I was thinking of a reply to one of my earlier posts and the poster (Mulligan) used the term "anti-rape" to describe how he/she felt about being sex-starved.
A person who has been raped has had possibly one of the worst experiences I could imagine and I know it affects them for years to come. I have been thinking a lot lately about that, and about how being sex-starved is affecting me physically, emotionally, intellectually, and psychologically.
Naturally, it made me curious to know how being sex-starved is effecting others in my situation.
Intellectually speaking this experience has taught me a lot. I now have a much deeper understanding of why people do or don't do things. All this therapy, discussion, and research has taught me more about biology, psychology, physiology, chemistry, medicine, and sexuality than I ever could have imagined I would know. Probably the most important thing I understand from all of this is that having a sex drive is normal and not having a sex drive is not normal. Even though, in the beginning, my wife tried to convince me that there was something wrong with me because I wanted sex so much. In fact, not only is it normal, from a "big picture" view, it is a requirement. Make no mistake about it, if you do not have a sex drive, there is something wrong. Something else I learned is that just because there is something wrong with your sex drive, you are not "broken" or less of a person. You just have something that needs to be addressed, like an illness or disease. The problem comes in when you don't want, or know how, to fix what is wrong.
The physical impact of being sex-starved, as well as the multitude of health benefits of frequent intercourse, is well researched by the scientific and medical community so I am not going to address that here. I can only tell of my experience as a man, and the physical effects are pretty significant. Here is what I have noticed:
1. Tension 2. Mild aggression 3. Frustration 4. Physical sadness 5. Dull genital aching 6. Anger at things I would not normally be angry about
Psychologically I am not sure how this is effecting me. This one I am somewhat concerned about because I don't really know what all this rejection and humiliation is going to do to me in the long run. I try not to worry about it since there is really not much I can do about it.
Emotionally is what is affecting me the most. I don't fully understand everything but I can tell you, that after a year of this, I am (and others are) beginning to notice some pretty big differences in my personality. Emotionally here is what I have experienced (in no particular order)
1. Confusion 2. Sadness 3. Anger 4. Withdrawal 5. Disbelief 6. Controlled 7. Taken for granted 8. Unappreciated 9. Unloved 10. Unattractive 11. Disrespected 12. Lost 13. A myriad of other feelings, most of them negative
It is so hard for me to really "get into" my relationship with my wife without this sexual piece. I feel like she is not taking the relationship (or my needs) seriously. I am beginning to feel like I made a huge mistake.
On the other side, I love my wife so much. Our marriage is really quite good as long as sex never comes up. I have made it a point not to bring up sex at all for the past few months. I worry about how this is affecting me too. I know it is, I just don't know how.
I am not trying to be egotistical here but I am an incredible husband. My wife will be the first to say it, and she does. I have been patient, supportive, kind, nurturing, and confident throughout our marriage. I have not pressured her, tried to change her, raised my voice at her, hit her, ignored her, or disrespected her in any way. I regularly give her flowers, leave her notes, take her shopping, tell her she looks nice, surprise her with gifts, take her on trips, read to her, help her with her homework, cook (and I am an awesome cook), do housework, have long and engaging conversations about her life, my life, and our lives together. I stand up for her when others disrespect her. I have made it possible for her to quit her job and follow her dream of going to college. I have done all these things and more, much more, and never wanted anything but her happiness in return. Now, for some reason, I am no longer motivated to do much of anything. It is almost as if I don't care...even though I do. Of course, if I allow my behavior to change as a result of the way I am feeling, our relationship will spiral into the abyss and the sexual issue will only get worse (as if it could).
For a time I wanted so much just to be more than just a "provider" to my wife. Hell, I would have loved it if she just wanted me as a piece of meat. Now, as a result of this long term suppression of my natural drives, I am finding myself not even wanting her company, even though I am completely in love with her. Does this make sense to anyone??
