Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Well my H is over now and is going to do Halloween with us and the kids but has told me he needs to leave by 9pm or so ... he has a party to go to with OW. UGH!!!!
We just went over our schedule through rest of year.. we decided that we'd share most weekends and one of us would have one night and all day with the kids instead of the whole weekend.. is this the right decision? I don't think I'm ready for my girls to be away from me the whole weekend yet. But I feel I'm still enabling him to cake eat and have it easy??? thoughts
On this note he is getting his furnished apartment tomorrow (1 bedroom) he thinks with our 6 month old it might be easier if he still stays at the house (he is still helping pay for) with the kids and I suggested that I would stay at the apartment or friends when he has his nights with the kids... I know this will help me during this transition not being away from them and them not being in a strange small place... am I still allowing him to have it the easy way out???
for all of you with little kids or some of the vets... how would you handle? I hate the thought of him taking them the whole weekend and the OW could start showing up etc ... but I feel he needs to at some point start living like a Divorced person since this is what he wants... get a taste of it...
Also, Holiday's he wants to spend with us and the kids... Christmas I'm ok with but not sure Thanksgiving... am I making this too easy on him??
I get the tough love from some of you and then I get the ... more time he is with us he is not with OW???
thoughts and suggestions welcomed...
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi Tx Mom, Well glad he got an apt. As you know my H got his own too, but we see that he spends 95% of the time going to OW's house. All smoke and mirrors.
I would have H watch the kids at your house. Since they are so small I think what is familiar will be easier on them. I know staying at his place might be difficult for you and maybe H does not want you to stay in "his space". Let us know his thoughts.
As far as the OW -- tough to say. It might be good for her to see the kids and really know what she is getting into, and this won't be a cake walk for her. It is responsibility, it is being grownup. Right now she has just the fun part. Wait till H has to break plans because the kids are sick or other family crisis. As with my H this A is new (well actually almost 5 months for my H) and 3 months for yours. So it is still exciting. We have to wait it out.
Holidays? Tough call. If H wants to spend the time with his family maybe I would let him to both Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I might be too softhearted. A reality check could be that not having his family might be a wake up call. A tough one to decide.
Take care and be strong. I think it will be a long haul. Will keep praying for our families everyday.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
well, I'm one of the ones that believes in allowing the WAS spend time if they want to.
I think on the kids, do what is best for them, and I would agree that them staying home might be best for now. Hopefully things will turn around and they'll never have to go to another home.
If you choose this, then specifically say, I would love for the kids to stay at the house where they would be more comfortable, but I need your commitment to keep any contact with OW out of the house, not just for me, but for the kids. Can you do that?
on the holidays, if you really feel like him not coming to thanksgiving, I don't think it's a big deal. Just know he might be going to HER families parties.
I just realized the age differences. I'm thinking your H knows that he doesn't want to be with this girl forever. But she makes him feel good and feel young again. Their R is going to be short lived. IMHO. You just need to start learning to be fun, to take care of yourself physically and mentally (if your not already) and be carefree. For your H to want to stay at your house, and come to holiday things, shows me you have a lot of hope in this sitch.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
ST I made it - thanks for your insight.... always welcomed... I don't know what my H thinks about OW but he thinks he loves her.... I hope and pray I still can get my marriage back..
journaling....
Boy this week is a hard one... I'm am just so sad.. sad for failing my marriage, sad for my future without H. Sad for all the memories he is creating with OW and soooo sad for my girls and for me to have to give them over to my H and I'm not with him/them to enjoy.
My H doesn't seem sad, doesn't seem hurt, he has been 70% accountable to the girls, but does slip once or so a week... but is it just a guy thing, or his thing... maybe the H I had and the great Dad he is/was wasn't really him. Men don't have those maternal instincts, and don't miss there kids like Moms do ... it is just different. I'm scared that my H isn't having a MLC, or isn't in a "fog" that he is ok and just happy in this new relationship.
I also feel like I want to share with him my feelings, why do I need to play the games? Why is it so wrong if I called him when I was crying and just say I'm sad this has gotten so bad? I feel at some point I need him to just talk to me, I'm doing all the suffering and he is just as happy as can be, honestly I don't see any guilt or sadness anymore like I did the first 3 weeks he moved out.. I think he is getting comfortable with his new life style. I don't think he cares what he is doing to the family, kids. I have to believe at some point he'll have a moment when the dust settles and he is out of the newness of this relationship with OW that he'll look back and say " gosh what have I done" or " gosh I wish I would have tried harder for my marriage" ....
I feel I won't be able to fully move on and have closure if I don't get answers someday, do counseling with him, get some closure from him... I know now isn't the time but I hope someday he will be able to talk to me about all this and what really drove him to leave me.
I'm tired of loosing minutes, hours, days to sadness or anger... I want to truely feel happy again... don't get me wrong I am happier and have come a long way in little over 2 months since bomb.. but I still have too many moments where I just have pain and feel like a failure... I know it will take time.... and I hate it... hate that this journey will be so long and so painful... the emotional cycles I'm going through are driving me crazy...
I don't want my marriage to end.... somedays I still can't believe this is happening
how to push through?? how to have strength to make my changes and make H want me and our family again.... Gosh I pray and I know God is listening but somedays I don't hear his response... what is he trying to tell me... _________________________
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
A wise poster on my thread told me a month or so ago..."You can't hear what God's telling you if don't be still and listen." What she was trying to get me to understand is that once I gave my sitch over to God, I really had to let go. I had to stop worrying about it, stop wondering about it, stop blaming myself, stop blaming him, and certainly stop trying to figure out what I needed to do to fix it.
It took me so long to let go. I'm sure I still haven't in some ways. But, I'm working on that. When I begin to wonder whether H will show up at one of S6's practices...I simply stop and say, "Hey, Amy, not your problem. You gave that one to God." It might sound a little dramatic, but it really does help. And, everytime I start to get that really sick feeling in my stomach...you know the one...about what he and OW might be doing at a given moment, I stop and say, "God, please take these images away. They are not good for me, and they are not good for my family."
I've really begun to consider my sitch a wake up call of sorts. It think God has some work he wants me to do, and I was not tuned into that before. I haven't figured out yet what it is (or maybe it's simply to be more focused on my kids), but I keep asking Him about it. He'll reveal His plan for me in time.
In the meantime, if you can let go, it will help. I honestly believe that the convo. I had with H on Monday wasn't so bad. Because I was sort of detached. I expressed regret and frustration, but I was also able to tell him (and really mean it for the first time) that I knew I'd be fine without him and so would the boys. Since that convo., H has made plans to eat with us for S6's b'day party and for S6's b'day on Thanksgiving. He's also returned my ladder (so I can get my Christmas stuff from the attic) and brought to the house his running bag since I mentioned needing to get one for my race next week. He just said that he wasn't using his so I might as well. In addition, this morning, instead of coming in the house to drop off the boys things, he knocked. I didn't answer (I didn't hear the knock) so he left them on the porch. That's the first time he's respected that boundary.
I'm not saying that things in my sitch are any better than they were last week as far as marriage restoration goes, but I do believe that H has relaxed a little in response to feeling less pressure from me. That's maybe allowing him to be a little more "friendly" and a little more respectful. Whether he comes home eventually or not, I want him to be friendly and respectful to me...I want my boys to see their dad that way.
I'd love to tell you that we will both get the answers we need in time, but I'm not sure that's true. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not. I don't think either of our H's have really stopped to think about things the way we have. They probably wouldn't even be able to really give you truthful answers anyway. They have created their own reality. For the time, your H may be happy. But, I believe that will fade. I think DB'ing is just supposed to allow us to retain some dignity so that when that does fade, he'll look at you and say, "Wow! Now that's a real woman." Rather than be disgusted at how pitiful you are!
You are doing great! I can't imagine how I would have managed 3 years ago when my kids were the ages of yours. Just hang in there. Turn the sitch over to God...really turn it over and let go. That's about all you can do...you have to focus your energy on work and the kids!!!
We'll get through this!
BTW, my run next weekend is in San Antonio. I'll be there Friday through Monday if you want to take a road trip while H has the girls.
Hugs to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I'm boarding my flight so more later.. but I think you are running in the same race my neighbors are... the rock n roll marathon?? something like this??
I might consider this actually - more later on this.
thx
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Txmom, I could have written Amy's post myself! High five, Amy! I believe in the same process of giving this battle over to God. I also struggle with what H and OW are doing and my internal phrase is, "stop it, Satan." Laying this down doesn't mean that you can't feel your sadness, He sees every tear you cry. Just like Amy said, hopefully you get to a point where you realize that it is God who is doing the work on your H and it is not your job to fix.
I also agree that this is meant to propel us to a higher level. I don't know what my endpoint will be, but some days I absolutely feel this rush inside of me. I know God is carrying me.
I did get the opportunity to tell H my feelings earlier this week (b/c he acted like a total jerk, see T2L's thread). I feel like it was a positive thing in the end b/c he has apologized non stop since that night, and now I don't sit and go, "if he only knew how much I've sacrificed for him this past year!" He knows. And, I think he was really surprised to hear it all. Not that it will change anything, but it made me feel stronger to keep moving forward. I know that if this marriage doesn't reconcile, H has a clear picture of what he's done and all the crap he left in his wake. BTW, I don't recommend sitting down to have this discussion. No R talk is still a great rule. It came up for me b/c my H screwed up bigtime and I needed to stand up for myself.
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Hey Txmom, even though your children are so much younger (and you too!), this happened to us the same time. I know how you feel. We feel we need an explanation. There is no explanation--they are whacked out right now and that is it. Don't ask H if he is going to marry her -- H thinks he is going to marry her. The R is too new and still very exciting. But in the future it will start to unravel even if we decide we want to be done. That is because while we are making all kinds of changs and GAL -- guess what it is the same old H but just making the same mistakes with a new woman. It will get old quick
Amy, Someone told me the same thing about taking time to listen to God. I am trying and most of the times it is my own thoughts and plans clogging up my brain and heart. I am working on it. TxMom I know we backslide but we are human, so we need to pick ourselves up and keep trying. That marriag is dead -- I never want to go back to it. What I want is same H but the way our marriage should be and surrounded by God's plan.
take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
