The answer is absolutely NOT! You don't settle and you won't settle. However, as long as he is trying, allow yourself to listen and observe what he's doing.
On the subject of his not being romantic toward you, I would say he's afraid to do so b/c of rejection. Once you let him know you are trying, I think he'll turn it around.
You mentioned before you told him you'd have to consider "dating" him first, so that needs to happen. He needs to woo you and try to get you to unlock your buried love for him. You don't need to settle. He needs to work.
Finally, about his job, I would advise you to frankly tell him how much it has been allowed to come inbetween you two and it can't happen any more. I also buried myself in my work at the expense of my family and have just now realized I don't need this place as much and they really don't need me as much as I once believed. A good, open and honest discussion is what I'd recommend.
If you feel you've done this already, do you think he understood completely? Regardless, I think you should make sure, I mean sure w/out a doubt, he gets it, no matter how long it takes to register in his DAM head.
Yes, I think he was a bit defensive, but he did say he has no interest in continuing working like this. That has to be a positive. Also, I don't think he should be allowed to move back in until YOU feel it will work. Don't settle. Set boundaries. Be firm, but count his baby steps.
Finally, you do seem to focus on the negative outcomes, so try to be positive and not worry about the negative outcomes.
Kalni, I don't want to confuse you more...but, I agree w/ what Bill wrote. Again, I am speaking from my own personal experience. I think one of the things that led to the breakdown of my first marriage was the fact that my exH was away at work most of the time (he was a truck driver). As the kids got older, I began to do things outside of the home. Now by this I mean, Church, Girl Scouts, PTA...things that also included the children. My exH did not like me doing these things....not even when I was successful and earning the respect of others.
Also, the kids and I had started back going to Church some years before. My exH would ridicule us and make sarcastic comments. There was definitely an imbalance in the spiritual aspect of our marriage.
On top of these issues, my exH was/is an alcoholic. There were very few times that there was not a beer in his hand if he was home. At night, he would fall asleep on the couch from having drank so much during the day.
Anyway, when he decided to come home, he PROMISED he was going to be the BEST husband. He was going to start going w/ us to Church. We were going to go to counseling. He was going to find another job, one where he would be home at night and on the weekends. He would answer any questions I had about other women, phone calls, where he was, etc. He even put my wedding band back on my finger. And, he was going to stop drinking! How could I not hope he was sincere?
The next morning, we got a phone call about some flowers that the florist had for me (my mom had passed away a couple of weeks earlier). They needed directions to our house. I had told my exH about Bill (I needed to be 100% honest w/ him if we were going to reconcile)...so, he wanted to know if they could be from him. I told him "No". As it turned out the flowers were from his employer (remember, he had been living w/ his boss lady). I called her a "B...H". He got up and left and went back to her. He said I would never let him forget what he had done. (In case I didn't tell you in my previous post, he had also cheated on me 10 years before w/ another woman.)
In all honesty, I really didn't have it in me mentally, physically, or emotionally to put a lot into a reconciliation. HE needed to be the one to do the work THIS time.
Words are nice. They make us feel warm inside. But, actions speak even louder.
Again, I am NOT in ANY way trying to persuade your decision either way. It has to be YOUR decision because whatever you decide is what you have to live w/. In my case, I had to be able to look my children in the eyes. I had to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I had done everything I could. And, I had to know that if I was laying my head down on my pillow for the last time that when I stood in front of God, I could tell him I had tried. And, Kalni, I DID try. I tried for a LONG time. I spent 10 years trying to learn to trust again, only to be lied to over and over. By the time my exH wanted to come home, I was extremely "gunshy".
To this day, I still struggle w/ some insecurities (and even some jealousy). But, as I have said time and again, Bill is a VERY loving and patient man. He has helped me overcome a lot of my "issues". And even though they are scars from my past, he truly tries to understand.
Kalni, my advice to you would be.....KNOW what you want...KNOW what you NEED...from your husband, rather it be the husband you have now or a husband you may have in the future. And, do not settle.
I truly wish for you the BEST. I have been in your shoes to some extent and I know what they feel like.
Hope you have a great weekend!
Deb
PS. I also agree w/ RefuseToLose, do not let him move back in until you are sure you are ready.
just got back from a movie (Vicky Christina Barcelona, Woody Alen's, talking about free spirits and settling etc etc).
On my way to the movie theater I talked to stbxH. I think during our convo I asked him most of Bill's questions. I repeated myself about what I want, was very clear, tried not to accuse him about the past and let it all out.
He was nice, wanted to talk and said that: he loves me he wants the same kind of relationship I want he would never come back if he thought it isnt possible just as I tell him and show him I changed, I have to let him show me how he changed work is for him also what brought us here and he has realised our R should be top priority and work follows he cant understand why I am so negative, if love and understanding exists we will make it work he is willing to talk about everything until I am satisfied he want us to go through everything and then leave the bad things behind us and take the good things with us his goal is to make this one year a milestone for us that will lead us to the best R possible he wants to do the work, he is aware it will be hard I need to tell him I am willing to try to allow him some room to act he doesnt want to tell the kids anything either nor disrupt their routine until we both feel its safe he needs from me to give him some credit and watch him and not assume and many more things. So, I am probably telling him we are trying this weekend, away from the kids, and see how it goes.
I did ask him what has changed since he moved out. He said "we both have changed, speaking for myself I got my priorities and head straight, I know what I want. I know you are scared and cold but I'll prove to you if you let this will be great, I am prepared it is going to be difficult but I am putting the effort"
I asked him about his work. He said he cant change that but he has thought of some practical ways to have time together like take days off in the middle of the week just for the two of us, show me when he IS at home his love, make me feel loved when he is away..." And his plan is to change his schedule as soon as possible.
Knowing the man I married, he is honest. I know he will try all these things.
Deb, we have no record of cheating, abuse of any kind and for a DAM he has been fairly reasonable through this year (with some excemptions). Despite of the fact that I feel he is weak he is a good man.
So, I am going ahead keeping all your advice in mind. I am not going to settle. I promise. Thank you, this has been a weird year for me... Love xxx K
PS I will check on everyone tomorrow, it's my kids free weekend.
Wow. It seems he really does mean it. Everything he is saying makes a lot of sense. And he is validating YOUR feelings! I don't see how you can go wrong by giving him the chance to show you. The possible benefits seem to me to far outweigh the risks, at this point. You know what you want, and you know how to ask for it. And he knows that he needs to deliver it! I'm cheering for you!
I find Bill's and Deb's perspective to be so helpful. Many times in this unfamiliar experience we all wing it, trying to figure out the best way to make the right decisions. Renew the relationship,
Hearing both sides of how they got where they are, what was sacrificed, what was tried helps me learn what to seek as I grow. I doubt spouse will come back. But Bill's words of "Do NOT Settle" ring in my ears.
And I tell you reading
"You see, she is wonderful woman, rich in love and the desire to love others. She is a tremendous mother and a faithful friend. She DESERVED to be treated like the woman that she was. She deserved to be cherished and valued. She deserved to be more important than work, than hobbies, than habits."
sounds like a fairy tale to me until I realize I choose how I'm treated.
You're so beautifully direct, passionate in your beliefs. Savor this experience of growth, of what you need to be the best...
Kalni, The convo with H was awesome. He said most of the things you wanted. It sounds like he has done a lot of soul searching. I agree with many of the others - set your boundaries and do not settle. I am so happy for you that your H is finally seeing the light.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
