I'm so sorry I disappeared when we were both online- had to hit the sack. I'm just thinking of you and smiling thinking about hugging our monitors across the ocean while you stuff virtual muffins into my pockets.
I called him just now and left a message, "Hey, it's T, calling you back, it would be great to get your advice on my recital blah blah blah, I am just practicing and stuff today so anytime you want to call is probably fine, or tomorrow or whatever. I hope you are having a beautiful day and that you had a fantastic halloween! ok, bye!"
Lisa, I'm planning to mention that I will be in NYC in december, if I get a good opportunity to slip it in. Do not worry about going to sleep when we were online at the same time! I hope you dreamed about muffins!
Julia, thank you so much for your warm supportive thoughts. I am still pretty stressed but a little bit better, I think the recital is going to be OK, we'll just see what happens!!
Poet, I am happy to give you a quick update/summary. I know how you feel, sometimes I wish I could ask for a summary even after a few days!
OK... I am going to try to be really concise. If you want more info about any part of the story I am happy to give more details.
B and I were together for about 3 1/2 years in Boston (not married). In spring 2006 I auditioned for graduate school in Atlanta, he was very supportive, I thought everything would be fine. After I moved to ATL, he moved to NYC. Our first year of long distance was very stressful. We had many fights about planning when we would see each other and about sex. May/June 2007 things got worse, and in July he asked for a month long "break" with no contact. At the end of the break, the beginning of August 2007, we spent a week together and had many breakthroughs and I felt like we were amazing, solid, recommitted. Two months go by. In October 2007, while he was visiting me in ATL, he told me he thought we should break up. He cried like I have never seen anyone cry. AT the end of the visit he told me he needed a week to figure out what to do. A few days later he called and asks me for another month of no contact so he could make a decision whether or not he wants to be with me. This made me extremely panicked but I agree to it. During this time I start going to counseling and do massive soul-searching. Before the month is over he told me via webcam that he wanted to leave, he didn't love me anymore, and he didn't find me attractive anymore. I asked to be able to talk to him again in a few days, but I realized I didn't know what I wanted to say, so I left a voicemail saying I wasn't ready to talk, and I would contact him when I was ready to talk.
I started reading everything I could get my hands on, trying to figure out what possibly might help my situation, and I started going to therapy, which was extremely helpful. There was absolutely no contact whatsoever throughout nov, dec, jan, and feb. then towards the end of march, out of nowhere, he sent me a package containing his copy of my housekey and a note, "Transformer, Here is your key, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get it back to you. I hope you are doing well. B" or something like that.
I decided that maybe he was trying to reach out, and so I called and left a friendly message. He called me back, excited and happy, and we had a brief, positive friendly conversation. A few weeks later I call again, and we talk some more on the phone. There is also some intermmittent emailing. I hint that I will be in the NYC area in June, he hints back that he is interested in meeting, we ended up going out to dinner and also dessert. a week later I go to his solo bluegrass fiddling debut in NYC. more intermittent emailing and phone (I think almost all initiated by me, but very sporadically, like every 3 weeks or so). then in august we go out for lunch and he acts really weird. more intermittent emailing and phone.
I just got off the phone with B... we talked for an hour.
He called me! I asked him how he was doing and what he was up to, and he said that he had just come from a rehearsal. I asked if it was a good rehearsal and he said, no, it was a bad rehearsal (kind of laughing). I wasn't sure if I should ask about it (?? showing that I care, or prying, I didn't know??) so I we launched straight away into a discussion about what cello to play for my recital. He was really thoughtful, explaining how he thought my teacher's recommendation that I try to play on a different instrument was her way of trying to facilitate a breakthrough. But he also recommended, if there weren't any cellos that were giving me a euphoric experience, just to use the one I already own, instead of introducing a new variable so close to the performance. We talked a little bit more about my relationship with my teacher and my communication with her and how it is sometimes challenging. I thanked him for being so thoughtful and helping me understand my teacher better.
There was a pause and he asked me what I was playing on my recital. I told him I was doing de falla's suite populaire espangol and the franck sonata. He got really excited and told me that he has been learning the de falla, and last night played it with a friend! I asked him who he played with (excitedly) and he said, "you don't know them, but she does a little piano on the side, and we tried it before and she decided to practice it and then try it again." (NERVOUS--who is this girl?) We talked about the second movement, this beautiful lullaby, and some of the other movements too... he told me it was one of his favorite pieces ever. And then we talked about the franck, which it turns out he is also learning (!!) from a recording that he said he would email to me. He played me part of the recording over the phone, and we talked about the vibe of the piece, and the violinist's technique. The whole vibe of the conversation was very open, relaxed, happy, enthusiastic.
He asked me if I had done anything for halloween and I told him about the party I went to. He asked me what I dressed up as and (somewhat ashamedly) I admitted that it was a costume I've used many times before ("the earth")... but it was the first time I'd dressed up since I'd moved here and no one here had seen the costume. He told me that he dressed as "mr punctuation" wearing all black and punctuation marks attached to different parts of his body including number signs on his nipples, a sash with a forward slash in front and a backslash in back, an "@" on his belt buckle because "that's where the party is at". He said that "we went to a parade, and then a party" (again, confusing, who is this 'WE'?) and described the party. It was a bluegrass party so he go to play some music, and drink beer, and talk to people. He said that he thinks the point of music is to express joy and bring people together, and that the party was a good expression of that. I told him it sounded way better than the party I went to, and that I totally agreed with him about the point of music (I've been thinking about that a lot lately).
There was a pause, and he said he should probably get going (at this point, we had been on the phone for an hour). I did want to ask him for advice, seriously, about what to do for my next graduate program audition thingy. So I spoke up and said, "I was wondering if I could ask you another advice question, about what to do for my next graduate school thing... but it's probably not the shortest topic, so we definitely don't have to talk about it now. Basically, at first I thought I would go to school X in boston, and then school Y in NYC. And then I realized, why not just go straight to school Y in NYC. And then I realized that their deadline for the pre-screening recording is November 15th, and there's no way for me to get that together by then, so I'm confused about what to do." He told me it didn't seem unusual for this particular program to have a deadline that early. Then I said something like, "So, you'll call me, or I'll call you, or play it by ear, either way it's ok...?" he said this coming week he was really busy, but the week after that, the week before my recital, he would have more time, but that might not be good for me. I said, "OK, I'll let you go then" and he said sort of on top of what I was saying, "call me when it's a good time for you. call me when it's a good time for you." And then I said, "Great, I'll do that!" and we said goodnight and got off the phone.
Overall, the conversation had really good vibes. It kind of blows my mind how much we have to talk about, especially when we're talking about music... even how we are working on the same pieces (??). It felt very easy, free flowing, friendly, and connected.
The "we" and the "girl you don't know" parts made me nervous. It is also confusing for me to hear about him having so much fun in his new life in New York. When we were still together, it seemed like he barely had time to brush his teeth, and now he has time to rehearse and learn things just for fun, and has all these new friends to go to parties with?? I am jealous of the fun he is having and also confused, when does he have time to do this stuff? Unless he barely ever has fun, but when we talk every few weeks, he only tells me about the fun stuff?? Was I so much of an energetic burden on his life, that he couldn't have fun when I was around in his life? Or did he have fun before and I just didn't notice because none of it threatened me?
so I guess I can call him again when I have time, whatever that means. Next weekend maybe? I felt like maybe I put a little pressure on him at the end but... I wanted to make sure it was OK to call him relatively soon, instead of getting off the phone and waiting until the deadline had passed (and also the potential of this topic for discussion), or calling him in a few days when we normally only talk once every few weeks. I mean, the whole rapid-response-to-my-email-thing happened only last week.
So, that's the report! Sorry this is so friggin long!! thank you to anyone who actually read all of this!
I think there are lots of positives in the conversation you had with B- obviously that you could talk for so long comfortably, and that he was so helpful and attentive when you were speaking. That he wanted to speak and was happy and chatty. I think him sending the mp3 through is also really great- he was clearly thinking of you, at 1:30 in the morning. Naughty thoughts I hope!!
I'm glad you checked out that it was OK to call him soon. I wouldn't worry too much that you're initiating contact right now, mainly because I think the break in contact was from you backing away- so you're 180-ing in a way by initiating a bit.
I also wouldn't worry too much about the girl you don't know. She could just be a girl you don't know, and my H refers to everyone under the sun apart from him and me as 'we'. I think it's an odd thing the WAS does to try and differentiate themselves, but it doesn't mean anything in itself (or that's what I tell myself).
I wish we could meet and bake muffins together and then eat them all in one big go!
I think that sounds really positive, and he sounds like he gave you some good advice (that will make him feel good too that he was able to help!). I *really* love that you guys have so much in common and so much to talk about, that is such a huge positive! You obviously get on really well, and that is a great foundation/ building block.
I have to reiterate what OD says. My h also calls everything else, apart from him and I, 'we'. In fact inanimate objects too as well as other people - I usually silently snigger when he does this. I wouldn't worry too much about it, although it is easy to say. I do think it is a turn of phrase.
I think you are doing to great and really wouldn't worry. You come across as confident by not speaking to him right away etc and that is really positive.
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It is also confusing for me to hear about him having so much fun in his new life in New York. When we were still together, it seemed like he barely had time to brush his teeth, and now he has time to rehearse and learn things just for fun, and has all these new friends to go to parties with?? I am jealous of the fun he is having and also confused, when does he have time to do this stuff? Unless he barely ever has fun, but when we talk every few weeks, he only tells me about the fun stuff?? Was I so much of an energetic burden on his life, that he couldn't have fun when I was around in his life? Or did he have fun before and I just didn't notice because none of it threatened me?
Try not to get too bogged down with wonderings; I don't think you are going to get answers to this. I wanted to point out that don't you always portray to him that you are doing great and are ultra busy and GALing as part of your DBing? He may be doing the same thing. In fact going on evidence of your posts from when you met up in NY and him wanting to show you how in control and cool he was (I am thinking of the subway navigation incident) this may very well be what he is doing. Don't let it make you insecure.
I wish you could come and sing with Lisa and I, it would be such fun! I have a feeling we'd be giggling lots and lots. Have you decided on your final pieces yet for your recital? I so wish I could come and hear it.
I hope you dreamed about muffins!