Angry, though, may be an understatement. This seems to be a cycle. I screwed up fantasy #1 when I confronted her about the A, then again in July when I called the OMW, and now again when I refused to meet her half way with anything (bedroom, house, D).
Most of the time I have been able to let her cr@p roll right off me. Sometimes it does seem to claw into my back.
Slow and steady... Patience and no expectations... Wine and beer (oops, did I say that... )
Unconditional love - frick that is hard at this time!
Geez, Karen must be rubbing off on me - so many smilies...
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
One other thing the MC said.....I have ruined her "fantasy" life....of course she is gonna be angry. I hope all this makes some kinda sense?!?!?
BINGO. Some wayward spouses have even VOCALIZED that, if you can believe it, as in "You ruined my affair!" and "You spoiled all the FUN I was having!!"
Thank goodness my wife -- although livid with me at times, don't get me wrong -- never said anything of those things, because I don't think I could have handled it.
I understand this anger thing - well, ok I don't understand it BUT I see it (and am living it).
I can also see how LBS reach the end of their rope and become WAS themselves. Only so much capacity for tolerance. Sometimes it is a fine line, and I think I am trying to keep a balance on that line in the last couple days.
The RIGHT thing... not the EASY thing... must remember that!
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I found it helpful to not do so much "temperature-checking" with my wife. Just assume she's in "one of her moods," and if it's anything OTHER than that, not even read too much into THAT.
At first, there was a time where "bad = good" and "good = bad" applied, because it was a major clue as to whether or not she was in contact and getting OM fix. But once I KNEW they were in contact, and she wasn't even really denying it, I stopped trying to read her mood all the time.
It helped with my compassion toward her to think of her as ADDICTED.
This seems to be a cycle. I screwed up fantasy #1 when I confronted her about the A, then again in July when I called the OMW, and now again when I refused to meet her half way with anything (bedroom, house, D).
Yep, I think it's that. My H had unbelievable fantasies about how D is going to make everything in our lives perfect. Reality can be such a bummer! I also think maybe it's projection: the angry stuff he says at me is probably mostly directed at himself. Maybe it's easier to do the things they do when they try to make an enemy out of you; who would act like they do to a friend? Lately, I just think these people need serious counseling!!!
I don't have the same goals as I did when I started. You know, get the H back was probably my major (only?) goal at first. Then started to focus more on me and the kids. I think I sleep pretty well at night doing the right things for our family, the kids, and myself. Just the right thing to do. I do know I've done 100% for our M that I could and that gives me some peace that H will never have.
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Geez, Karen must be rubbing off on me - so many smilies...
Sorry, I know they can be so addictive! I always think well just one more! Karen
BINGO. Some wayward spouses have even VOCALIZED that, if you can believe it, as in "You ruined my affair!" and "You spoiled all the FUN I was having!!"
Thank goodness my wife -- although livid with me at times, don't get me wrong -- never said anything of those things, because I don't think I could have handled it.
Puppy
I think you could have! You know I was thinking isn't that kind of some of our minor goals with DBing: to ruin their affair and/or spoil the fun they're having??? Maybe that's just petty little old me?? Karen
It helped with my compassion toward her to think of her as ADDICTED.
Puppy
Puppy, I think you're 100% right. Have you ever noticed that most of us literally seem to have addicts for our WAS? Addicted to sex, alcohol, gambling, or whatever. My H is a sober alcoholic but had a series of addictions before OW. And his behavior with OW has been like a crack addict, and I think H sees me as an obstacle to getting the OW fix or something... Karen
BINGO. Some wayward spouses have even VOCALIZED that, if you can believe it, as in "You ruined my affair!" and "You spoiled all the FUN I was having!!"
Thank goodness my wife -- although livid with me at times, don't get me wrong -- never said anything of those things, because I don't think I could have handled it.
Puppy
I think you could have! You know I was thinking isn't that kind of some of our minor goals with DBing: to ruin their affair and/or spoil the fun they're having???
I don't know, but it's certainly always been part of MY approach!!
It helped with my compassion toward her to think of her as ADDICTED. Puppy
That helps to a point, but sometimes the ADDICTION becomes too much to bear. I think I have reached my ADDICTION limit right now.
(((((Lost))))) Hang in there...Supermom can't keep up her Glinda the Good Witch routine for long. Being someone you aren't is tiresome and you tend to fall back into old patterns. Just sit back and watch the show.
Keep the faith bud. Thats all you can do.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
This seems to be a cycle. I screwed up fantasy #1 when I confronted her about the A, then again in July when I called the OMW, and now again when I refused to meet her half way with anything (bedroom, house, D).
)
Karen