Today was good but then I ran out of things to do and then I was in the house where I have to listen to her play with those guys she always plays with. It was too much for me. I didn't say a word. It got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore so I got my keys and said "I'll be back in a bit.." and left.
I think I did the right thing.. I talked to my support people and then went to some people that I can talk to for a while and got it all out. Then I came home two hours later.
I just need to get hardened about this thing so that it doesn't bother me. I just don't know how I'm going to do that. It's one thing if she is in that state but she is completely hiding inside this game and it drives me crazy that she escapes everything and I have to suffer. I'm just hurting really bad right now and this is really hard.
I wanted to encourage you. Overall, you are doing pretty well. I want you to keep focusing on your children and yourself. Your W seems to be pretty far gone.
I am a HUGE believer in M. Yet, I think you need to press on with the thought you will not work things out with your W. You need to lovingly detach. I am not writing if or when your W wants to work on the M you should not. I really think you need to not let her actions bother you. That was so very hard for me.
I remember my WAW was really POed when I would not be down in the dumps like her. You NEED to keep up the PMA. If for nothing else, it will help you stay sane.
My friend, my brain is freezing up a bit. It has been a long day. I'll check back on you in the morning.
All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Take Care,
RMG
Last edited by RMG77739; 11/02/0805:51 AM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
It is 3am and I cannot sleep. Last night was pretty rough for me. It seems that when I have idle time around the house that is when I have really hard times. I cannot let this happen anymore. I was fine during the week but I had it in my mind that I was going to get her back with my plan. I have not detached at all. When she came to bed last night I so bad wanted to hold her and tell her that I love her. I was good and I didn't. This is such a struggle for me.
I accidentally asked her if she wanted to watch a movie later yesterday. She was hesitant of course and I made sure she knew it was ok that that she didn't have to. She never said no, but then again she never said she wanted to. So I started to watch it by myself. That was hard. I couldn't even finish it because all I could think about was her.
I think I am still very confused and I am very hurt. I feel that if she is really gone then she should leave. Why should she be able to stay in the comforts of our home if she is gone in her head and stays in the game so much? Why should I pay for her to have an emotional relationship with other people while she waits until she has somewhere to go? It seems to me that she spends so much time in the game that our marriage doesn't have a chance in hell. My heart is nowhere near being disconnected. It is hard to do that when I see her every day and she looks beautiful and attractive.
Last night when I couldn't handle it anymore.. I got my keys around 7:40pm said that I would be back later in a normal voice. I was gone for two hours while I got all my emotions out. I was exhausted by the time I got home 2 hours later. I was up for a little bit after I got home and then I went to bed.
One thing that I have been doing is telling her goodnight when she comes to bed, no matter how late she comes in. Last night when she came in she made some comment about me being wide awake and I told her I was almost falling asleep when she came in. I think it would be wise to not tell her anything when she comes to bed and to also stop calling her anything but her name or nickname. It's so hard to stop the Honey, Hon, Sweetie, etc.
I just don't know what I'm going to do to get my heart to detach. I almost feel like telling her that if she is really done to just leave and let me go. Start the end so that my heart will stop bleeding sooner than later. I know she knows what it was like to be neglected but I don't think that she has any idea what I'm feeling like in this situation. At least she slept every night and could operate every day. This is affecting me heavily and I just don't know how much longer I will be able to go on like this. My head is killing me right now.
I don't know if I'm repeating myself but what kills me the most is that she is escaping into that game and doesn't think about our marriage or anything. She stays in her little world ignoring the rest of us for the most part.
I guess the only thing I can do is let her play the game and try to be a loving husband to her without touching, saying ILY, or asking her to spend any time with me. I think that was my mistake yesterday - asking her if she wanted to watch a movie with me. It slipped and I didn't realize I shouldn't have done that until after it was done.
I think I'm doing good otherwise though besides me leaving for a bit last night. I know she knows I am troubled and I know that isn't good. I'm supposed to show a happy guy who doesn't have anything bothering him.
To be honest, the only thing that would help me would be to be gone from the house. But if I spend a lot of time away, then I will be neglecting my house and kids. I almost wish that this was over so that I could cry it all out and get on with my life. I just don't know how long she is going to play this game and ignore the fact that we're married.
It's just unfair for her to do this to me. If she doesn't want to be married, just go. If she isn't sure I wish she would at least tell me what is on her mind. Not knowing what is going on in her head would help me either get on with my life or at least feel like I need to work on the things I should work on. I know I should work on myself and I am.. It takes time. At least if I had it in my head that she really still feels that things are over then I guess it would help me disconnect from her. I don't know, the weekends here are really hard.
I feel like I just want to forget her and go look for another woman. I don't like being alone emotionally or physically. It's not something that I would really do, but that is what I feel like. I feel desparate at finding something to make the pain go away.
Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling right now.
I know how you are feeling right now. It is hard to be alone, when you are use to having someone you love around you. I have found that the weekends a particularly the hardest. At least during the week, I can think about my job and have contact with the people at work to keep me from thinking about my sitch.
I too wanted to find a way the to be done with this pain you are talking about. I have contemplated how my life would be with someone else. I also wanted my W to just go ahead and file the D and be done with it. I even wrote a letter to her telling she had 30 days to start the process and in my state it would be final in another 60 days. I never sent the letter and at this moment in time I am glade that I did not send it. I do not know how my sitch will finally turns out; I will cross the bridge when I get to it. My sitch is improving as we speak, but it's a long way before the end of this book. Each turn of the page changes the ending, so who knows.
You will get to that point some day, hopefully in the very near future. You need to give it some more time. Besides, right now, time is all that have. Think of it as your best ally. Find something to do with your ally. Play golf, shot baskets, go fishing, go to the gym, do something you like to do. I sometimes like to just walk through Lowe's or Home Depot and just look at the stuff. Setting around the house in the chair and thinking about your sitch makes it very easy to start feeling sorry for yourself and how alone you are. It was hard for me at first to do these types of things because, like you, I was always thinking about my sitch. Now my sitch is still in my head, but it is in the back of my mind and not right up front.
Hang in there. It will get better and you will live. I know that this time in your life you my not think it is true, but it is.
Yeah man, my heart is bleeding all over the place. I feel completely lost. I feel like the only way I can feel better is if I leave often and not hang around the house.
I'm not sure how she will see that though. Will she see if as I'm checking out? Not being around the take care of the house which I was guilty of doing in the first place?
I need to get hardened by this somehow so I just don't care anymore.
I'm feeling better now. I know what my goal is and I know that if I can keep my confidence and be happy about what I am doing I will be much better off in showing my wife that I mean business.
Today after my wife left this morning I really busted my butt around the house. I cleaned the kitchen floor, oiled the kitchen cabinet doors, vacuumed the upstairs and downstairs, changed a toilet seat, cleaned the kids bathroom (it was filthy), and then straightened up some other stuff around the house. I didn't do it all to make her think I'm trying hard, I'm doing it for myself because it keeps my mind from wondering and I know the family will benefit from it. That is why I am feeling good about what I've done.
I'm excited to make this a really good week for myself. My goal is to go to sleep tonight, don't say anything when she comes to bed every night so she doesn't think I'm staying awake for her to come to bed. Then I'm going to make each night a good experience for her. This coming weekend I'm going to plan something for the kids and I to do and it will also be my goal to not have any confrontations. This weekend we didn't have any issues except for the fact that I did have to leave due to my own mind screwing with myself.
This is going to be a good week, I can feel it. I just pray that she sees it and it has a positive influence on her.
I've done a lot of work around the house and so far she has said nothing about it. I know she has seen it but she hasn't said anything about it. I'm not expecting anything from her or her to say anything but I just wanted to report that she did not say anything as expected.
It would be interesting to see what was going on in her mind though. I wonder if she is getting pissed off that I'm doing these things now and not back when I should have. Owell, I'll be doing them from now on I can tell you that.
Ok, interesting development. She stayed up late as usual and then went to bed with one of our daughters. Not sure if this was a jab at me or not but this is completely not normal for her.
It would seem that doing all the stuff around the house pissed her off. Maybe this is what my coach said about how she would push my buttons, etc. and I need to be calm/cool about them.
I know she was up pretty late past 2am I'm pretty sure. The pattern that I've noticed is that when she gets upset she stays up way longer than usual.
Since I did a lot of housework yesterday and spent time with the kids, I can only guess that she is upset that I'm doing what she wanted me to do all along. I can't think of anything else. I do know she is on her cycle as well so maybe that isn't helping her emotions at this point. I'm going to keep going and acting as if.
I think it would be best for me to completely ignore that she didn't come to bed and just act as if nothing happened. I'm sure she is wanting to pick a fight or something with me because this is for sure something that I would ask about in the morning.
It is hard to know if I'm doing the right things and she is getting irritated at that, or if I'm actually doing the wrong things and going down the wrong road. How do you tell what the case is? Cause if this is the wrong road, I don't want to continue obviously.
