Step Number 1 - Start with a Beginner's Mind

[Cindy_F]

How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?

Right when I think I'm sure that my H and are going to reconcile, he backs out! So I'm not sure anymore what is going to happen.

How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?

Before I db'd I relied quite heavily on the past, present to support my negativity. Now while db'ing I try to leave the past behind and get a new 'How things Could be attitude with my R.

How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?

Looking in on what is going on between my h and I, I would say that my H loves me but is really hurt and confused. That he's not trying to intentionally hurt me but doesn't know what to do. He wants to change things but doesn't know how and he sees me doing more of the same it makes him hopeless.
I would say that he'll come around he just needs time.

If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!

I would say to me LEAVE HIM ALONE! Don't be his doormat but be friendly, loving, act as if it doesn't bother me! Get a life outside of him and stop obsessing about him. Go to counseling. But I wouldn't listen, it's taken a couple of really hard knocks to get me to...which is what has happened! So now I listen .

If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?

You would see me happily having a life, my h having his, us together with our family. We could have fun together and separately without there being trust issues. Affection would be abounding and ILY would frequently be said.

If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?

My h is just hurting and confused and lashing out in anger. he blames me because he doesn't want to see his wrong, he already feels bad enough.

What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?

If I took my blinders off I would see that my h has some legitimate concerns that I do not validate when I talk to him. I'm always so busy trying to defend myself that half the time I don't stop and just listen to him. Oh, and that I'm not a bad wife, there are things that need fixing but I'm not an awful person. And just because he's made the decision to leave, I'm still ok.

What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?

Things could be: 1. we would talk more (no talking before), 2. would not assume things but state openly what we are thinking and feeling with a measure of tact of course, 3. ILY would be said freely and frequently, 4. affection would be common, 5. date nights would be a weekly occurance, 6. raising our kids would be a joint effort, 7. family goals, 8. values would be discussed and upheld, 9. our families would come 2nd to the needs our spouse.

If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?

My r would be one built on trust. My H and I would have weekly dates, friends outside our r, activities outside our r, ml more than once a week, talk about things that bother us right away, be affectionate, plan for the future, be vulnerable with one another, have fun together, laugh more, touch each other more, put each other first in our lives.