Hello to John and everyone, I am a newbie on this board, commited to changing myself and renewing my marriage. My husband has moved out. I believe there is hope because he still loves me deeply and I feel the same. It may be a case of MLC as he is 51 and just lost his job, parents are ailing, sexual problems, and he has been stuck with me, a very difficult wife who has been going through her own MLC for a long time. Anyway, even if it's not MLC, even if he is just fed up with me and wants to find happiness without me, which is what he says, I still believe him when he says he loves me and I will hang in there until he files for divorce. So, with that, I am ready to begin step one. Here's my responses.
"How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?"
I can vividly see my H and I reuniting in a more loving, more passionate, more committed relationship. I am SURE that we will establish a new relationship and continue our marriage.
"How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?"
Yes, I know that I wallow in the past and have had a pessimistic viewpoint on the future because of that. With God's help, I am learning to trust myself again. And I have an appointment with a therapist next week to work on personal growth.
"How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?"
I would see a man who struggled for months, years, to figure out how to make me happy and who finally decided that he had had enough and was going to make himself happy for once. So, even though he still loved me, he decided that separation was the best solution. I would see a woman who had made herself emotionally and financially dependent out of fear and low self esteem.
"What would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?! "
I would say to myself to back off, give your H space and time, to detach from the situation and allow yourself to grow as a person, to become more independent and above all to find out how to be a happier person by yourself. I would also advise myself to continue attending your new church, and allow God to work his miracles in your life.
"If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?"
I could be such a happy person, successful in my career, with a wonderful family and a romantic committed relationship with my husband. I would feel safe and loved. My life would have balance, between work and love. I would be able to enjoy the normal things in life, like social relationships, without fear of not "being good enough."
"If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?"
My H has his own journey and I may not be a part of it right now. He has to find his own way. He is trying to figure out what he needs and wants for the rest of his life. An extremely important process!
"What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?"
I need to understand why he needed to make his job his total focus and how I contributed to my own unhappiness in that situation.
What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!
??????
"What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?"
My H and I would be passionately committed to each other. We would enjoy each other's company and look forward to spending time together, no matter what the activity. We would have long, involved conversations, sharing our most private thoughts. We would have friends that we both enjoyed and an active social life. I would be involved in my job, and my art, and feel a sense of satisfaction and independence from my H. I would choose to be married to him and spend the rest of my life with him.
"If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?"
I would understand that my H's love is not to be taken for granted. I would show him my feelings for him are deeply held, offering affection, being generous with myself. I would be supportive, give encouragement to him, let him know that I am proud of him. I would let him see the part of me that is loving, cheerful, passionate, creative, and confident because I am all those things!
