I feel so defeated right now and to be honest with you, this week has been really good for the most part that I really should not be feeling so down. This week my ex moved into her new place with her best friend. I took several days off from work to paint, move furniture/boxes, etc. Her best friend was working, so I got to spend a lot of one on one time with my ex. We played around a lot and she began to open up more to me, sort of like when we were dating where she would tell me things about when she was growing up as a kid or about events that happened in her life.
There were several moments in particular that stood out. One was when we were talking about something (I do not remember the topic) and I said that God works everything out for our good in the end. Then she made the comment, you ditching me - how was that good. That threw me off guard and I blew it off/changed the topic or something. She and her best friend also got into a huge fight over the phone. My ex was complaining to me that he is selfish, inconsiderate and acting like an a-hole towards her since they brought the loft. He also told my ex that he does not want me in the house and my ex replied that I could go over anytime I wanted to. I heard the entire argument while she was on the phone and it was pretty bad. It made me really mad inside that he was treating her like a jerk, but I simply listened and validated her feelings. At one time during their argument, my ex told him to refinance the loft in his name because she was not going to put up with his crap (I wish it was really true - rather than something said in the heat of battle).
Today, we went trick o treating with our daughter and got all dressed up with our outfits. It was nice and we had an overall good time. The thing about this week that makes it so hard, is that I feel so close but yet so far away. It has been a long time since I ahve seen a lot of the old furniture we brought together and various items. It brought back a lot of memories. It is also difficult helping my ex into her new home knowing that it is not our home. I love my ex so much and it feels like I am never going to get her back. Today when I finally got home, I jumped to my bed and cried/prayed. My ex reminded me again in the course of our conversations that she is still not getting back with me (funny her she keeps bringing up the topic). But like breton39 said, I need to remember to watch what she does, not what she says.
It is amazing how I can be making progress and yet still feel hopeless. So many times I wish I could just pour out my heart to my ex, yet I know that that would only defeat my chances. I feel like I am giving this everything I got to try to reconcile with my ex and it seems like it is only getting harder - especially with the holidays coming again. I honestly feel like giving up right now and I know I will not - but boy do I feel like it. I have notice that I feel like this especially when we have had a great time together and I go back to my place afterward. I think those good times bring back a lot of feelings.
Her moving into a new place with her friend is especially tough for me right now. I feel like I am watching my dream pass right before my eyes. The place is huge and I know we could not afford a place like that on our own. Like someone said though, it is just a house.
Well, I am mentally/emotionally exhausted right now and think it is time to go to bed. Will write later.
