Quote: How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?
I'm uncertain but I'm trying to figure out whats going on in his head as well as mine by reading & chatting with other DBers
How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? I've found that there are times when i can predict whats going to happen by the past & have also learned to read his attitude by is "new" behaviors - like when he's in Family mode he'll wear 1 hat & when he's in Party mode he'll wear a differant one
Especially about the "negative" things? This MLC thing has me confused, sometimes the "negative things" pop up from out of the blue & hubby blindsides me, like this past weekend - why bring up what he knows will end up being a fight when he already knows that he's not going to go to the party if I say that I'm not going to be without a car - so he's got 2 choices Stay Home with me or Take me & Prove there's nothing going on with Robin - he already knew the choice he'd made so why bring up the party so we can fight needlessly?
How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? The man's a punk - mama's boy & needs to grow up & stand on his 2 feet
What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? I'd most likely tell myself to leave, I can do better than I am - I'd tell him to grow up & get with the program - he's got a good wife & family that loves him go home & work it out & forget the losers
How might you see things differently? Right now I really can't see things differantly - it's been over 1 yr of this MLC BS & those who know why I'm still around & what I'm trying to do are all saying the same thing that I'd tell myself if I were on the outside - I deserve better than this kind of treatment, most can't or won't try to understand in this land of easy divorce why I'd try to hold onto this mama's boy
If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread,
what would you post to yourself? STOP EVERYTHING! Start Here
What advice would you give to you? Start here on this thread while waiting for delivery of DR book & get a Solutions Journal & actually do the work in the book - in addition to posting to the board - chat via the instant messengers to help get some instant feedback
How well would you take that advice?! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif" alt="" /> Wish that I'd had this before all of this craziness started & so far althou I've fallen off the DB wagon a few times so far I've managed to get back on & start over & it's now 1yr 3+ months of replay now that I know what this BS is & hopefully I'll be able to continue on to see the end of the MLC & have my hubby returned from the mothership a better more mature version of the man I married back in 1992
If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like? Honestly I'm unsure of how to answer this question - there are 2 possible futures that I'm looking at right now - in 1st MLC ends quickly & hubby's in good health & we move forward to Stage 5 on the Marriage Map & get the home of our dreams after 3 years in our own 3 family investment home - the 2nd is not so rosey a picture MLC continues & hubby's health detioriates possibly blindness &/or partially crippled sets in & this causes hubby to lose his job hubby ends up in a nursing home 'cause his parents aren't able to care for him (they are retired & on a lower income trying to work parttime themselves now) or I'm allowed to care for him because I'm the wife either way hubby's likely to be even worse depression than the MLC depression that he's in right now
If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with? I do know that hubby's got some childhood issues that he's got to work thru & this MLC fog has him drinking rather than facing his issues I don't like what this MLC has him doing to escape from his troubles but I can try to patiently wait this out & be here to pick up the pieces when it's over if things turn out badly for his choices of dulling the MLC pain
What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective? My "blinders" - have come off since getting DB & DR I've been more concious about the things that I'm doing & saying I've noticed my cheeseless tunnels & am doing my best to avoid them althou I do still end up down some of them - at least I know that I'm heading down it & am stopping the behavior earlier what I need to do now is find some alternatives to try I've been unfocused & a bit scatter brained reactting rather than thoughtfully experimenting
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?! the end that is in sight just distant for the moment
What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are? If a miracle happened overnite & everything was perfect I'd wake up & hubby would be snoring quietly by my side naked with a smile on his face Our family would notice because he'd be here in our bed instead of spending his nites so much at his mom's house his job would notice because he'd once again start talking about me like he use to all of the time quoting things which I've said about various things I've learned & told him His "new bad influence friends" would notice because he'd no longer be hangging out & letting them use up all of our money Our old friends will see it because we'd start to go around them again
If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? More open communication is what I'd like to see More expressive of whats inside instead of censorship More FUN - going places & doing things like we use to do when we were dating & 1st married Discussion of major purchases & budgeting so that we can afford the nice things in life A home of our home
What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction? Would or Could now be doing? I'm not sure how to address this question - This is sort of a cheeseless tunnel as in the past that's been a problem we've had I try to lead the family along the path which will benefit the family & hubby seems to undermine the plan maybe the key is to let him actually lead it's just that hubby's always been a follwer from what I can see as he's failed to lead the family which creates troubles that I've had to find a way to get us out of - quite frankly I'm tired of that behaivor & would love for him to really LEAD the FAMILY
I'd appreciate some helpful suggestions as to how I should best handle this Idea of Leading into the Right Direction hubby seems to always undermine the plans which I lay out in front of us wheteher it's my idea or his own, the plans always seem to be undermined-
Now, empty your minds, and let's begin!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well I'm working on Step 1 this next 2 weeks - both online as well as in my newly re-Started Solutions Journal My New Years Resolution to do ALL of the Steps In Order & to Completion of ALL 7 Steps!
Could use a few chat/instant messenger buddies who are also going thru the Steps this january - any one want to share the ups & downs of the Steps?
