I filed for divorce today. With the 90 day cooling off period, out 15th anniversary will pass before it's final and 18.5 years together.
Yesterday morning, I asked my W if she had signed the divorce petition and she had. I told her that I would stop by her work to pick up the papers, then in the evening when she called to tell the kids goodnight, she told me that due to her illness, she got someone to cover her shift at work and she would leave the papers at the house today. Then, she said that she's been really busy and we haven't had a chance to talk. So, I asked her if she was still going to Las Vegas today with her OM and there was silence on the phone. I asked again and then I answered, of course you are, and as long as you are with him, I'm filing for the divorce. At that point, out came the "You can't be what I need." B.S. followed by some "It's all ways a competition with you, it's always tit for tat." and "You have no empathy, you aren't caring. When I went to the urgent care, you didn't make sure I was OK." I could refute these all day and as the conversation progressed and we rehashed old hash, every time I tried to share my frustration, I got the tit for tat back about how bad it was for her. And to talk about a lack of compassion. When she fell down and broke her collarbone at 0300 while she was out drunk and walking someone's dog, I doted on her and POOF, it disappeared. So, as the conversation progressed I started just answering "Whatever" because I have no answer for her internal demons. She may never acknowledge her problems or her part of our marriage going badly, but, I have. I cannot recall her every telling me that she was sorry for anything she did that was a big thing. The DUI that she just got out of that cost us just under $5K, she said that she made a poor choice and a bad decision and the cop shouldn't have approached the car, but, never that she was sorry.
So, at an intellectual level, I can draw a map on why I don't want her back and even plenty at an emotional level. Yet, I still love her. Pretty nuts.
I highly recommend Rob Zombie turned up REALLY REALLY LOUD.
I've one friend who pointed out that part of the pain is from having to redefine who I am without her as a reference point. I'm no longer her husband. I'm only me. That's maybe a tidbit for all of us.
