I was thinking of a reply to one of my earlier posts and the poster (Mulligan) used the term "anti-rape" to describe how he/she felt about being sex-starved.
A person who has been raped has had possibly one of the worst experiences I could imagine and I know it affects them for years to come. I have been thinking a lot lately about that, and about how being sex-starved is affecting me physically, emotionally, intellectually, and psychologically.
Naturally, it made me curious to know how being sex-starved is effecting others in my situation.
Intellectually speaking this experience has taught me a lot. I now have a much deeper understanding of why people do or don't do things. All this therapy, discussion, and research has taught me more about biology, psychology, physiology, chemistry, medicine, and sexuality than I ever could have imagined I would know. Probably the most important thing I understand from all of this is that having a sex drive is normal and not having a sex drive is not normal. Even though, in the beginning, my wife tried to convince me that there was something wrong with me because I wanted sex so much. In fact, not only is it normal, from a "big picture" view, it is a requirement. Make no mistake about it, if you do not have a sex drive, there is something wrong. Something else I learned is that just because there is something wrong with your sex drive, you are not "broken" or less of a person. You just have something that needs to be addressed, like an illness or disease. The problem comes in when you don't want, or know how, to fix what is wrong.
The physical impact of being sex-starved, as well as the multitude of health benefits of frequent intercourse, is well researched by the scientific and medical community so I am not going to address that here. I can only tell of my experience as a man, and the physical effects are pretty significant. Here is what I have noticed:
1. Tension 2. Mild aggression 3. Frustration 4. Physical sadness 5. Dull genital aching 6. Anger at things I would not normally be angry about
Psychologically I am not sure how this is effecting me. This one I am somewhat concerned about because I don't really know what all this rejection and humiliation is going to do to me in the long run. I try not to worry about it since there is really not much I can do about it.
Emotionally is what is affecting me the most. I don't fully understand everything but I can tell you, that after a year of this, I am (and others are) beginning to notice some pretty big differences in my personality. Emotionally here is what I have experienced (in no particular order)
1. Confusion 2. Sadness 3. Anger 4. Withdrawal 5. Disbelief 6. Controlled 7. Taken for granted 8. Unappreciated 9. Unloved 10. Unattractive 11. Disrespected 12. Lost 13. A myriad of other feelings, most of them negative
It is so hard for me to really "get into" my relationship with my wife without this sexual piece. I feel like she is not taking the relationship (or my needs) seriously. I am beginning to feel like I made a huge mistake.
On the other side, I love my wife so much. Our marriage is really quite good as long as sex never comes up. I have made it a point not to bring up sex at all for the past few months. I worry about how this is affecting me too. I know it is, I just don't know how.
I am not trying to be egotistical here but I am an incredible husband. My wife will be the first to say it, and she does. I have been patient, supportive, kind, nurturing, and confident throughout our marriage. I have not pressured her, tried to change her, raised my voice at her, hit her, ignored her, or disrespected her in any way. I regularly give her flowers, leave her notes, take her shopping, tell her she looks nice, surprise her with gifts, take her on trips, read to her, help her with her homework, cook (and I am an awesome cook), do housework, have long and engaging conversations about her life, my life, and our lives together. I stand up for her when others disrespect her. I have made it possible for her to quit her job and follow her dream of going to college. I have done all these things and more, much more, and never wanted anything but her happiness in return. Now, for some reason, I am no longer motivated to do much of anything. It is almost as if I don't care...even though I do. Of course, if I allow my behavior to change as a result of the way I am feeling, our relationship will spiral into the abyss and the sexual issue will only get worse (as if it could).
For a time I wanted so much just to be more than just a "provider" to my wife. Hell, I would have loved it if she just wanted me as a piece of meat. Now, as a result of this long term suppression of my natural drives, I am finding myself not even wanting her company, even though I am completely in love with her. Does this make sense to anyone??
I could sign my name to your post, it is exactly what I would say too. All of the items on your lists are absolutely the same. In fact, I could simply repost the whole letter with my name. The profound pain and sadness that this non-sexual situation is causing is overwhelmingly damaging. I know that I have lost so much joy and I suspect the distress has shortened my lifespan and made me more susceptible to disease. If only our LD spouses could somehow, for a day, feel the weight of this burden that we have endured for too many years.
check out the post I just sent to Corri (Re: Women miss sex, too! [re: Corri ])
I don’t want to be so manipulated by my attraction for my wife. I’d have a great time if I could shut it off as needed but I can not. Most nights I roll over to hold my wife close while she sleeps and I ache physically and emotionally with desire and love. I want to turn away so I can sleep without this distraction but many times I can not bring myself to stop touching her even though it burns into my soul and body like a branding iron. I wake up exhausted and wanting her even more. Being tired or even sick doesn’t lower my libido enough. I want her sooooo bad. I don’t want her simply to allow me to screw her to satisfy my physical need; I want our passion for each other to drive us together in a head on collision of tangled pleasure. I want her to look at me with the lustful eyes that used to see me many years ago. At this point I’d gladly take a scheduled mechancial hand job if she would offer.
I would add these to the list of negative effects of this disease:
7. depression 8. inability to focus on tasks or conversation 9. shortened temper 10. listlessness and fatigue 11. disinterest in work and hobbies 12. inability to sleep 13. sluggishness 14. irritability 15. chest pain 16. dizziness 17. general unhappiness 18. self-doubt and questioning 19. decreased inability to enjoy anything
So many negative effects that could be erase by one of the most beautiful and natural acts known to humankind.
If there were a food item we were allergic to that caused all of these problems I have no doubt our LD spouses would move mountains to change our diet so that we could be healthy. Why do they ignore the relevance of a healthy sex life? It has be so well documented for eons. It is as if there is an alien conspiracy to undermine relationships.
I could have signed my name to your post to meatpup.
I have been without sexual contact for over a year.
Once, since we seperated she came over (about 4 months after we sep) and we were talking about sex. Well, we ended up in bed but right before consumation (penetration) she threw her hands up over her eyes and said STOP! She abruptly got up, got dressed and went outside.
We talked about it and she said "your my husband and I can't even have sex with you, what is wrong with me??" We had incredible sex before we seperated now its like it never existed, hell we havn't even kissed since then.
One thing I do notice is that when we are together we bond really well the longer together (i.e. 1/2 hour vs 2 hours or longer) but then as soon as she goes back to her place she becomes an alien again.
We have agreed to get re-married and pursue working us out but, i have no idea where her head is when it comes to intimacy again with me.
I am soooooooooooo sex starved, one thing for sure that I have learned is how to notice red flags way before they fly.
HF
Its kind of like I don't sexually exist with her anymore, but if we were able to make that critical connection that would help us immensly on our path to re-building.
Well I definitely feel for all of you on this thread. I too could very well post my name on Meatpuppets' post. My wife and I were seperated and are now back together. There has been many things that went down over the last 2 years that has created a lot of damage to our marriage. The one thing however that has been plaguing me in our marriage is the lack of intimacy. We have sex, or make love when she says so and never otherwise. I feel totally controlled by this and sense that she enjoys having this power over me. When I ask her to read TSSM so as to maybe get an understanding of how it is affecting me she can't seem to be bothered.
After reading all of your posts I am left wondering on how having a marriage such as this can be any good for ones health. The stress that I feel, as do you,can not be good for a person. I love my wife very much and having put up with all the things that have happened over the last couple of year will attest to this, but most days I wonder on how long I will last in a sex deprived marriage. As someone stated in one of these posts, it's not so much just having sex, but the connection I feel towards my wife. When we connect it is like a drug. She often states after we have been intimate on how loving and caring and supportive I am and that I would do anything for her but she then goes back to her old ways and the resentment starts to build in me and we then spirral towards dysfunction. I think that my wife is gorgeous and very sexy but she views this as just being horny and wanting to get my rocks off. She cannot and will not understand that a physical connection with her leads to an emotional one for me. Like the rest of you, all I want is to be desired and to be in the throws of passion.
I know that the theme here is to salvage our marriages and to work things out but is it possible that some things can never be worked out?
During your 2 year seperation was there any kind of sexual contact involved? My WAW has told me she wouldn't blame me a bit if I did, i have not however.
If you are asking if their was a physical affair, the answer is yes. The OM to this day is still trying to persue her, which of course is driving me out of my mind. She had carried this affair on and off for the last 2 years and it was always behind my back. I had one indiscretion (affair) at the beginning of all this when I found out she was seeing another man and we were seperated. I really did think it was over between her and I but to this day I regret having the affair. Why do you ask?
This is totally amazing!! I am reading all of the posts here from Meatpuppet on down..and I wonder..hmm..why isn't my H feeling like this??? I am so hungry for him..long to be held and the only time he does that is when he reaches for me when he is asleep!! Yet I have caught him in the act of self-gratification and he tells me..it is different!well ..yeah there is nobody but him there..exactly..NO BODY!! not mine at least..and somebody please explain this to me??? I have no clue why he is so distant..he knows I love to make love..I love loving him and yet he was attracted to some frumpy looking thing..and I am still not sure if anything ever happened with this OW..she swore NOT..but what do I believe, when nothing is happening here..After I heard him coming onto her we were at a real standstill..he begged me to forgive him..said he did not know what he was thinking..and was so sorry he hurt me..but made no attempt to come near me physically.. for 6 weeks!! I couldn't stand it anymore..so one nite I got into a sexy lacy nitie and said to him "I am going to go to bed and have sex ..would you care to join me?? He got all flustered and said UH Yeah!! the following week 3 x and then nothing again.. all of what is written by you is how I have felt..I have given all my energy to him, and feel forsaken, used, let down, unappreciated, uninspired and only good for taking care of a home, and responsibilities that do not include physical pleasures with my man!! Women have needs too..and yes..months can pass by without any interaction..It is so selfish to think that your partner is not hurt by this lack of affection and emotional bonding through passionate love making..It is a heart wrenching roller coaster ride..especially because when we are together, and loving each other, it is so wonderful..my face glows..and I see what the "lack of" is doing to me and my appearance..I feel like I am aging rapidly..I am looking at other men, whereas I never noticed before..I do not want to stray..I want to be loyal..as I have been for 12 years..this is not new to me..this has been going on for most of our married life..but it seems to get worse the longer we are married..used to be 2 or 3 weeks. now it is months..the longest was 6 months and when I approached him on it..he said NO Way!! cannot be that long!! I said yes it has been..don't you miss me at all??? He said he hadn't realized..so we tried..it was nothing but a total mess..I did not question him, I was patient, tried to be loving to him, and he turned his back to me and said he was a jerk and just wanted to go to sleep!! So where does that leave me?? is what I asked..he said what do you mean? I said well ..by turning your back on me?? that makes me feel shut out completely..can we cuddle?? Yeah I guess so..I was so sad..I felt like someone just died! that answer was to me like saying Yeah If I have to..meantime he used to laugh when his friends or his sisters husbands used to complain that sex was seasonal..He'd say he never had that problem with me! no..he didn't.. I did!! Healthy bodies are definitely what sexual people have..I agree..great for the circulation!! So this listless, lack of energy? what do you men have to tell me, as a woman who is starving, can try out on my H to maybe get back in the swing of things..and have a more active sex life..and don't tell me to come on to him..when I do, he cannot maintain..if you know what I mean !!! That's really great for my self-esteem..I feel like I don't turn him on anymore..yet, I have been told I am great looking and have a great body..but I found him surfing porn sites looking at women who are 300lbs!!Does any of this make sense to you?? HELP!!! This butterfly is turning into a moth who gets burned for her attraction to her man!!
Yet I have caught him in the act of self-gratification and he tells me..it is different!well ..yeah there is nobody but him there..exactly..NO BODY!! not mine at least..and somebody please explain this to me??? 
I have no clue why he is so distant..he knows I love to make love..I love loving him and yet he was attracted to some frumpy looking thing..and I am still not sure if anything ever happened with this OW..she swore NOT..but what do I believe, when nothing is happening here..After I heard him coming onto her we were at a real standstill..he begged me to forgive him..said he did not know what he was thinking..and was so sorry he hurt me..but made no attempt to come near me physically.. for 6 weeks!!
Women have needs too..and yes..months can pass by without any interaction..It is so selfish to think that your partner is not hurt by this lack of affection and emotional bonding through passionate love making..It is a heart wrenching roller coaster ride..especially because when we are together, and loving each other, it is so wonderful..my face glows..and I see what the "lack of" is doing to me and my appearance..I feel like I am aging rapidly..I am looking at other men, whereas I never noticed before..I do not want to stray..I want to be loyal..as I have been for 12 years..this is not new to me..this has been going on for most of our married life..but it seems to get worse the longer we are married..used to be 2 or 3 weeks. now it is months..the longest was 6 months and when I approached him on it..he said NO Way!! cannot be that long!! I said yes it has been..don't you miss me at all???
So this listless, lack of energy? what do you men have to tell me, as a woman who is starving, can try out on my H to maybe get back in the swing of things..and have a more active sex life..and don't tell me to come on to him..when I do, he cannot maintain..if you know what I mean 
!!! That's really great for my self-esteem..I feel like I don't turn him on anymore..yet, I have been told I am great looking and have a great body..but I found him surfing porn sites looking at women who are 300lbs!!Does any of this make sense to you?? HELP!!!