So my wife plays this online game and she spends all her time with another guy. This drives me crazy. She is a WAW and right now she says these people are just friends. They spend so much time together I just can't see how they can be friends. There has to be something building there. ...and if I cut her off then I'm going to be the bad guy. I can't stand sitting here thinking that she is building another relationship in our own house.
I'm doing a 180 now and I've stopped chasing her and all that. But I gotta say, I'm good with all that stuff but I think the time that she spends with this other person really is throwing a wrench into things for me. Argh.. This is so frustrating.
Oh my......you are telling my story! I did the very same thing as your wife is doing. I started out playing a game on the Internet b/c I was so bored with TV and that is all my H ever wanted to do. I gave up on him ever having a conversation with me at night, so i turned to playing games. I never flirted or anything like that b/c that was not what I was there for. But, eventually I met some people and did form innocent friendships. There was one man that I was especially fond of. Now, believe it or not, out of my lonliness of not having an intimate R with my H in many, many years, I got to where I couldn't wait to get home and contact this younger man and we would play the game, but then it got to just be "chating". He thought I was falling for him and I told him he was rediculas. I wasn't falling for him, but I know now that he was filling a void in my life. Well, anyway, after that ended, I sought out somebody else b/c by then I really was mpre lonely than ever. So, I started flirting wildly with people playing the games. That grew into more intense stuff and first thing you know, I had my own "friends list" that all consisted of men. Well, my H found out and confronted me about it. He had come in to see me playing the games and then he saw where they were on the webcam. What he didn't see was what I was doing behind his back. It was shameful. He told me upfront that I was addicted. I said nothing. Then I found out that he had read my IM to the "friends" and I was very humiliated and ashamed. But I was also very angry at him b/c I felt like he invaded my privacy by snooping. I know, it is crazy, but that is how I thought, and your wife will think the same thing if you snoop.
He told me to go delete all the people off my chat list. So, I did. But I was crying my heart out all the time b/c I did not want to do that. I felt like I was losing my "lifeline". Anyway, a few nights after that, I was on line and one of the men who I had deleted somehow still had me connected on his chat line and saw when I came on line and he came on and I grabbed hold and didn't let go. Now get this.....he was one of the least of the guys that I would had been attracted to, but I felt desparate. Yes, I was addicted and I had to have a "fix" to my addiction. So, of course, he said all the right things and I ate it up. But, my H eventually found out about that and forbid me to talk to him and took my webcam away and threatened to throw the computer out the back door. I resented it highly b/c I felt like he was treating me like a child. I saw him angry and he behaved in a manner I had never seen before and I did not like what I saw. Of course, he was not liking what he saw in me, either.
To make a long story short, I almost walked away b/c I was so much like having a MLC and in such a "fog' and so unhappy in my M and wanted a knight in shinning amour to rescue me......and what my H did and his attitude caused me to try to convince myself that I was in love with the OM. But, when a woman wants to make contact with OM, she will find a way. You can take her computer away or webcam or demand to know her passwords to the email.....it doesn't matter....she will find another way to contact him. And, I did it secretly. Finally, I came here and the folks here got my head turned around and I listened and I learned a lot. I read everything anyone suggested and run up my credit card buying books....lol. But it was worth it. So, I encourage you to stay with us b/c it did help me to stay in the home with my H and not walk away. I came so close and told him to back off or I was leaving. In the meantime, I learned from the board until I could give up the OM. It was very, very hard. But, everything they told me was true.
So, back to you and your wife and the same thing she is into. She is probably telling you that it is nothing serious and they are just friends......and if she has just started this, it may be in that stage....but trust me, it won't last but a few days until it will rapidly go into the next stage. So, what do you do? Well, for one thing, don't make demands like you were her father b/c she will rebell just like a teenager. Don't show your anger and make threats of throwing out the computer, etc. That won't solve anything and will just make her more sneaky. Don 't start smothering her. My H went so long neglecting me and then when he found out about the OM, he almost smothered me to death and it made me sick. He would tell me he loved me just to make me say it back to him.....and I resented it. A woman can tell when her H is saying that as pressure to make her say it back. Plus he would say it in almost a snide way.....and I picked up on that! I knew there was a different meaning behind it. You can just tell in the way a person says it.
If you have not read the Divorce Remedy book by Michelle, that is a must! It is your tools in how to save the M. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is to outshine these other men. Don't fall all over her and try to smother her. Don't do anything that is like pressure to her. But as you come back, we can talk more about what to do and not to do.
What were you like when she fell in love with you? Have you become boring to her? Do you do things with her that are fun? Do you surprise her with romantic things or fun things? Are you sexy or out of shape? Are there some self improvements you need to make? How about your clothes? Do they need upgrading? Ever thought of making a change in your appearance? Something different can be good. Boredom can kill a marriage! My advice is to have things planned to keep her busy and away from that computer b/c she is already hooked. I got to where I resented my children coming by to visit b/c it took me away from my computer time! Now that is bad! But that is what happens. She will start neglecting everything in her life b/c all she will want to do is spend time on the Internet chatting with men. It is as strong as a drug. That is her drug of choice and she doesn't even know it.
Well, I have talked too long, but just wanted you to know that I have been there where your wife is now. I want to help you if I can. But, you have to come here to talk to me. You can go to other threads to post to people and it will help build you a support group. I would keep your thread here, but you can go outside to other forums. If you don't get very many replys, go to the Newcomers and you will get more. But try to stay here for a while.
Don't give up. Get the book and read it. Don't try to get her to read any M books or anything like that b/c she isn't going to be interested in it. The DR book is for you....not her. Don't give away your game plan. Don't try to get her to read this board.
Talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Read what Sandi wrote carefully. This online thing is every bit as dangerous to your relationship as a flesh and blood affair. Plus, it's easier to "cheat"...she doesn't even have to leave. Plus, she can tell you that you are being ridiculous. Your marriage won't turn the corner to anything better as long as it's going on. Perhaps you should get one of those key-logger programs and confront her with proof...then turn off internet service.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
