Dan, My W would tell me about OM also. Your reaction is perfect, and really surprising to her.. And you'll be there when her BS relationship inevitably falls apart, even if just as a friend. Guess who she'll come to then? Hang in there!
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Hi there ladybug. I'm around, though not as much. I got a stern talking to from my boss and boss's boss about internet use at work and things have progressed to the point where there isn't much happening. Oh there are a few things, but, I'll PM you in RL.
I filed for divorce today. With the 90 day cooling off period, out 15th anniversary will pass before it's final and 18.5 years together.
Yesterday morning, I asked my W if she had signed the divorce petition and she had. I told her that I would stop by her work to pick up the papers, then in the evening when she called to tell the kids goodnight, she told me that due to her illness, she got someone to cover her shift at work and she would leave the papers at the house today. Then, she said that she's been really busy and we haven't had a chance to talk. So, I asked her if she was still going to Las Vegas today with her OM and there was silence on the phone. I asked again and then I answered, of course you are, and as long as you are with him, I'm filing for the divorce. At that point, out came the "You can't be what I need." B.S. followed by some "It's all ways a competition with you, it's always tit for tat." and "You have no empathy, you aren't caring. When I went to the urgent care, you didn't make sure I was OK." I could refute these all day and as the conversation progressed and we rehashed old hash, every time I tried to share my frustration, I got the tit for tat back about how bad it was for her. And to talk about a lack of compassion. When she fell down and broke her collarbone at 0300 while she was out drunk and walking someone's dog, I doted on her and POOF, it disappeared. So, as the conversation progressed I started just answering "Whatever" because I have no answer for her internal demons. She may never acknowledge her problems or her part of our marriage going badly, but, I have. I cannot recall her every telling me that she was sorry for anything she did that was a big thing. The DUI that she just got out of that cost us just under $5K, she said that she made a poor choice and a bad decision and the cop shouldn't have approached the car, but, never that she was sorry.
So, at an intellectual level, I can draw a map on why I don't want her back and even plenty at an emotional level. Yet, I still love her. Pretty nuts.
I highly recommend Rob Zombie turned up REALLY REALLY LOUD.
I've one friend who pointed out that part of the pain is from having to redefine who I am without her as a reference point. I'm no longer her husband. I'm only me. That's maybe a tidbit for all of us.
Hey Dan, You're stronger than you ever thought possible, and this proves that once again. I think it takes extreme courage to file for divorce.
I'm thinking about you this weekend, because I know it's a tough one for you. I know that hurt you're feeling this weekend. You have done a helluva lot to save your marriage, and to love a woman who refused to be loved by you and refused to love you the way you deserve and need.
You are courageous and strong. Your wife will fall on her face someday, I can guarantee that. But, you have proved to be faithful, and kept your integrity all along. That's what your kids, no matter how old they are, will see.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
OK, I need some help here. Oh really Dan, we all thought you had your life all together and were riding it off into the sunset.
Hah!!
My W is in Las Vegas this weekend until Tuesday with her OM and is pissed at me for not keeping it a secret as she feels judged by her family and has her entire life. Of course, one might add that if you don't want to be judged, don't do certain things.
We talked about this after she was done wishing the kids goodnight, and if I can read into her tone etc., it seemed as if she was either feeling a little guilty or that perhaps things with mister wonderful aren't as 100% as she thought they were going to be. She basically hinted that if I'd only kept her secret, she might be reconsidering.
!!!!Spoiler alert!!!! I'm not stupid even though I pretend to be often.
I kind of sort of remember us having a discussion a while back about not telling the kids that she was going away, I don't remember her specifically saying anything about the relatives. In either case, is there any way to know whether she is only trying to manipulate me to avoid the internal pain of feeling judged by her family versus an honest uncertainty about the path that she has chosen or is she perhaps uncertain because she doesn't feel in control of things any longer?
In fact, I think that she badly miscalculated how I would respond to her behavior. I truly don't want this divorce and I still cry plenty of tears over it. However, I'm also pursuing it with determination and a certain single-mindedness of purpose. If she expected the thought of divorce to leave me impotent and frozen in place, she was wrong. Then, also, her imagined happiness is a bitter contrast to sitting at home after the kids are in bed contemplating the bone dry bottom of my love tank. I hate to say it, but, I would find this whole situation easier to deal with if she were miserable also.
So, to recap, is she toying with me and my emotions because she misses the sense of control that she once had, because she is truly uncertain, or because she just wants to avoid feeling judged by her family?
She basically hinted that if I'd only kept her secret, she might be reconsidering.
.....
So, to recap, is she toying with me and my emotions because she misses the sense of control that she once had, because she is truly uncertain, or because she just wants to avoid feeling judged by her family?
D
Hey ManinMotion, It sounds like two things. She doesn't like being judged by her family and she's reminding you that there is something that you've done that has yet again ruined your chances at reconciling. She's just trying to put blame back on you. Don't buy into it. Pay no attention. If what she is doing is acceptable, why should she worry about what her family thinks? Why would they be judgemental? How can what they feel be blamed on your actions?
I'm walking on the same path with you, only my W was the one to file initially. I'll be picking up the papers this week to see what I'm in for.
Dan, just checking in on you. Things may not be as dark as they seem, and yes I'd guess that your W's little fling isn't all she'd hope. It never is.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
