced - when we were done my S11 commented that now we have to bring this kind of comfort to every part of the house...interesting...he seems so very relieved that it's just us - either to the of us or the three of us in the home...
Tomorrow we're going to keep making this a more comfortable home...and I plan on doing everything I can to make it an active, fun day for us...at least until movie time comes in the evening.
I promised him we would go out for sushi again tomorrow...such a funny kid. I often feel like my soul glows when I'm with my sons.
I know that I'll still have more pain to let lose - especially on Monday after I drop my S11 off at school...good thing I have a session with my T scheduled for that afternoon...I have a feeling I'll need it.
One thing I realized - and this was a big one for me - is that part of the reason for that hole in my chest was fear. I had that same painful hole in my chest the first time I had to live abroad by myself...I was 19 - a complete stranger to Paris - and my first few weeks there were spent in a kind of sad stupor - afraid of how to get through this strange city, concerned about where to buy bread, how to find an apartment...and I realized today that this pain in my chest, this hole, also has a lot to do with my fear of this dramatic change...since I am now going to have to wake up from my comfort zone and work harder than I ever have before in my life - and by work I mean that stuff that pays and also the stuff that brings the real rewards...work at being a better man.
I'm pushing through that fear...and I will not have it overcome me...if ever my W comes around to wanting to work on our M...I will be prepared to do so as a better, more centered, more fulfilled person.
Time for the next movie...maybe...it's later than I expected...maybe it's time for me to get the boy to go to sleep....
