Woke up 6 am today. Started moving all items for garage sale into the garage. W arrives at 7. Left to get change for her, drop D9's soccer outfit at her house. Sat around for 2 hrs with w - not much really to talk about. Found it hard to initiate a conversation about anything when I am trying avoid anything about the R. Lots of quiet silence. She probably made about $100 - I am just glad most of the stuff is now out of the house. Packed up at 9:30. W kisses kids bye & I tell her we are going to a church festival tonight at 5 if she would like to join us - it's free. She says she will call us later & probably will come along.
Went to free airshow at local airport with S4, D2 & friends. F14 & F16 jet engines were too loud for kids but they had fun looking at the other planes. Came back to house & hung out for while kids played. Talked with a friend about w, situation, his M, etc.
W calls to see how things are going. Tell her kids had fun but too noisy. W says her cousin told her same thing. Kids were given earplugs so they weren't so scared of the noise. W complains about her toenail causing her pain. Says when she paints them one nail starts hurting. Tell her story of my oldest brother who had to have his toenail removed surgically & it grew back. She says she needs to go to doctor next week.
She was going to end the call when I asked her if she still wanted to go with us tonight. I normally never bring something up that w has said she would get back to me on but i thought I would try just to see what the response would be. I know it is pursuit but really just wanted to hear her excuse.
W says that she is in pain from her neck, toe & back. Very tired since she didn't get to sleep until 1 am. I ask if the dogs kept her up. She says no, just that she had to take more aspirin last night since has a lot on her mind & it would not stop racing. I ask her what is wrong. She replies just being a worry wort. Told her I know she has a lot of things going on that are probably troubling her. If she wants to talk I am here to listen. She says thanks & that she will call kids later.
Ironic that I am so much more at peace in my head & sleep very soundly now where w is having difficulties. When w dropped the bomb, it was the other way around. But catch is instead of deriving any pleasure in my w's plight I am being empathetic toward her.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
W asked me to send pics from Halloween & air show so I sent a few to her email address before going to bed. One of her + kids on Halloween came out great so I sent it to her phone as well. Off to bed at 10, phone rings 10:20 - guess who... W calls to see if I got her email thanking me for sending pic. Reply no haven't gotten the email. Thought it was a great pic of her & kids. Bummed that I didn't get one of me + kids. W says "Well, you have lots of pics with the kids at other places you have gone." I just reply that it would have been nice for me to have one with the kids. W says she just woke up - been sleeping - head still hurts. I ask how come - thought that sleep would have helped. W replies I just have a lot on my mind. Says she will be by at 7am for day 2 of garage sale & will I be up? I said I planned on sleeping in but she was welcome to come in house when she got her.
Wake up at 8am this morning - forgot time change. Decide to go see if kids are still asleep, wearing underwear only - nothing unusual there. Go to walk into S4's room & w is in bed with him awake. I say wasn't expecting to see you up there with a smile. She just says hi & S4 rolls over to say hi as well. Left to go check on D2 - still asleep. Go back to my room to start my day when D2 wakes up crying for Daddy. Go back down hall & get D2 - big hug & wants to be held. W comes out of S's room holding him. We bring kids into living room & then I go back to my room to get some pants on! Getting a bit too excited & don't know if w noticed :-)
I go get rest of laundry & start folding it. W then starts to sweep the tile floor throughout the house. Comes into my bedroom while I am figuring out whose shirt I was holding. Asks if I can just look at shirt to determine whose it is instead of looking at tags? Said yes, guess I could have just held shirt up to see how big it was. Just used to looking at tag sizes. No clue why w commented on what I was doing - guess it wasn't how she would have done it. Didn't take it personally & just smiled back at her.
She sweeps entire house, vacuums rugs & then gets out the floor cleaner & does the floors. 2 hrs of work. I cooked french toast for everyone. She thanked me for breakfast & I thanked her for her help with the floors. Said next time she will have to show me how that machine works so I can start doing that too.
Not going to bother with trying to figure out her motives behind her actions. Just doing my thing, avoid initiating any R talk, enjoy the moment, be patient & above all - be positive, happy & patient.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Not much to report from last night. I got a lot done while she had kids from 10-3. Called to see if ok to stop by house so kids could use bathroom. Said didn't know if I was busy or alone. Said I was just working on paying bills. She came over with kids, then walked to nearby park for kids to play. I had to seed the lawn. Came back, made dinner for kids - asked if I wanted anything but I wasn't hungry. Got done & watched sunset from backporch swing. Started thinking about how happy I was, trying to find it in my heart to forgive my father & started to cry. Just sat watching sunset. W was watching me & didn't interrupt. I came back into house wiping tears & she said kids were in bath. I asked if she would wait to leave until I took a shower.
Part of D mediation was to pay off her 3 credit cards. 2 are store charge cards but 3rd is a MC that is all but maxed - $1000 credit limit. Told w I paid it off for her since I know how much she is stressing about not having money to pay her bills. She can use the card to help pay bills until she starts getting income from her job. W was a bit stunned & managed to say Thanks. She kissed kids bye & left.
Called her a couple hours later on accident. Told her that I hope she didn't leave due to my crying. It had nothing to do with her - was really just thinking about myself. She said she didn't leave because of that - just very tired - & that she appreciated my explaining myself.
W late this morning to pick up kids - very apologetic. Ask her if she wants some coffee - she doesn't have a cup - no problem. I go inside to make her a cup using 1 of my tumblers. Bring it out to her & she asks if I can load her mom's carpet cleaner into back of her car. Load it for her, say bye to kids & her - get a very enthusiastic THANK YOU from her. Just smile back & say your welcome.
Got phone call at work from her. Asks if her cousins kids can come over tonight - having cake for D9 birthday. Tell her of course they can come over - the more the merrier. W then proceeds to tell me about park she took kids to - 1 hr drive from home. On way back to drop her mom off & then will be by house at 5:30. Mentions March AFB museum she saw from highway & may want to bring kids there but didn't look open & had no idea what it cost. Googled it while on phone & told her it was closed on Mondays, kids 4 & under free & she would be $8. Said I had to get back to work.
Really feeling great about myself today. I know the paying the credit card can seem to be pursing & enabling. I figured out that in reality I was refraining from paying it off as a way to control her - keep the financial pressure on. I just wanted to do the right thing & help. No way am I going to give her my money but this was the one way I could give her some sort of financial aid. No expectations. Just peace of mind that I am doing the right thing, taking the high road & feeling happy. That is what it is all about now.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Stopped at store on way home to buy cake & candles for D9 birthday celebration. Walk into house & w asks what's for dinner? I suggest pizza - ok with kids. W niece who's room she has taken over is visiting D9. I go out to buy 2 pizzas & return. Everyone eats, little chit chat with w. Cake & singing. Present time. W tells me she didn't have $$$ to buy anything for D9. I said I will just tell her my present is from all of us.
D9 opens all the cards & reads them aloud. I let her open mine last since I had poured my heart into it. Had to focus to hold back tears. What i wrote:
"D, I am so very grateful to have you as my daughter. Your smile brightens my day and your hugs fill my heart with love. I appreciate all the help you give me around the house. Hope you enjoy the gift - you deserve it! Have a great birthday . You will always be my sweetie pie. Love you with all my heart, Dad."
Got a huge hug & kiss from my D. Just looked at w & smiled. Bought her a Nintendo DS which she was begging for. Then kids went back to playing with each other, leaving w & I to sit in living room alone.
W starts talking about her job - hours, what to do with kids if she needs to go in early, etc. She had mentioned previous day about wanting to read the 4 books that make up the plot for the upcoming movie Twilight before the movie comes out. Had read 2 of the 4 in past 3 days - 800 pages each. I asked if she had bought the 3rd one but she hadn't - was hoping her cousin would buy the final 2 & then she could read them.
I told her I had read the best relationship book yet - LL - and if she wanted she could borrow it. W asked what it was about. Gave her a brief description - That after the euphoria of love wanes, one needs to figure out what it is that helps your spouse feel loved. Told her there was an exam at the back to help pinpoint what your LL was. W said she thought the book should be used to figure out what your partner's LL is. I said that was true, but also it helped one identify their own LL. If you know your own LL, you can then tell your spouse what they need to do in order to fulfill it.
Told her I thought I knew what hers was - Words of Affirmation. Said that I had always tried to buy her Gifts but that obviously didn't work. She said she thought Words were just a part of the big picture - appreciation, friendship. I agreed with her assessment & just reiterated that everyone needs pieces from all 5 but that if your primary is not being met, you will become disenfranchised with the m.
Told her best part of the book was the final chapter about how you can find the LL of your children. If you can find that your kids will grow up feeling loved by you. I felt that made the book so worth reading.
W then had to leave to bring her niece to her aunt's house. Asks me if she can have the book to read. I give her the book & she comments 'Mens Edition" - what's that all about. I explain it has suggestions at end of each LL chapter for the men who don't get it - all while smiling. Show her the exam at end & suggest she take it first so as not to bias her answers after reading the book. Rub her shoulder & arm & say thanks for coming. She thanked me for pizza & cake, kisses kids bye & will be back in morning.
Looking forward to a bit of a discussion about the book :-) All in all another good day for me. Like I started this thread, goal was more positive than negative posts!
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Gotta take my phone of silent! Checking my phone at work & have a txt msg from w from last night @ 8:30 - she left house at 6. She took the test & sent her answer: "A - Words of Affirmation but D - Acts of Service was a close second." Good to confirm what I thought about her LL.
She was late to pick up kids, looked like she had just rolled out of bed. Asked me if I knew where our polling place was - said no, I had voted absentee but she could go to county registrar of voters to get the information. Said thanks & bye.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Kakatal..haven't posted on your thread before, but wow it sounds like you are doing such a great job, so positive and upbeat and it really sounds like your W is taking note..
I hope you are having a great day!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Got 3 phone calls from w at work - kid stuff, what time will I be home since she needs to go buy clothes for new job. 3rd call I missed & get a text message few mins later saying she gave kids bath already so I wouldn't have to & to call her after I got done voting to see about either picking up kids or having her drop them off. Hour later get another phone call wondering if I got her text. Then w tells me she has to cook dinner for cousin's family - since living there rent free has to help - I joke about earning your keep. Tell her I will call & if she is busy making dinner I will just come by to pick up kids.
Vote, call, go to pick up kids. S4 has a complete meltdown about leaving - wants to stay over. D2 was sleeping, wakes up when put in carseat & starts her crying as well. W says sorry & I just remark that it will be a fun ride home - just a 10 min drive. Get home & w calls about 10 mins later - just let machine pick it up. Just checking on kids to see if they are ok & to call her if I want later.
Kids cry on & off for the next hour - wearing away my patience with them. W calls again - I answer. Asks if kids are ok - no, been crying since I left. D2 sitting in my lap & wants to talk to w - she found a pic of w & was holding it crying for mom for 30 mins. Then S4 comes in room & wants to talk to m. Leaves room with phone & I can hear him crying about wanting to go back to cousins house with mom. W asks him to give me back phone so she can talk to me.
Says that she told S4 she would come by house to go to sleep with kids. I told her that would be great but I think S4 will want to leave with her when she goes back to cousins & will just repeat the same scenario as now. W agrees but asks what am I going to do. I reached my breaking point & unloaded a bit on w. Told her that I needed to get some financial paperwork done to try to save house - could not find time over past week to work on this. Thought tonight would be ok but didn't work out that way. Now I have a major headache, patience worn thin & then just stopped, saying that you don't need to hear any of this, sorry & I had to go - bye & hung up. Realized that I was venting to the wrong person - better late then never.
5 mins later phone rings from w. She starts saying that she would watch the kids when I needed her to, but that I had to ask her - she wasn't a mind reader! Says that I am the one who told her that I didn't want her around the house since it made me uncomfortable. I told her that if she was really offering me some help I was not receiving it that way. It felt like she was blaming me for getting frustrated with the kids & not being able to finish what I needed to do because I failed to ask her for help. She said that was not what she meant - she was really just trying to offer her help. I told her thanks for clarifying that.
Then I discussed the not wanting her in the house. Asked her if that were true, why would I have given her a key to the house? Why would I have let you clean the house or had the garage sale here if I that was true? Said that I realized that I had made decisions in the past party to hurt you back. That is not how I want to live my life. Have accepted things the way they are, chosen to be happy & just enjoy each day without expectations. Realized I was getting into a R talk so I just said I didn't want to talk about this over the phone. She suggested that Wed night we talk - ok with me.
I then asked if she would come over to deal with the kids. She said sure but she wanted to leave at 9:30 so she didn't want to talk tonight - I understand - no problem. 20 mins later w arrives, kids cheer up, she plays with them & leaves me an hour to get done what I needed to do - a budget. Spending 2K more a month than what I make so need to get house situation in order pronto!
W leaves at 9:30 - thank her again for coming by to help with kids. Told her I was going to watch The Shield @ 10. We had watched each season up to now together. 10:15 I get a txt from w commenting on show - end up sending 5 msgs back & forth. Had a hard time sleeping. Mind was trying to run all kinds of scenarios & assumptions about Wed night's talk.
W picks up kids this morning. Asks me to get coats since it is a bit chilly - I get a pair for kids. D2 has cream cheese all over her face - W asks her what she ate - bagel - I say yeah, all she does is just lick the cream cheese. We all just laugh - just a moment but it felt so normal. She is cooking pork chops - cya tonight.
No expectations. Really just want her to talk, look her in eye, validate her feelings & just LISTEN.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Got 3 phone calls from w at work - kid stuff, what time will I be home since she needs to go buy clothes for new job. 3rd call I missed & get a text message few mins later saying she gave kids bath already so I wouldn't have to & to call her after I got done voting to see about either picking up kids or having her drop them off. Hour later get another phone call wondering if I got her text. Then w tells me she has to cook dinner for cousin's family - since living there rent free has to help - I joke about earning your keep. Tell her I will call & if she is busy making dinner I will just come by to pick up kids.
Vote, call, go to pick up kids. S4 has a complete meltdown about leaving - wants to stay over. D2 was sleeping, wakes up when put in carseat & starts her crying as well. W says sorry & I just remark that it will be a fun ride home - just a 10 min drive. Get home & w calls about 10 mins later - just let machine pick it up. Just checking on kids to see if they are ok & to call her if I want later.
Kids cry on & off for the next hour - wearing away my patience with them. W calls again - I answer. Asks if kids are ok - no, been crying since I left. D2 sitting in my lap & wants to talk to w - she found a pic of w & was holding it crying for mom for 30 mins. Then S4 comes in room & wants to talk to m. Leaves room with phone & I can hear him crying about wanting to go back to cousins house with mom. W asks him to give me back phone so she can talk to me.
Says that she told S4 she would come by house to go to sleep with kids. I told her that would be great but I think S4 will want to leave with her when she goes back to cousins & will just repeat the same scenario as now. W agrees but asks what am I going to do. I reached my breaking point & unloaded a bit on w. Told her that I needed to get some financial paperwork done to try to save house - could not find time over past week to work on this. Thought tonight would be ok but didn't work out that way. Now I have a major headache, patience worn thin & then just stopped, saying that you don't need to hear any of this, sorry & I had to go - bye & hung up. Realized that I was venting to the wrong person - better late then never.
5 mins later phone rings from w. She starts saying that she would watch the kids when I needed her to, but that I had to ask her - she wasn't a mind reader! Says that I am the one who told her that I didn't want her around the house since it made me uncomfortable. I told her that if she was really offering me some help I was not receiving it that way. It felt like she was blaming me for getting frustrated with the kids & not being able to finish what I needed to do because I failed to ask her for help. She said that was not what she meant - she was really just trying to offer her help. I told her thanks for clarifying that.
Then I discussed the not wanting her in the house. Asked her if that were true, why would I have given her a key to the house? Why would I have let you clean the house or had the garage sale here if I that was true? Said that I realized that I had made decisions in the past party to hurt you back. That is not how I want to live my life. Have accepted things the way they are, chosen to be happy & just enjoy each day without expectations. Realized I was getting into a R talk so I just said I didn't want to talk about this over the phone. She suggested that Wed night we talk - ok with me.
I then asked if she would come over to deal with the kids. She said sure but she wanted to leave at 9:30 so she didn't want to talk tonight - I understand - no problem. 20 mins later w arrives, kids cheer up, she plays with them & leaves me an hour to get done what I needed to do - a budget. Spending 2K more a month than what I make so need to get house situation in order pronto!
W leaves at 9:30 - thank her again for coming by to help with kids. Told her I was going to watch The Shield @ 10. We had watched each season up to now together. 10:15 I get a txt from w commenting on show - end up sending 5 msgs back & forth. Had a hard time sleeping. Mind was trying to run all kinds of scenarios & assumptions about Wed night's talk.
W picks up kids this morning. Asks me to get coats since it is a bit chilly - I get a pair for kids. D2 has cream cheese all over her face - W asks her what she ate - bagel - I say yeah, all she does is just lick the cream cheese. We all just laugh - just a moment but it felt so normal. She is cooking pork chops - cya tonight.
No expectations. Really just want her to talk, look her in eye, validate her feelings & just LISTEN.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
You are doing very well. Keep your expectations low because these times of peace are great but its still just the beginning of a very long journey. You are handling things well and doing what is best for you and the kids.
One suggestion is when you are getting frustrated with the kids or your W the best thing to do is not get drawn into any R talk or what you are or are not doing for her. Neither of you are in the right frame of mind to get into those discussions it just turns into more of a blame game than anything. You may mean one thing but your W will always take it the wrong way.
When you were telling her all the things your are allowing her to do she is not taking it they way you mean it. You are saying I like what you are doing for the kids and me and that I like you being around. She is hearing you being condescending to her. Basically she sees it as you giving her the privilege to have a key to the house, do the laundry and wash the floor and she should be grateful that you allow her to do it. See what I am saying here.
Tonight when she brings up what happened with the kids and your growing impatience you need to explain that what you said was not what you meant. You were having a hard time with the kids, you were losing your patience and said stuff in the heat of the moment. It was wrong of me to unload like that on you and will work on that in the future. It had nothing to do with you and I had no right to act that way towards you.
Tread lightly tonight during your conversation with your W. It will more than likely not start out too well so stay focused and calm. If you do this it will turn around and it will end well. Just be prepared.
K, You are doing very well. Keep your expectations low because these times of peace are great but its still just the beginning of a very long journey. You are handling things well and doing what is best for you and the kids.
As always, thanks for the support. Glad to know others see the improvements so I know I am not deluding myself.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
One suggestion is when you are getting frustrated with the kids or your W the best thing to do is not get drawn into any R talk or what you are or are not doing for her. Neither of you are in the right frame of mind to get into those discussions it just turns into more of a blame game than anything. You may mean one thing but your W will always take it the wrong way.
Wholeheartedly agree.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
When you were telling her all the things your are allowing her to do she is not taking it they way you mean it. You are saying I like what you are doing for the kids and me and that I like you being around. She is hearing you being condescending to her. Basically she sees it as you giving her the privilege to have a key to the house, do the laundry and wash the floor and she should be grateful that you allow her to do it. See what I am saying here.
I understand what you are getting at here. Sometimes whey I post here I feel I need to abbreviate things so I don't bore myself or anyone else with the gory details.
When my w called back I was calming down. I let her vent on me - she was really animated in her words toward me. I calmly told her that I was not hearing her offer of help in a positive manner. She then started to calm down after that as well.
I was trying to make a point that I was ok with her at the house. Trying to take back some boundaries I set up that I now see as barriers. Just choosing to accept things has helped get rid of the hurt I felt every time she walked away. Just didn't know how to explain that to her so I phrased it in question format. I do see you points on how my approach would be perceived as being condescending - thanks!
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Tonight when she brings up what happened with the kids and your growing impatience you need to explain that what you said was not what you meant. You were having a hard time with the kids, you were losing your patience and said stuff in the heat of the moment. It was wrong of me to unload like that on you and will work on that in the future. It had nothing to do with you and I had no right to act that way towards you.
I guess I gave the impression I yelled - I didn't. I just felt that I was bitching & complaining to the WRONG person. I want her to think all is well at home, that I am handling things just fine without her. Acting as if things will move on at home without her being there. Felt I got carried away with where the discussion had gone & needed to end it.
If/when I do fall into my old habits of anger I will come back to reference what you wrote above - very good advice on how to handle an apology.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Tread lightly tonight during your conversation with your W. It will more than likely not start out too well so stay focused and calm. If you do this it will turn around and it will end well. Just be prepared.
Just trying to stay relaxed - been on my mind too much today. For all I know she could not even bring it up tonight so I am not doing any good thinking about a conversation that may or may not take place. But if it does, my focus is on her. Answer her questions, ask probing ones & follow ups to get her to open up.
Thanks again!
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
