Kalni, I don't want to confuse you more...but, I agree w/ what Bill wrote. Again, I am speaking from my own personal experience. I think one of the things that led to the breakdown of my first marriage was the fact that my exH was away at work most of the time (he was a truck driver). As the kids got older, I began to do things outside of the home. Now by this I mean, Church, Girl Scouts, PTA...things that also included the children. My exH did not like me doing these things....not even when I was successful and earning the respect of others.
Also, the kids and I had started back going to Church some years before. My exH would ridicule us and make sarcastic comments. There was definitely an imbalance in the spiritual aspect of our marriage.
On top of these issues, my exH was/is an alcoholic. There were very few times that there was not a beer in his hand if he was home. At night, he would fall asleep on the couch from having drank so much during the day.
Anyway, when he decided to come home, he PROMISED he was going to be the BEST husband. He was going to start going w/ us to Church. We were going to go to counseling. He was going to find another job, one where he would be home at night and on the weekends. He would answer any questions I had about other women, phone calls, where he was, etc. He even put my wedding band back on my finger. And, he was going to stop drinking! How could I not hope he was sincere?
The next morning, we got a phone call about some flowers that the florist had for me (my mom had passed away a couple of weeks earlier). They needed directions to our house. I had told my exH about Bill (I needed to be 100% honest w/ him if we were going to reconcile)...so, he wanted to know if they could be from him. I told him "No". As it turned out the flowers were from his employer (remember, he had been living w/ his boss lady). I called her a "B...H". He got up and left and went back to her. He said I would never let him forget what he had done. (In case I didn't tell you in my previous post, he had also cheated on me 10 years before w/ another woman.)
In all honesty, I really didn't have it in me mentally, physically, or emotionally to put a lot into a reconciliation. HE needed to be the one to do the work THIS time.
Words are nice. They make us feel warm inside. But, actions speak even louder.
Again, I am NOT in ANY way trying to persuade your decision either way. It has to be YOUR decision because whatever you decide is what you have to live w/. In my case, I had to be able to look my children in the eyes. I had to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I had done everything I could. And, I had to know that if I was laying my head down on my pillow for the last time that when I stood in front of God, I could tell him I had tried. And, Kalni, I DID try. I tried for a LONG time. I spent 10 years trying to learn to trust again, only to be lied to over and over. By the time my exH wanted to come home, I was extremely "gunshy".
To this day, I still struggle w/ some insecurities (and even some jealousy). But, as I have said time and again, Bill is a VERY loving and patient man. He has helped me overcome a lot of my "issues". And even though they are scars from my past, he truly tries to understand.
Kalni, my advice to you would be.....KNOW what you want...KNOW what you NEED...from your husband, rather it be the husband you have now or a husband you may have in the future. And, do not settle.
I truly wish for you the BEST. I have been in your shoes to some extent and I know what they feel like.
Hope you have a great weekend!
Deb
PS. I also agree w/ RefuseToLose, do not let him move back in until you are sure you are ready.
