Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[Dash]

Hi everyone, I'll give you fair warning before you read any further, this is a very long post.

Obviously I came here because I need some help. I'm a bit lost and confused at the moment and I don't know where to go from here. I need some good, honest advice.

Almost three weeks ago I found out my W was having an EA with a man 9 years younger than she is that she met in an online game called Second Life. I know the A isn't physical as he's in Europe, but I have read enough to know that an EA is probably harder to recover from than a PA. At first she told me it was innocent flirting (no such thing) and had only been going on a couple of weeks. Then she said it "turned romantic" about four weeks before that. I later found out it's actually been going on for about six months.

I won't pretend that I was the devoted and loving husband that I should have been. In fact, in many ways she and I have both been emotionally abusive with one another.

We have a 22 month old son and my W isn't willing to work on our marriage. She says she has felt indifferent toward me for the past six months and now she is in love with her online EA.

I took her and my son to her parents' house two weeks ago Monday (October 13th), they live almost four hours away, so I don't see her on a daily basis.

I did all the wrong things at first, crying, begging, pleading, making promises, of course to no avail. She says we've tried too many times to make it work, and it just doesn't work. But in all honesty, neither of have really ever tried to make it work.

I've been reading a bunch of different advice on how I should proceed. I do love her, and I would like for us to be together again, but I don't know how I can do this with the way she feels. I miss my little boy like crazy. I miss my family.

I've read lots of stuff that says have no contact with her to make her miss me, work on myself so she can see what she's missing, blah, blah, blah. No contact is not an option because of my son.

She says she wants us to be friends. I don't think I can do that. As I told her, I do have some dignity and I don't want her to think that I'll be sitting around waiting in the wings in case her affair falls apart with this guy, or the next guy or the guy after that. I also told her not to call me anymore unless it was about our son. She used to call me every night and just chit chat and it would usually last for more than an hour (Alleviating guilt?). So far she has complied. But the other night I had an anxiety attack and I ended up calling her. I didn't talk about the R, in fact I only talked to her long enough to ask her to put my son on the phone.

I also have a suspicion that she's taken up with an ex boyfriend since she's been back in her hometown. She never wanted to cut contact with him during our marriage, she said they were BFF.

I know she can't come back without there being major changes on her part as well as mine. The thing is, I have come to understand my role in all of this and in fact, I'm currently in IC to deal with a lot of my own issues as well as the break up of our M.

I won't say it is my fault, but I can see how my behavior helped get her to this point, and I can look back now (hindsight being 20/20) and see times where she did try to reach out to me about us.

I did have my own (sort of)EA when we had been married less than a year with an old online "friend" for which she says she never forgave me. I did cease all contact with this woman at the point where my W found out and put her email address in my blocked senders list as well as canceling and deleting my instant message accounts that I used to communicate with this woman. The reason I say sort of an EA is because I had no feelings for the woman and it was rather easy for me to cut the ties with her without feeling any sense of loss.

It hurts so badly that she can look at me now with no emotion at all , and she never asks how I'm doing. It's usually all about her, how she's moving on with life, but she's still very secretive where the OM/EA are concerned (not that I ask about it, because knowing would only make it worse I think). Up until I found out about the EA, she always pretended to love me. I wonder now if she really ever did.

What do I do? How should I proceed?

Thanks in advance for your help and guiding words.

[goldeylox]

Hi Dash, welcome to the board. Sorry you find yourself in this mess. You have a WAW on your hands. To make matters worse, there is a little kid involved. But do not lose hope!
You are in IC, to figure out how to be the best Dash-daddy you can be. And the best Dash for yourself.
I also live in the Pacific NW. We are having a beautiful afternoon today, no? Go out and take a walk in the crisp fall air. Enjoy it while you can, you know the rain is coming...I can smell it. Make sure you GAL, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy. Call a pal and get a beer, work on a crossword puzzle, go work out, get a haircut.
Read a few posts. Post a little on others (we won't hit you with too many 2x4's). Be patient and good to Dash. I'll be back later. Peace.
p.s. need to update my signature, I moved out last week, so technically, I'm no longer a live-in

[kat727]

Isn't it funny how we, the LBS, feel that we need to beg and plead for them to stay with us. It is bs, plain and simple. We deserve so much better.

So first things first, is make yourself into the best you that you can be for yourself and your child. Make those changes that will get you in a better place. Stop thinking about the W, she is an alien now and you don't know her. Sorry just got into a nasty argument with ex and my view is slightly skewed. You can see the fun thing he is doing on my thread if you want.

I am guessing you are seeing your son on a regular basis. When you go, make sure you are dressed nice, smell nice and are polite to her but not inquisitive in the least.

When she calls, if it is anything other than things regarding your son, tell her pleasantly that you need to go. No explanation is required.

Read Divorce Remedy, I found it more useful than Divorce Busting but it won't hurt to read that too. Good luck Dash. I will try to keep an eye on you.

kat

[marriedCrazy]

Dash, I'm following you as well. Take the advice of the others and make a life for yourself. Try not to worry about the W; it will on kill you. I know, I done it too. But I'm now in a better place because of DB, DR, and these boards. Mostly all these wonderful people.

I have a WAW. Read my sitch. A little different; but similar. I'll do my best to help you along.

GAL

[Dash]

Hi Goldy, Kat and MC. Thanks for the replies.

MC, I have read a number of your posts on your own thread as well as the threads of others. I admire your strength and fortitude in your situation.

Goldy, it was gorgeous weather here yesterday, but today Mother Nature reminds us of just how fickle she can be. I didn't get a chance to enjoy yesterday much. That seems to be the story of my life and big part of the reason my marriage broke down. I didn't enjoy it while I had it, and now she's off to someone else.

Kat, it is indeed funny how the LBS seems to be the one doing all the work and admitting to all manner of sins. Is this what we do for love? Is it worth it? I know she couldn't come back without some major changes in herself, but I honestly don't see that ever happening. She's a bottler. Keeps everything inside and thinks about nothing on an emotional level. If the cork ever flies, I only hope that someone is there with her to save her from herself.

I am currently reading DR. I haven't gotten very far into the book though, as I'm moving at the same time.

I have to wonder how much space is enough? I don't want her to think I've given up completely do I? I don't know if she would ever swallow her pride enough to even ask me about reconciling if she did have a change of heart.

It seems to my that my wife is going through a very early MLC. She'll be 35 soon and she really doesn't like the idea of getting older. It's always been an issue for her. She's acting as though she's in her mid 20's now without a care in the world. She's given me the standard line of BS about "independence" and what not, and how she's lost herself in our marriage. The thing is, she changes her story more often than I change socks, and I hate dirty socks.

I'm going to see my son on Saturday. Most of the time she ends up spending the entire day with us and inevitably I end up bringing up the R and trying to explain to her what I've learned about myself and what a great guy I'm becoming. Why can't I keep my big trap shut?

Is all the trouble really worth it? I can't count how often I've caught her in lies, but still I'm willing to put myself through this. What is wrong with me? I don't want to hate her, but right now, I don't want to love her either.

How much distance is too much? How detached should I be?

If there are any WAW's reading this, I'd really appreciate your point of view on my situation.

Thanks again for the replies.

Dash

[kat727]

Ok, just little ole me again. My ex is so far from the person he was I know without a doubt I will be so far gone before he even has an inkling of what he has done. He has taken too much without regard to anyone.

Maybe you don't need to let her go with you this time. Just you and your son having some good old guy time. I gather you not having her come with you will be a 180 and so it will shake her a bit. The earlier you can start shaking them the better.

Look good, see yourself having a great time with your son and don't ask her anything besides kid related stuff. It is hard but very necessary. Trust me. This is stuff I should have done early on when he was sitting on the fence. As time went on I just got madder, sadder and more confused. Let's pull back now and see if we can't keep her feet unsteady under her...ok?

kat

[Dash]

..I will be so far gone before he even has an inkling of what he has done.

I worry that I might be as well. And then again, she may never realize what she has done. This is where I have a problem in dealing with some of this. It feels like "damned if I do, damned if I don't."

Maybe you don't need to let her go with you this time. Just you and your son having some good old guy time. I gather you not having her come with you will be a 180 and so it will shake her a bit. The earlier you can start shaking them the better.

This is my intention. She can stay and talk to her boyfriend online, I'm going to enjoy the time with my son.

Look good, see yourself having a great time with your son and don't ask her anything besides kid related stuff. It is hard but very necessary. Trust me. This is stuff I should have done early on when he was sitting on the fence. As time went on I just got madder, sadder and more confused. Let's pull back now and see if we can't keep her feet unsteady under her...ok?

I think she's already gone. She actually hasn't come out and said the word divorce, she has said "I want this over with as soon as possible." I really don't think she's on the fence. Maybe I wouldn't feel so hopeless if she were. She's convinced she's in love with the EA.

She's also told me that she has felt indifferent toward me for six months, but I asked her to tell me that she didn't love me so I could really let go, she said she couldn't say it, that sometimes she felt like she didn't love me, but she couldn't say it to me. Now I think this is just her way of trying to keep me around "just in case".

I had an anxiety attack on Monday night, I started missing my son so badly that I couldn't control my emotions. I called that night to speak to him, even though he can't say much.

I have been "dark" since the day after the anxiety attack, I did email her that day and explained that I called because of the anxiety attack. She emailed me back apologizing that I had suffered the anxiety attack and then went on to tell me about a job interview and breaking her glasses, etc. But I didn't reply.

Why do I want this woman back? Why can't I hate her after what she's done to our family? To our son?

And will I even want her back when it's all said and done? Or am I just afraid of being alone?

Lots to ponder.

Thanks Kat, for the advice, I have every intention of following it.

[marriedCrazy]

Why do I want this woman back? Why can't I hate her after what she's done to our family? To our son?

You love her, that's why. Why do you love her? I don't know. I'm in a similar sitch. Sometimes I think I'm not really in love with her; I in love with the idea that we can be happy and keep the family together. I really think that's it. It is ALL about the kids and trying to prevent them from suffering through the effects of D and bad parenting. Maybe that's the codependent controller coming out in me, IDK?

And will I even want her back when it's all said and done? Or am I just afraid of being alone?

But how much can one man take from a serial cheater (my W)? And still hold some dignity? Would I ever trust her again if she came back? I keep thinking that I would tell her if she comes back that we would wipe the slate clean from that day forward. We could never revisit the past except in MC. Nothing from the past gets talked about one on one. But I don't if she could do it.

You may be afraid to be alone. That's why you need to DB and DB fast. It will change your perspective on life. In the short time that I've been doing it; I've forced myself to do things I wouldn't do normally or things that I used to do to make me happy. I had lost myself in my M. I morphed into father/husband and somewhere I buried mC. But mC is digging out and has started to realize that I'm happier when I'm not with her. My life is setup now so that I don't have to deal with her drama.

Start DB'ing and you may find yourself in a similar position. It's very stress relieving, I'll tell ya.

Who knows she may just come back and work hard at it. I keep the window cracked as they say; I just don't look out of it very often.

Good Luck.

[Dash]

Who knows she may just come back and work hard at it. I keep the window cracked as they say; I just don't look out of it very often.

I hear ya there. I'm doing the same thing. I'll just be glad to get through all these crazy swings in emotion. One minute I'm happy as a lark, the next I'm crying my eyes out and the next I hate her with the intensity of a thousand suns (which is the way I used to love her). I feel like I'm going insane.

At least I'm not checking my email every five minutes like I was in the beginning. Or watching the phone.

I need to come to grips with the fact that she's moved on and I need to do the same. I'm in that "place" right now where I'm feeling she's not really worth it because I don't think she will ever change, even though I have already began to change.

Thanks MC.

[Dash]

Not a good day today.

I'm anxious about tomorrow and I'm not sure how to act.

Three days and no contact. I guess I'm really beginning to see what she thinks of me.

I hate this feeling, up and down, mad one minute, sad the next. I'm too old to be going through this, especially for a woman that doesn't care about me and most likely never has.