Great handling of the friend/vacation question, and I hope you have fun at the outlet village.
I think it's interesting that he's being distant. He's obviously doing some thinking and having a bit of 'cave' time. I hope tonight goes well...remember 'no expectations'!
Thanks :). I have gotten really used to looking at these boards on my Blackberry, and posting in situations where I shouldn't, like at a bar etc.
Now I don't think we're going to the outlets anymore. They are about 90 minutes drive north, in Northern Ireland, and H has a 7 AM flight tomorrow morning. The last thing I'd want to do is have him feel rushed and pressured, since he's also trying to finish this assignment for school, so I said that maybe we should just go another time. Then I also suggested that instead we could just go to dinner or a movie or something if he wanted, and of course got the classic, "we'll see." Ugh. He wants things to be different between us, but then when I am here, seems to make very little effort. Well, I am just going to stay positive, try my best to sidestep any R talks, and go with his flow...Anything I suggest might be viewed as pressure. At this point I am not sure how anything I do could seem pressuring, but going to continue to err on the side of caution...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I seriously don't know how much more of this I can take...
H started the R talk and there was nothing I could do. He said he was really unhappy, and that nothing had changed from when he had asked for a D. I tried to remain calm, and I did for quite awhile, but now I'm crying and he's seen it again.
He keeps saying that he wants to move out, and that he is so depressed being around me. He said that last weekend in Galway he only had fun because he drank so much, and that he had to drink to be able to enjoy my company.
Seriously I don't know if I can take this anymore. I am so unhappy now, and I can't stop crying, and I can't believe how cruel he is.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'm sorry that happened. I know we are not supposed to believe what they say but you do need to listen to the way he is talking to you. I think he is still being abusive to you and that it is not healthy for you to be around him. I am not saying your relationship cannot work I just think you need to get away from him for awhile for your own mental health. He is being very hostile and mean to you and whether he means to be or not the fact is that it is verbal abuse.
I know how much you want this to work and how much you want to save your marriage and how hard you have tried and are trying but where does it end with taking his abuse. He is using you as a verbal punching bag. In my honest opinion I think you need to get out of the house and be by yourself for awhile. I just can't see how staying with him, when he is acting this way, is going to help your case and it is certainly not going to help you mentally and emotionally.
Take care of yourself first ITH. You are infinatly more important that your marriage.
Since yours is a case where your D was busted, can you tell me whether/how often your H said he wanted a D?
H wasn't abusive tonight, but it just caught me off guard. I thought things were different than they were, and I am not sure how much more I can take this. I feel really stupid and like I have been reading too much into the signs like our picture being out etc. I am seriously, 100% heartbroken.
He keeps saying things like "you know what is happening with us". If I weren't in a foreign country, I am not sure things would be as hard as they are now...
We've been talking about hanging out over Xmas etc., and I feel like I have been so pathetic, this is just not me...I don't know what I am going to do...I have broken every DB rule yet again. I have cried, plead for counseling etc. He leaves tomorrow through Wednesday, and I will certainly not be here when he gets back. He has said he would stay some nights here if he moved out etc. as a compromise, but I just can't believe that I am in this place. I really can't believe it and I feel so lost...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hey ITH, I'm so sorry for what is happening. You've been reading about all the changes going on now and I was really worried for you that something might burst through like this. Your H has been acting in a very passive aggressive way for a while. I do agree with Daisy, but you always rush to defend him.
You said in an earlier post that he had poked you.. I really thikn your H has some serious deep seated issues with love, giving and receiving love, intimacy, I dont know what.. but he is verbally abusive, I agree.
I'm so sorry you are in a state, but of course you are, after his tirade. You are only human, its counter productive to keep DBing when someone is talking ot you like that. Now is a time for honesty. You cant stop him wanting what he wants or doing what he needs to do by NOT saying things, or creeping in and out of the house and sitting in front of DVDs night after night not talking. I really am sorry, becuase he was cruel, I agree and I am sure its so hard for you right now and you must be upset.
I think its awful that he would tell you he is depressed becasue of being around you (BS, he has issues) and that he had to drink to get through the weekend.. it was his idea to go! He is emotionally immature and as everyone said to me ITH, ITS NOT YOU ITS HIM.
In terms of saving this M... you have to back off and give him what he wants or else this is only going to get worse. If you love him, set him free. I know its horrible and hard, but what choice do you have? All this at the moment is happening for a reason. I see so many peoples sitches coming to a head this weekend in one way or the other, but its not the end is it, its just change and a new way of doing things, a shift.
Look after yourself and dont beat yourself up for crying on him or begging and pleading, I would be the same and its totally understandable. We are all here for you, scant consolation I know.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I seriously don't know what I'm going to do next. I know H is leaving around 5 AM for his biz trip tomorrow, and I have never been so depressed in my life. He kept saying that if I weren't as sweet as I am, he would have walked out long ago. I have been nothing but loving, and I just seriously don't understand being treated this way...
I tried to understand why he felt so unhappy around me, and this led nowhere. His actions contradict his words. The picture and the DB book told me that he wanted me around again, as did his phone calls and texts.
Then he said that I need to let him go and if he returns he's all mine, but that he won't return. He'll think about going to counseling with me. He is so guilt-ridden that he can't handle it. I made the huge mistake of saying that he was having a midlife crisis and I was sick of it. He then went on to dispute this, and how he didn't want younger women or a fast car...I just tried to extricate myself from the situation while he told me that maybe I was having the midlife crisis...
I don't know what to do...to think a few hours ago I thought things were going at least OK. I don't get it, why he would want to spend nights with me, but not want anything more. I am completely devastated...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hey ITH, I was nothing but loving from May - November, when my ex insisted on leaving too, he was adamant and also pretty cruel at the time. He later went on to contact me (3 months later) bit by bit and we ended up with whole weekends together by June, 9 months after he left me. It always struck me that you two had not really had a proper split, he had valiantly tried to paper over hte cracks in his head.
You have to give him what he wants (or thinks he wants). I'm so sorry for the pain you are in, I know how bad it is, I really do, I feel for you. I sobbed for hours, every day, for weeks, months. Today, I cooked a curry, watched a great TV show, started a novel. I'm not happy, but I'm fine. Yuo wont stay this way.
What can you do? You have to let him go, you have to lovingly let him go. Its the hardest thing that you will ever do. None of us know whats in the future or round the corner, but for now, be kind, be his friend, dont be angry, dont make him guilty, accept what he is saying with your mind, even if your haart cant bear it.
Your H is VERY mixed up. He seems to have a tonne of issues, respect being one of them. He is non-communicative, he's not honest, he's a bit verbally abusive, he needs to learn humility and he needs space. You dont know what may happen if you actually lovingly give him the space he is asking for, thats all I can advise you.
Its positive that he said he MAY go to C with you - my ex flat refused, eventhough I begged him purely as a means of helping ME with the shock of the break up. I agree though that he cant 'face it' as he is so guilt ridden right now. You need to let him go and try not to be devastated right now, it will mean he wont be able to speak to you after he leaves. I dont know, he says some pretty mixed up things, so to get away, to give him what he wants right now is your only choice I think?
Really thinking of you ITH Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm so sad for you, I wish I had comforting words. I just really feel it is time to let go and move on with your own life and give your H the time and space he needs/wants now. Staying is not going to be good for you and it is not going to fix him or change his mind. I know this is still very raw and emotional so I am not suggesting you make a plan right now but maybe over the next few days since he will be gone start thinking about what YOU want to do, where YOU want to live, what will make YOU happy. It's time to let go and live for yourself. I know that sounds awful but it is the only thing you can do now and it is ultimatly the thing that will save you.
I will keep you in my prayers tonight. I hope things look better in the morning.
My hubby mentioned "not being together" but very rarely if ever actually used the term divorce, that was more my style in the beginning when I first moved out. Even when we would have horrendous fights (some you have read about here and others before I started posting here) he would not say "I want a divorce"
I can't remember him saying that ever.
I don't think that means very much to your situation though. Mine is very different. My hubby was never really a true WAH I don't think, looking back. Maybe like 75% WAH, 25% fed up and confused. I don't know.
Just because your H throws the term around does not mean much. I used to say it to my hubby all the time when we would fight. I'd pack my bag and scream "it's over, I'm divorcing you!" or "the papers will be in the mail!" Ugh. And yet I am here everyday and working on myself and my marriage. So words really do not mean much. Try not to get too upset about it. We all say things we do not mean. Some more than others.
