Thanks peace and NA- It has been a pretty good week with my H...maybe that is because we haven't seen much of each other...ha! We went to the party on Saturday and we had a great time. I was busy on Sunday and Monday so I didn't see him. Tuesday I kind of got into a funk about things so I sent him a text to ask if he would call me. He did call but didn't really want to hear me talk about my frustrations with us because he was stressed out about work. We compromised...he vented a little and I told him a little of what I was feeling. It was good that we were able to hear each other.
My H has been trying to figure out how to coordinate things this weekend for his business trip. He invited me to go with him...and I have been a little skiddish about it since he has retracted previous invitations. Yesterday H was trying to figure out how to get where he need to be when he need to be there but I didn't fit easily into the picture. He and I went around and around about how work things out...I finally told my H that he should just go but he didn't want to do that either. Finally he came up with a plan that seemed to work for both of us and booked it. At one point, my H said our inability to figure things out was bringing back his issues of things being laborious (his word) in our relationship. I think he felt better when we got things figured out and when I gave him kudos for coming up with a good solution. I hope it will be a nice weekend.
We had C last night and I brought up that my H had talked about moving out of his apartment by the end of the year and if things don't work out with us, he will buy a condo. During the session, my H made some other comment about "if" thing work out with us. The C had to laugh at my H because he said he is the master at minimalization. My H talked about his fear of coming home and then he would be responsible for my happiness. He wants to maintain some of his autonomy...and he fears me becoming too emotionally dependent on him. I have heard this before...but how are we going to know if things have changed if we don't try things again. I hope we are getting closer giving things a try.
Last night he said again that he wouldn't be going to C if he didn't want the M to work.
He came over after C and spent a little time with me and the kids.
So, today I am enjoying more positive movement. It is hard not to have expectations that it will continue...but I am trying.
Upside that all seems very positive I think a lot of men feel they need to make us happy and if we are not happy they have failed smile more around him and practice your pma we really do it for us also interesting what he said about dealing or not wanting to deal with the struggles(labor) in R I think this is the adolescent in them that magically thinks all R should flow with no work But we all know any M will have some struggles Your H sounds very there..he seems close and also seems like he wants this to work so go with the ups and downs peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I used to really love Halloween and it doesn't even feel like Halloween to me. I think it is because my kids are older now aren't really into it as much and since I moved I don't get any trick or treaters.
Once Halloween is over, I feel like the Holidays almost immediately start and I am not feeling ready for that...I wish things were more settled with me and H...oh well, time start remembering all the things I am thankful for and I am very thankful for many things in my life.
Hi peace- I agree that I need to keep my PMA up around my H...not something I have always done a lot of throughout our M. I was frequently frustrated by my step-D and I either stuck him in the middle or I just shut down. I know, especially now, with all of the stress my H has at work that the last thing he needs is to come home to more stress. Thank you for the reminder.
Hey glam- My H has said several times that he wants to make a decision by the end of the year but he has set deadlines for himself before and nothing happened. He is ready to get out of his apartment...but is he ready to move home??? I think he is trying to get there. I am just afraid he could scare himself and run the other way. I remind myself of that to try to keep my expectations in check...no matter how hard I try though, those little expectations creep in. This isn't easy.
I really wish I knew what, if anything, is working.
Hey grace- Thanks...I had a great time on Halloween. I went to an adult birthday party and had a wonderful time.
My H and I went to AZ on Saturday and came back late yesterday afternoon. We really did have a wonderful time and stayed at a beautiful old hotel. It was so nice and it felt so normal...it was almost like the last 20 months haven't happened. Other than my H going to his meeting for a couple of hours, we just relaxed at the hotel...went to the pool for awhile and had a nice dinner at the hotel. In the morning we even had room service bring breakfast and we lounged around and watched an old movie. Now, I was very good and there was no R talk until we were heading back and I asked my H if he made plans for Christmas. He told me he did make reservations to go on a trip with his D leaving Christmas day. I very calmly explained to him my thoughts and feelings about him doing that. I told him that I understand that he wants to do something with his D and he has every right to do that but it would have been nice if he had discussed his plans with me before he booked the trip. To me, his actions show that he is not thinking of us as a couple. He understands what I am saying and admits that he acted selfishly...but then he tries to justify his behavior saying that he is afraid to come back to the M because we could get into his old patterns and how I don't understand how hard it was for him to leave 20 months ago. I brought up his comment about moving by the year end and that he actions weren't showing me that he is working toward that. He joked that he had bought some raffle tickets to win a condo at the beach and that he is going to win and move there. After that he listed a bunch of excuses why we shouldn't get back together, most of which I had heard before. I got a little quiet after that. My H sensed my frustration and became much more affectionate. When we got back home, my H told me he would call me later...and, of course, he didn't.
I called my H this morning and I told him that he is entitled to live his life however he wants but I am as well. I want someone who wants to be with me. He told me that he knows he wants his cake and to eat it too. He says he doesn't want to give up control in his life and comes up with more reasons and excuses why he doesn't he shouldn't move back He even told me that I should have given him an ultimatum so it would have forced him to come home. We left the conversation with nothing resolved. After thinking about everything, I called him back and told him that he should find someone to do his bookkeeping and that he didn't need to go to C with me tonight. He was angry that I called during the business day to tell him this and he told me he will call me back when he is done with his meeting but it doesn't really matter...time is up...I know I want more than he is willing to give now and I deserve better.
There are probably a lot of you here that think I should continue to be patient and understanding...but I am tired of just going around in circles...I don't think it will stop unless I put an end to it.
My H called yesterday afternoon. He angry and told me he would have someone take over his payroll for me and he asked if I was going to file. I told him that isn't what I want. I kept trying to explain to him why I am so frustrated by what he did and he just could not hear what I was saying to him. He kept trying to justify why he did what he did and why he thought I was upset. I finally thought since he couldn't understand me, then the C might be able to get him to understand...so I asked him to meet me at C after all. He did show up and I don't know how many times the C and I had to explain to my H that I was bothered by him making plans to leave town for Christmas without discussing it with me because it was not the action of someone trying to work on their M. He finally got it. After that the C told us that we were both hurt and reacted to everything. We tried to work through most of that.
After C, my H told me he showed up there because he isn't ready to let me go. Surprisingly, we went and got dinner after that. At dinner, I showed my H a list of expectations that I have if we move back in together. The C told us to do this several weeks ago but my H hasn't put a list together. My H talked about my list and we went back and forth trying to figure out solutions on how to handle finances...there are big issues to resolve there. Is this progress???
Before we left each other, we both apologized for reacting to the situation. I have hopes that my H did finally hear what I was saying to him. Today I am feeling a little more reassured that my H doesn't want to let me go...I guess it is another small step showing me that he DOES want to be with me...it is sometimes just so difficult for him to make those steps.
Yes Upside it is slow progress. Slower than what we would like. You can move on if that is what you need, but you are getting very positive results. It is progress.
I am sorry to say that this takes much patience. Hey at least you have a sleepover now and then with your h. I can't remember what it was like to sleep with my h.
I do believe though it's best they work on themselves away. Less stress on us who are already carrying a heavy burden.
Thinking of you! Hugs!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Hi glam- I agree that this takes time and patience plus so much more...everything from selflessness to stupidity. Sometimes I wonder if I have enough perseverance to see this through...and sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I just don't give up and move on. Thoughts run through my mind like my H isn't my perfect match...I could surely find someone out there that would be more compatible and certainly more committed...but I do love my H and I want him in my life...not to mention that I believe in marriage vows. When I feel that my H and I are progressing, I am fine but you know how it feels when you have any kind of set back. Thoughts of "why am I doing this?" and "Am I crazy?" run through your mind.
I sometimes get so frustrated and lose hope...maybe it is my history...my first H had some kind of MLC and ended up married to his OW. Maybe it is my non-religious upbringing causing me to have a lack of faith. Maybe it is just my personality which has always been filled with self-doubt. I have admiration for so many of the people here who continue to have hope and faith even when their spouse gives them very few signs of hope.
Yes glam, I am getting positives. My H doesn't want to let me go and sometimes he can even pretend that we have a normal M (you know what that is like). We do have the occasional sleep over even which is nice...BUT how do you keep yourself from wanting more?
Today I am struggling...I can tell my H is backing off again after the events of Monday. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday afternoon. I have resisted calling or texting knowing that I need to let him come to me. Sometimes I don't understand why this is so difficult and takes so long.
We left the conversation with nothing resolved. After thinking about everything, I called him back and told him that he should find someone to do his bookkeeping and that he didn't need to go to C with me tonight. He was angry that I called during the business day to tell him this and he told me he will call me back when he is done with his meeting but it doesn't really matter...time is up...I know I want more than he is willing to give now and I deserve better.