I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

Well yesterday was a little hectic at clients. Sister got mostly moved in with a lot of help. I was watching the kids and the older one pushed the baby into the washing machine. I got so mad I actually yelled at him. I have never yelled at him in his entire life, been stern, but no yelling. Well, everyone, both kids, me, and client started crying. Boy was that a lot of fun. Hoping as they get settled, we will all get settled and calm.

So home, well, I think I mentioned that H and I had sex last week and then I got texts the next day about how he feels it just isn't right. So Wed night, I went to bed and started receiving text messages. Ended up being from H, text sex. This went on for a while and he came to my room and we ended up being together again. I honestly didn't think that this was going to happen again for a while as he felt so badly last week. Yesterday, thankfully, no horrible texts telling me that the sex was good but that he felt bad. Then last night, H decided to be a little bit of a jerk. I asked him if he ate, and what he ate, and his answer was "food". After he went to bed, S said, what is his problem, why couldn't he tell you what he ate? All I can do is tell S, this is what he is doing. So the saga continues and now I ride two rollercoasters. I am hoping one of them stops soon, or at least slows down enought so that I can GET OFF. I think I just want to sit on the sideline and watch for a while because i"m not having any fun anymore.

[1hope]

Kel,
It's good that your H is feeling like he wants to have sex with you. Even if he detaches a bit after, he is coming back for more.

The comment about "food" is just a MLC thing. Probably asking what he ate was felt to be controlling. So sounds like something my H would say. I really try to avoid asking any detail questions. Just keep it at, are you hungry? Would you like something to eat? Etc.

Just what seems to work better for me.

[Babygirl]

hey K, how did you feel after sex with H? I remember last year, H said while we were, we shouldnt be doing this, man that hurt, but he was there, my new philosophy is when we do it, make sure I ROCK his world lol!
Hugs

[MT35]

After we have sex H says he feels guilty. Sometimes I can see it in him, other times I think he is fine. One time last week after we were done, I said, you know we still do it pretty good! H said Oh Yeah! So at least he still enjoys it. I guess if he didn't like it we wouldn't be doing it. It is weird, he wants to be with her, but I don't think they are doing anything. Just weird! But that is part of the whole show, I am waiting for a bearded lady and the world's smallest man to show up! I guess that all goes along with the roller coaster too!

K- take care of yourself, you have so much to deal with right now! I can't imagine all the stress and concern.

[kelaaron]

I'm fine. To be honest, this is probably one of the calmest times I've ever had in my life. For the first time since I can remember, I have my clients (on call 24/7) but I wouldn't trade it. I don't know if I've ever said, but I work with developmentally disabled. Taking care, providing a quality of life, and keeping them at home instead of in facilities. I have my S. I have crazy H. I have my home. No drama from H's family, no drama from my family (basically cuz I'm keeping contact minimal) and I have found a peace within that has just been amazing. S actually told me yesterday that I am becoming so calm it is amazing. I am just not overwhelmed anymore. So the things that are stressing me, just are there but I'm not obsessing too much anymore. This thing with the kids will settle itself out as they get used to the situation and the rules. They have been in a crazy house, no rules, no bedtimes, no nothing but chaos. It will get better, we (the adults) just have to keep our heads and teach them what their parents haven't.
And I have my wonderful friends that i have made on here. I have been more open, honest, and had more fun with you girls, than with people I've known my whole life. Thank you for being there.

That being said.....

I have no problem having sex with H. Actually in the last year my sex drive has been in overdrive. But it is hard to hear the words that come from his mouth after. So since all of the, the sex was good but we shouldn't have, I really haven't initiated. I have flirted and let him know I was in the mood, but it has been up to him. After last week, when he really layed it on good about no connection etc... I just figured that there wouldn't be anymore for a while. So with the crazy week that I have had, I hadn't shaved legs, underarms, or other areas all week. When the texts started, I was first surprised, second, panicked, cuz I didn't want him to feel the ape legs etc... The surprise was that he was looking at sexy pics of me on his phone that i had sent him last year. Which means that he was thinking about me, interested in me, wanting me. He could have just looked at porn or even at them and done his thing and I would have never known. But he sent message. At one point, he asked if i was there yet, and I asked if he was and he said he needed help, which is when he came into my room. So this was all on him, especially since I was so attractivly dressed in my Bucs grey sweatshirt and flannel men's pajama pants cuz it was cold.

I did cry afterward, but mostly cuz I really didnt' think it was going to happen for a long time, and cuz I was anticipating the stuff I would probably hear the next day, which does hurt. But I didn't hear it, although did get a little of the snotty teenager behavior. I miss my Husband and this is really hard sometimes. I just wish I could tell him and I can't and I think that is the hardest part. I wonder if he thinks I don't love him anymore or miss him cuz I say none of it. Ok, my pity party is over for the night.

[MT35]

Hey K- I understand the does he think I don't love him or miss him. It bothered my H when I wasn't calling him. So I have been once a day. H asked me not to say I love you, but in some of the discussions we have had it has slipped out, that you know I love you, and I can't help that I do. I do think they know that we love them, otherwise we wouldn't still be here. If we didn't love them we would be gone. That would be so much easier than what we are going through.

You are doing so well K, and I am glad you are so calm. That is healthy! Take care!

[jame38]

K
He knows u love him, he see's the changes you have made and are making. You continue with the fliring, that doesnt always mean i want you to ur H. It means you love him and any attention u show him lets him know that. At least in my R when things were tough between us, that is what i wanted the most. Just the attention, the same as u do. So yes he knows u love him. Just do different things that u havent done in so many years. I know i harp on this, but the little things add up to alot. I dont know how many time i would be at work and pull the little notes out that wife would send in my overnight bag.

You are on the right trac, i do beleive things will work out for you. H will see the you that he feel in love with. You are a very strong willed women. It has taken so much for u to be where u are now. Ur not the same miserable women u were when u came her. U have grown in ur heart and in your mind. You are a big girl now, putting the little things to the side that would cause an argument. You have relaxed alot, I promise u he wonders why u are not (in the guys terms) bit@@@@@ all the time like u use to.

That is how we take it. You do things that feel right to you and go with that. Make it a habit to take a shower before bed, u will never have to worry about what u had to the other night. That would be another 180 for u maybe. Im going to say this again, you are a different person, i bet ur life will be so much peacful now. Dont doubt he questions ur love for him. As long as u do the little reassuring things, we doubt when u turn cold, u know that. What is that saying, "your a big girl now" lol proud of u K.

[jame38]

something else to add. What made ur H bite ur head off when u asked him something about ur mail. Could he bejelouse because u were on the computer. That is a couple of times isnt that that has happened? Just a thought. No matter what guys are very jelouse whether they admit it or not. It may be part of his sole serching and that just triggers it. What do u think.

[kelaaron]

J-I used to shower before bed every night because I come home sometimes smelling like saliva, puke, you know the drill. But I have problems sleeping with wet hair, I get very sore throat (a Taurus traight). So I don't do it every night but I need to start again. But it is good advice.

Thank you for saying that I'm not the same miserable woman. I'm not. I have dealt with so much within myself that had nothing to do with H, but me. What happened to me as a child, how I reacted to my life because of it, trying to do everything for everyone, being exhausted becuase of it, feeling like a failure cuz no one was really getting what they needed, especially me.

So I do take care of myself for the most part. Yes I still give to people, but not to the point of killing myself. That has actually been a very long journey that I was on for more than a year (since I was sick last year and MIL). But the final steps and my healing didn't happen until these last few months. I am finding the me that H fell in love with, with a few exceptions. She was still angry and didn't care about what other people wanted and was making herself happy for different reasons. Now I'm making myself happy because I deserve it. If someone wants to join the party, great, if they don't, that is their problem. I wish I could express how the anger is just gone. It just is. I have bouts on momentary for current stuff, but all of the anger from the past is just not there anymore. Neither is the fear. I guess for me that has been a real breakthrough. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I'm not afraid of whatever it might be. I'm just not anymore. That is wonderful.

[kelaaron]

J-I used to shower before bed every night because I come home sometimes smelling like saliva, puke, you know the drill. But I have problems sleeping with wet hair, I get very sore throat (a Taurus traight). So I don't do it every night but I need to start again. But it is good advice.

Thank you for saying that I'm not the same miserable woman. I'm not. I have dealt with so much within myself that had nothing to do with H, but me. What happened to me as a child, how I reacted to my life because of it, trying to do everything for everyone, being exhausted becuase of it, feeling like a failure cuz no one was really getting what they needed, especially me.

So I do take care of myself for the most part. Yes I still give to people, but not to the point of killing myself. That has actually been a very long journey that I was on for more than a year (since I was sick last year and MIL). But the final steps and my healing didn't happen until these last few months. I am finding the me that H fell in love with, with a few exceptions. She was still angry and didn't care about what other people wanted and was making herself happy for different reasons. Now I'm making myself happy because I deserve it. If someone wants to join the party, great, if they don't, that is their problem. I wish I could express how the anger is just gone. It just is. I have bouts on momentary for current stuff, but all of the anger from the past is just not there anymore. Neither is the fear. I guess for me that has been a real breakthrough. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I'm not afraid of whatever it might be. I'm just not anymore. That is wonderful.